I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:
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Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.
My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety.
My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)
I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:
That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.
I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:
- Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
- Put away groceries
- Put away grocery bags
- Check to see if the birds need food
- Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
- Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
- Put away dry dishes
- Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
- Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
- Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
- Check personal email
- Crush soda cans
- Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
- Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
- Practice French
This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always.
Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)
Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.
Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!"
Y'all.
It worked.
For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.
