Thoughts from Therapy

Before I get to the heart of this post, here are a few updates:

Pets - Nothing to report here! We have fixed the fence and stapled chicken wire to the bottom half of it to prevent the dogs from ripping off planks. We've also placed cinder blocks in front of the areas with small holes. This seems to be working alright.

Work - They created a job for a Skyward specialist. I applied and I didn't even get an interview. I can understand not getting the job but not getting an interview when half of that job is what I currently do . . . I'm not happy about it. I have asked HR what I can do with my resume to improve my chances of getting an interview for future positions. I'm interested in seeing what they say.

Family - The Texas portion of my family plus my parents were able to visit a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't for very long but it was so nice to see almost everyone face-to-face again. We hung out mostly outdoors and just ate and talked. A pretty perfect evening, if you ask me.

A portion of my wonderful family

What I'd really like to discuss in this post is, once again, my mental health. I realized that it wasn't where it should be. People asked, "how are you doing?" and I'd honestly say "just fine" and believed it. However, there are other questions that my husband asked me or I asked myself that made me realize that I really wasn't fine:

• How often are your thoughts racing/running away from you? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't doing enough? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't good enough? Frequently.
• How often are you reading? Not often (For me, not reading is a bad sign. It usually points to me not being able to relax and disconnect from daily worries)
• Are you keeping up with usual chores for the most part? Nope.
• How often are you snapping at people for small problems? Too often.

So, I talked to my primary care physician. He's the one who takes care of my psych meds since my psychiatrist is no longer covered by my insurance. We've upped my medications and he referred me to a psychologist. Honestly, I didn't want to go to a psychologist. I really felt like my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it; that there are other people who need that help much more than I do. My husband had to remind me that I am worthy of getting help. The fact that other people need help doesn't not change my need. 

I'm now seeing a psychologist every other week. So far we've had two one-hour sessions and my third will be later this week. I like Dr. S and feel comfortable with him. We will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapt (ACT) which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I looked up CBT and it's exactly what Dr. S and I discussed in our first session. In a nut shell, my brain has learned certain behaviors in reaction to stimuli. We can't wave a wand and stop them but I can learn how to recognize those behaviors and then, hopefully, train my brain to react a little differently.

In my two sessions there have been two things that Dr. S has said that really stuck with me.

1. My anxiety is not a problem to be fixed; it's more like an overly helpful friend.

I have always disliked my GAD and have thought of it as something that I need to completely get rid of. Dr. S posited that anxiety is good and has an evolutionary reason for existing. Think about it: if you had no anxiety ever, wouldn't that be a bad thing? It's good to get some anxiety before a test because it motivates you to study. It's good to get some anxiety when driving in bad weather because it helps you focus on the task at hand. He said that anxiety is necessary but sometimes my anxiety is doing more than it ought to. It's like that friend that really wants to be helpful but oversteps their bounds. My anxiety is trying to help me but it doesn't realize that I don't need it in the moment. I'm not in a life-or-death situation when I'm running late for an appointment but my anxiety thinks I am and is trying to help me avoid that "death" option. 

2. I cannot use logic to lessen my anxiety because it doesn't come from the logical part of my brain.

This was a very disappointing revelation. I want logic to work. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up I tell myself "Clare, you're ok. Everything's going to be ok. Things aren't going as planned but that happens sometimes. This is not going to ruin your life." Guess how well that works? It doesn't. It's so frustrating! My pre-frontal cortex (that lovely logic machine) knows that my high anxiety is unwarranted but it can't stop it. My amygdala (I think that's the part, I could be totally wrong here) is the one saying it's time to FREAK OUT because OH MY GOSH THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. WHY AREN'T YOU WORRIED! IT'S TIME TO WORRY! So yeah, if my brain is going into Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze mode it's not going to listen to logic. Logic doesn't matter at that time. This means I have to train the amygdala instead of relying on my pre-frontal cortex.

What does this all mean for your lovely author? It has become rapidly apparent that a lot of my anxiety stems from pressure I put on myself to be nearly perfect. Again, the logical part of me knows I can't be perfect and I completely accept that other people make mistakes but I am not ok with myself making mistakes. My "homework assignement" has been to purposefully make mistakes. I cringe that I have to do this but I understand why. This means everyday I've been making a mistake that's big enough to bother me but small enough to not have really bad consequences (I'm still driving with my seat belt!) I'm starting small so, for example, I sent an email around 4pm with "good morning". I showed up to work about 20 minutes late one day. I did not correct a misspelling in this paragraph even though that red squiggly line is taunting me. The really great part about this assignment is that I cannot fail because if I don't do the assignment then I am making a mistake. If I do the assignment then hopefully I can learn to be ok with the mistakes. Finally, a win-win situation!

By the way, I'm also not re-reading this entire post before hitting "publish". It feels really wrong to not go back and look for errors, see if the writing sounds like me, etc. I want to feel better and if these little things are steps on the right path then I'm going to take them.

I'm going to end this with a reminder to really check-in on your loved ones and yourself. Take a moment each week or at least each month to pause and probe how you are doing. Evaluate what is normal, healthy thoughts for yourself and what is not. (Desires to hurt yourself or desires to not wake up the next day is not healthy in anyone. Please immediately call 1-800-273-8255 for free anytime day or night).I feel pretty certain that all of us experienced some level of heightened anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic. Think back to what that looked like in you. Ask yourself if you still have that going on. If you do, please find help for yourself. You are always worth it. 

-Clare G. S.

A Little Update and a Little Rock & Roll

It's about time for an update, isn't it?

Our dog, Freyja - Just a day or two after my last post Freyja figured out how to take off her bandage. When I say bandage, I mean bandage or cloth boot. Even while wearing a collar AND a cage muzzle, she consistently took them off. My spouse and I had a long chat about where to go from there. We decided that all we could do was keep the sunroom really clean (that's where the dogs spend most of their time) and wipe down Freyja's paw with iodine two or three times a day. So, everyday at lunch I was returning home, kicking out the dogs for a potty break, and spending that time to vacuum and mop the sunroom. I then brought the dogs in, wolfed down lunch, and returned to work. It was tiring but worth it. I checked Freyja's paw today and I'm amazed at how well it has healed. I literally did a double take where I checked her other paw because I thought surely I was looking at the wrong paw. There was no way her pad could be so well healed but it is! I'm so happy that we have made it out of the woods and that we don't have to fret about infection. The next step is to fix the hole in the fence so that the dogs can be outside unsupervised again.

COVID - f*ck COVID. I'm tired of it. Please, friends, if you are eligible to get the vaccine and have not done so already, please seriously consider it. I would be happy to talk to you about it if you have concerns that you want to voice to someone who won't jump down your throat.

Work - Work is going well for both me and my spouse, Matthew. There have been some rough days but we are getting into the groove of it. I've been surprised with how much of my job has been tech support for our Student Management System, Skyward. From what I understand, my department over the years has slowly absorbed more and more of the Skyward help: setting up courses, running report cards, new student enrollment, running reports, and trouble shooting issues. None of this really ought to be our department since our job is to handle the data that goes to the state and insure that is accurate. It sounds like our district will be creating a position to be basically a Skyward specialist. I'm considering applying for this position since a lot of it would be what I'm doing now and I enjoy what I do right now. We'll see how that goes.

Family - My brother recently got engaged and I'm trying to convince him that a low-stress way to get married is for me to be the officiant. I'll let you know if I'm able to convince him. I got to hang out with my sister, P, and her family last weekend and it was so awesome to see them. She has two daughters whom I adore. I haven't seen the rest of my siblings in quite a while (again, COVID sucks) but *knocks on wood* it looks like I should be seeing a few of them in October.

Church - I think I might have myself overbooked when it comes to church. I'm in the choir, on the vestry (committee that takes care of finances and whatnot), on the stewardship committee (fundraising to create our budget for the next year), "leading" a small group (more like herding cats but I love them), and I'll be volunteering at our first ever pumpkin patch. I think for 2022 I'm going to take a small step back so that I don't burn out.

Miscellaneous - Last weekend Matthew and I saw my favorite band, the Old 97's, in concert in Austin. I was a little hesitant to go but the venue announced that they would be checking vaccination cards (or proof of recent negative COVID test) at the door and would require masks. The venue was smaller (The 3Ten for those familiar with the Austin live music scene) so that combined with the safety precautions convinced me to go. I'm so glad we did. It was AMAZING to hear them live again. My sister asked me how many times I've seen them live and I realized that it has to be at least five times. I think that's more than any other band combined for me. If you don't know who the hell I'm talking about, I suggest looking up the following songs: "Won't Be Home", "Good with God", "Question" (by their lead singer, Rhett Miller), "Dance with Me". and "Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue". 

I can't think of anything else I ought to report so I'll leave you with a few photos from the concert. It was a triumph of rock.

The Old 97's from left to right: Ken Bethea, Rhett Miller, Philip Peeples, and Murray Hammond.

Ken absolutely rocking it. He always looks so serious at shows!

Murray Hammond <3

Rhett, making everyone swoon

No joke, this is the best photo I got of Philip

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts on Smoking

If you didn't know me when I was 18-21 years old, I smoked cigarettes during that time. My stress over the past three weeks has been near my breaking point. I take solace in a wonderful husband, nearly daily Dr Peppers, and an occasional adult beverage. However, I find myself day dreaming about smoking again. It may sound crazy but I don't think it was the nicotine that I craved. I think it was Cormac McCarthy who said something about how appropriate it was for man to smoke; there is something about holding fire in your hand that feeds the soul. That's what I miss: feeling close to danger but also completely in control of it. I miss the way I would breathe in, pause for a moment, and then breathe out sometimes blowing smoke rings. I miss the way that smoking was really a meditative practice for me. For a few minutes I had something to do with my hands instead of my usual anxious ticks (which always felt like everyone noticed although I doubt anyone did). I had a reason to breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating because I was convinced that whatever terrible scenario my mind had created was coming true.

I've tried other exercises to calm my mind with various levels of success. Deep breaths are definitely key and the few times that I've meditated I've really enjoyed it. To some level writing in this blog helps me with my anxiety as well. I still come home in tears more often than I'd like because I still haven't figured out good ways to deal with stress & anxiety in the moment. I still tend to shove it to the side until I can get home and release my emotions. Looking back, I'm definitely doing better than I was a decade ago. I'm not smoking, I don't drink to excess, and it's been years since I've had to run out of a room in public because I felt a panic attack coming on. It can be hard to focus on the positive when it feels like I'm drowning.

Here's the photographic proof that I smoked . . . and that I took ridiculous photos

Now this all begs the question: why the hell am I so anxious and stressed right now? Well, Bell County Comic Con was a great but tiring weekend. I got much closer with a few of my friends (Ariel, Pedro, and Chris) who I had the privilege of working closely with the entire weekend. However, it seems like everything else that I reported on in my last post has gotten more stressful and had given me more anxiety. 

At work, I feel like a tidal wave is coming in. The first day of school is Tuesday and there is so much to do before then. I am blessed to work really well with my two teammates. That doesn't diminish the fact that for three people we have a lot on our plates. From what I understand, this has been the most hectic start of the year either of them can remember simply because we have so many new staff members and so many staff members who changed position. We are constantly scrambling to train people and help them out. Don't get me wrong! I really do love helping people but it's hard to help when there are so many people who need my assistance. I am hopeful that once the school year has begun and people find their groove that we too will be able to get into more of a routine.

Our dog, Freyja, is not as healed as we had hoped. This coming Monday will mark four weeks since her toe injury. The vet saw her two days ago and said that there is no sign of infection but she really isn't healing much. Instead of wrapping her paw completely (it looks similar to a cast a person might wear for a broken bone) we are going to try giving the paw some time in the open air and then just put a sterile pad in a reusable bootie. We hope that the extra air flow will help promote the skin to grow. This is perfect timing because this morning we woke up and found that Freyja learned how to tear apart her usual bandage. Yes, she was wearing the cone of shame but that didn't stop her! We are crossing all our fingers and toes that she doesn't figure out how to pull off the bootie while wearing the cone. I'm very anxious about this situation because if the toe doesn't heal it will have to be amputated. It's one of her weight-bearing toes so the vet is leaving amputation as a last option.

Freyja at the vet 2 weeks ago

Finally, COVID-19 is a nightmare that won't go away. I'm fully vaccinated and so is my spouse but I'm afraid for so many people. I have a friend from church whose daughter is going through chemotherapy right now. Every time someone says that they won't get the vaccine, I think of her. I can feel my "resting-anxiety" ramping up to what it was in April 2020. 

For my praying friends out there, please pray for my little family. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days and I know that the stress of the new school year plus a stressed-out wife is wearing on my husband. He bears it well and I'm incredibly grateful for him and his strength but I also wish he didn't have to be this tough.

To all my friends and family, I love you more than you know and I hope that you are finding joy in this crazy life. I'm going to be ok and the reason I know that is because of the wonderful people in my life who remind me how loved I am.

-Clare G. S.

New Job

I'm going to try to make this short but anyone who reads this knows I'm bad at editing down my writing.

Since Spring Break:

• I applied to a new job, interviewed, was offered the position, and I accepted it! I'm now a PEIMS specialist for my school district. I handle the data that we collect and send to TEA (Texas Education Agency)
• In my new job I work nearly year-round. It's not so bad because I still have Thanksgiving break, winter break, spring break, and 2 weeks of my choosing in the summer (or any other time, really).
• The school year ended. We rejoiced that our district announced no more remote learning for the next school year. Seriously, remote learning was awful for students, families, teachers, and staff. 
• My spouse and I are gearing up for our local nerdy convention, Bell County Comic Con. We are both on staff but I've asked to have a smaller part this year since I'm adjusting to a new full-time job. Even though I'm fully vaccinated I will be wearing a mask the entire weekend.
• An old friend contacted me out of the blue earlier this week. The nostalgia is real, y'all.
• On that note, am I the only person who is in complete denial that friends "move on"? I still live in a fairy-tale land where I'm "friends forever" with everyone I've ever called a friend. Downside: I get so sad when I think about how long it's been since I've talked to my old friends. So, if you're reading this and we haven't talked in ages, feel free to message me. I'm still awkward yet friendly.
• Our scrappy dog got injured but is doing ok. Long story short, she dug a small hole under the fence and stuck her paw under it. I don't know what exactly happened but later my husband saw she was injured. She had to have surgery and is now stuck in the cone of shame for 3 weeks. She also has to stay inside (which she does not appreciate) since she can't be trusted on her own outside. If you're the praying type, please pray for her. I love that damn stubborn dog.
• Some family stuff happened in spring that is not my story to tell. I'm writing it here so if I look back and think "gee, when did that happen?" I can pinpoint it. Everyone is doing ok and that's what's important now.

That's all I've got for now, kiddos. Please enjoy this ridiculous photo of me taken last week: 

Yours truly in a tiny sombrero

-Clare G. S.

Snovid 2021

Another month (plus) has come and gone without me writing. I think I have a good reason why I got a little distracted. In February we had an event with many nicknames. My favorite is "Snovid" although "snow-pocalypse" ain't too bad. If you live in Texas you know what I'm talking about and can skip this entry. I'm writing this for posterity's sake and so that I can look back and realize that I'm tougher than I know. Let's go about this logically and look at things day-by-day.

Wednesday, February 10th - I heard that we had a major winter storm coming in (Uri was its name) so I went to the grocery store. I like to be prepared and I figured it sounded like the roads might be icy for a few days and I didn't want to run out of milk, mac & cheese, etc. I also bought a a lot of granola bars because I figured if worse comes to worse and we lose power for a day, we can eat granola bars. They aren't the best meals but we wouldn't be hungry. 

Thursday, February 11th - A few of our neighboring school districts had a delayed start or didn't even have school. When I woke up I thought they were silly because it was just really cold, no precipitation at all. By 10am I realized how wrong I had been. Our district announced that we would close at 12:30 because the precipitation had begun and the temperature outside was literally freezing. I ended up spending a big chunk of my time at work helping get students out of class because their parents were coming to pick them up early. When my spouse and I got to our car, it was frozen shut. No joke, all the doors were frozen shut. My spouse was smart and grabbed a hammer and a large eraser (for his white board) from his classroom. He placed the fuzzy part of the eraser along the edge of the car door and then tapped it with the hammer. He repeated this until enough of the ice had broken so that we could open the doors. We then blasted the defroster and I chiseled at the ice on the windshield with our ice scraper until it was safe to go home. We purposefully took the least travelled way home in the hopes that if we spun out we wouldn't hit anyone else. We made it home safely. 

Friday, February 12th - It was a cold, icy day. School was canceled. We stayed home, read, and watched tv. Not a bad day. Our district announced that the county had 300 COVID vaccinations that they were giving to them because they were going to go bad if they weren't used this weekend. I signed up myself and my spouse, Matthew, to receive it.

Saturday, February 13th - Matthew and I realize that we kept losing power overnight because our Alexa (the smart speaker) kept on making noise as it had to reconnect to the internet. In our backyard we find the reason. We have a big oak tree very close to our house and our electric line runs from the pole, under the oak tree, to the house. The tree was so weighed down with ice that its branches were resting on the power line to the point that it was taut. The forecast called for more precipitation and we weren't going to be above freezing for days so we knew that if we wanted to keep power we would need to act soon. Knowing that it might damage or even kill the tree, we cut the branches. They were now at least 3 feet off of the power line. We then spent some time enjoying the snow that had fallen overnight. I have never seen snow so deep in Texas! We had at least 4 inches in the road! It was cool to watch the snow swirl as it was blown across the top of the ground. Our big accomplishment was making it downtown to get our COVID vaccine. To this day I am so incredibly thankful for all of the volunteer nurses and other staff who came in during freezing weather, on their day off, to give us the vaccine.

Sunday, February 14th - Monday, February 15th - My "Oh, it's nice to be cuddled up at home" has definitely changed to "Oh, goodness. Are we going to be ok?" I'm constantly checking in with friends to make sure everyone is safe. Many have lost power and some have lost water as well. We were supposed to have rolling blackouts but that's definitely not happening. My anxiety starts to climb especially because the forecast says Wednesday night we will have more precipitation and it won't get above freezing until Thursday at the earliest. My spouse and I have not lost power nor water. Our macaws are in our sunroom which has a dog door. This means that it isn't keeping heat as well as the rest of the house is. We forced the dogs inside at night (they were LOVING the frigid temperatures) and cover the dog door. We also placed our folding room dividers between the bird cages and the windows in the hopes that it will give just a little more insulation for them. I'm constantly praying "Thank you God, for keeping us safe. Please help those who have lost power or water. Please keep everyone safe." 

Our house looks pretty darn cute

Look how deep that snow is!

Tuesday, February 16th - I offer up my home to some friends who don't have power. I tell them that if they can get to us safely they are welcome to warm up and eat some hot food. My best friend texts me and by noon we have decided that it's best for her family (herself, her wife, their daughter, and their two cats) to come over and stay with us. They have no power and there was no telling when it would come back. We had room so it just seemed logical. Bonus, they are from Chicago so the slushy/icy roads aren't nearly as terrifying for them as they are for me. They safely arrive a while later and we get settled in. They were kind enough to stop by the grocery store so we are definitely set for the long haul. 

Wednesday, February 17th - We are doing alright talking, reading, watching movies, and playing board games. I was especially proud of their 9 year old daughter who was taking this all in stride. Internally I am completely freaking out about the additional storm that is about to hit us. During the night I could not sleep. I woke up at every little sound which is very odd for me. I'm nearly in tears because I'm convinced that each sound means we have lost power and that my birds are going to get too cold and die. At the same time I know there is nothing more to do but wait until the morning. Eventually I start signing "Silent Night" over and over in my head because it seems to calm me a little. I slept fitfully.

Thursday, February 18th - We awoke to find out that the storm that was predicted didn't really happen. I literally spend the rest of the day thinking/praying, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for keeping us safe. Please continue to keep everyone safe." My bestie's wife attempted to go to work because she is the regional manager. They got their SUV out of our driveway and found out that they didn't really have any control over the car so they pushed it back into the driveway. We again spend the day reading, playing board games, chatting, etc.

Friday, February 19th - My bestie's wife was able to get to work around noon. My anxiety was finally back to normal levels. I realized how close I was to completely losing my marbles on Wednesday night. I was really thankful I didn't. Not much to report this day. Since I felt like things were getting better (just above freezing this day!) I finally run a load of laundry.

Saturday, February 20th - Another chill day. My bestie and her wife went back to their home to check damage. They came back and reported that they still didn't have electricity but it looked like there was no major damage from what they can see. They kept in touch with their neighbor who was still at her house to find out when electricity had been restored. 

Sunday, February 21st - Electricity was back at my bestie's house so they returned home. I now felt comfortable using electricity like a would during a normal day. It was good to be on the other side of all of this.

During the entire storm my family used Marco Polo to send short video updates to each other. Two of my siblings lost power for a while. My brother and I had power the entire time. I'm very happy to report that none of us had any catastrophic damage to our homes. What's odd is that Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday somehow came and went during the storm. I barely noted it, honestly. My brain was dealing with too much to think about religious observations.

I'm not going to comment on the reasons why this all happened (I mean in the sense of why the eff Texas lost power) but I will find it interesting to come back and read this entry in a few years. Did anything change? Did power companies winterize their equipment? Do we go through this again? 

---------

This week is interesting at work not only because it's the week before Spring Break but because we have three people in our front office out. Basically there are nine of us in the front office. I'm not including the AP secretaries because they are not literally in the front of the building, they are throughout the building. When more than one person is out at a time, we can "feel" it because we have to change up who is covering reception and the attendance window (where parents pick up their kids for doctor's appointments and such). With three people out possibly all week, it's been a bit chaotic. For the record, they all really need to be out. One had a death in the family and two are out for medical reasons. I don't want anyone to think my co-workers decided the start their vacation early! I just keep praying that we keep up with things. It's been ok so far. We just need to make it a few more days.

Well, like usual I have made this much longer than I meant to. *shrug* I mostly keep this blog for myself so I don't know why I feel bad when my posts are lengthy. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason there that points to me needing therapy but we are going to ignore it for now. ;) If you're reading this, I hope you are doing well and that you too survived Uri without too much damage!

This is what our dog, Freyja, wanted to do all day every day.

Loki wasn't as big of a fan but he does whatever Freyja does.

 

-Clare G. S.

Working Through a Panic Attack

I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:

------------

Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.

My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety. 

My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)

I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:

That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.

I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:

• Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
• Put away groceries
• Put away grocery bags
• Check to see if the birds need food
• Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
• Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
• Put away dry dishes
• Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
• Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
• Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
• Check personal email
• Crush soda cans
• Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
• Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
• Practice French

This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always. 

Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)

Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.

Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!" 

Y'all.

It worked.

For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.

-Clare G. S.