Summer Recap: Part 1

A photo of mammoth bones to get your attention

Holy crud, where has 2022 gone?  It's way past time for me to write about my summer.

In my current job I work nearly year-round. I do get the usual days off during the school year (1 week for Thanksgiving, 2 weeks for winter, 1 week for Spring Break, etc) but I work most of the summer. While I was at work my husband worked his butt off to spruce up the house. We now have a nice walkway from the back door. This is really helpful because the dogs were tracking in dirt and mud. He also built nice flowerbeds in the front yard and populated them with some ivy. He then added above-ground sprinklers. I am so fortunate to have such a handy partner!

My sister, P, decided to visit our parents in Arizona in June but she needed another adult to help her with her kiddos since her spouse didn't have enough PTO. She was kind enough to pay for my plane ticket and in exchange I helped take care of her two daughters. Y'all. I do not know how you parents take care of two children under the age of 5. It was fun and I have some great memories but I was always tired. And I didn't have to do as much because I'm not mom! I have learned the importance of always having snacks nearby. We had a great visit and enjoyed having "snacks in the clouds" as my niece, B, puts it.

A photo of virga in the dessert. Virga is when it's raining but the rain evaporates before it is able to hit the ground.

During the summer my parents-in-law visited for a week. It was really nice to spend time with them, my husband, my sister-in-law, and her husband. We did two escape rooms (and had the fastest time on one of them!), a ghost tour of Austin, visited the mammoth site and Dr Pepper museum in Waco, and spent a few hours boating on the local lake. I am incredibly grateful that I get along so well with my husband's side of the family.

Me at the Dr Pepper museum

Debbie Downer Warning: In late July I had a routine medical procedure that required me to be under anesthesia. I was told I would be in a "twilight state" where I would be able to respond to questions and commands (turn your head to the left, does this hurt?, etc) but that I would not remember any part of the procedure. Unfortunately this was not the case for me. Not only could I feel what the doctor was doing, to this day I remember most of it. The doctor did not make any mention of that in the official notes for the procedure. This concerns me greatly because now I fear that this will happen to me again. To add insult to injury, Patient Relations is not responding to my messages (I have called and sent an email weeks ago). All I want is for my doctor to correctly describe what happened during the procedure. I want to give-up on this because it is emotionally taxing for me to have to repeatedly remember what happened but I refuse to give-up because this can affect my future healthcare.

I hate to end on a low note but next up is Bell County Comic Con and that definitely deserves a good amount of space. So instead let's end with a teaser photo of me and my friend at BCCC:

Darth Maul and Me

-Clare G. S.

Weddings and Workouts

I once again found myself at the high school a couple of weeks ago and a friend mentioned that I haven't written here in a while. Whoops! Here's what's happening in my world.

Therapy - I haven't been back to see Dr. S since my last post because I haven't felt the need. I have good days and bad days like anyone else but I seem to be handling the bad days fairly well for the most part. I still need to build a meditation habit.

Working out - Speaking of building good habits, I've started working out regularly. The last week or two of January I started either an ab workout (about 10 minutes) or walking one mile each morning. Now I sometimes do both or walk two miles. I've tried to add in some jogging but my calves start to ache very quickly. I'm keep meaning to look into what the cause could be. I think it's the new sneakers I bought plus the constant inclines/declines in my neighborhood. Also, each Tuesday there is a group at my work that does a 30-45 minute cardio workout; usually a dance-based exercise. I do my best to join them. I'm really happy to say that after nearly three months I can see real progress!

• I can now walk up the stairs at work and not get winded.
• When I jog during my walks I now have to stop because my calves ache, not because I am out of breath.
• Side note: I was trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I mentioned to my sister, J, that I was running out of breath. She suggested trying to breathe through my mouth the entire time if that felt more natural. That solved the problem!
• My spouse reports that I'm generally in a better mood.

I'm really trying not to focus on things like my weight and waist size but it's hard. Everywhere I look everyone is talking about losing weight and dropping inches from your waist. I know the victories I listed above are much more important since my goal is to feel better and to live a long, happy life. However, that doesn't keep diet culture from attacking. I'm glad that this year my school district is doing a step-challenge instead of a weight-loss challenge. Especially for those of us with desk jobs, it's important to keep moving and keep your body active. Also, it's nice to have a good excuse to take a short walk around the building outside and get some sunlight. I truly believe it helps me stay in a more positive mood. If I spend the entire day at my desk and only leave it for bathroom breaks, I get grumpy.

Work - Not much to report here. I still miss my friends at the high school but it's getting easier to visit the campus without being an emotional wreck afterward. We did have one adventure recently. Around 1:30pm on Thursday the internet for the entire district cut out. By Friday morning, it was restored to all campuses but not central office where I work. We finally got internet back around 3pm on Friday. I'm probably going to go in early on Monday to try to catch up on all the things I couldn't get done earlier. On the bright side, my work desk is clean and very organized!

Family - On April 2nd I successfully married my brother to his wife! My goal was to avoid crying during the ceremony since I was the officiant. I did it! Every time I felt tears coming on, I told myself, "This is not my brother. I am just in a play and I'm playing the part of the officiant at a wedding." That helped me get back to a non-weepy mindset and ensured I was speaking loudly, clearly, and at a good pace. There was a funny moment when I had to hold back laughter because out of the corner of my eye I could see their dog rolling on his back. 

Me as the officiant! I guess that blouse is now my officiant blouse.

Church - I'm so excited because our church has a new rector! We've been searching for one since about 2019 so we are all really happy to have a permanent rector again. Don't get me wrong, our interim rector was great but our congregation was ready for someone who will be here long-term. It was really interesting to be part of this process since I'm accustomed to the Roman Catholic church where priests are assigned to a parish. I learned a lot about how the Episcopal Church runs and the more I learn, the more I like it.

Another thing I've been learning about is the process for discerning the priesthood in the church. My friend, B, is currently discerning if she is called to be a priest or deacon. I am very honored to be part of the group that is guiding her during this process. We meet every 2-3 weeks for around 6 sessions. I think it's a really great process because it gives the seeker (the person who is seeking what God is calling them to do) opportunities to pray and reflect about why they feel called to this. It's obvious that the church has put a lot of thought into this process.

COVID-19 - A couple of weeks ago Austin, Tx lifted their mask mandate for government buildings. To me, that felt like the end of the pandemic. The only place where I still wear a mask is in medical buildings as they still require them. It's so odd to look back at the transitions: getting accustomed to wearing a mask in public, trying not to panic when people in crowded places refused to wear a mask, and now back to rarely seeing people wearing a mask. I have lots of thoughts on how the world should be based on what we learned during the pandemic but this post is already long enough.

Overall, things are going well in my life. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. ;)

-Clare G. S.

Music Eases All My Problems

One of these days I'll write here regularly. It will probably be when I retire.

Pets - No news is good news. The colder weather means our dogs are spending a lot of time outdoors. They can come and go from the house as they please but they really love cold weather. Fish are fishing. Birds are birding.

Family - In a couple of months I'm going to officiate my brother's wedding! This will be my second time doing this. I'm really excited to be such an integral part of their special day. Here's a photo of my first time officiating a wedding:

Therapy - Dr. S is awesome. As stated in my previous post, I was seeing him every other week. After about 5 sessions we decided to wait for the next one. I'm doing much better now and since insurance covers a specific number of sessions in a 12 month period, I don't want to "waste" any. I'm doing better about accepting my mistakes. I'm working on being more cognizant of my emotions. I don't judge them but it's really helpful sometimes to stop and say, "Wow, I'm really upset. What's upsetting me? It's probably frustration from that meeting that didn't go well. That's a valid reaction." I don't understand why this helps stable my emotions; I simply accept that it does. Meditation really helps as well but I haven't yet set a good habit with that.

Work - I feel like I'm still adjusting to my "new" job (I started last July). We have days that we are really busy and then some days that I'm searching for what to do. I'm used to having something to do nearly constantly. Our campuses are really short staffed lately which I can only assume is due to the current COVID wave. Due to federal privacy laws (HIPAA & FERPA) the campuses can't tell me why someone is out of the office but it's pretty rare for people to take two weeks off of work at the last minute for any reason other than COVID. 

Due to these shortages, I subbed a 6th grade social studies class last week for a day. It went well but it also reminded me why I left the classroom. The stress of just watching classes exhausted me. Add in lesson plans, contacting parents, meetings, grading, professional development, and a pandemic . . . I don't know how teachers get anything done nowadays. 

Yesterday I went to my old stomping grounds, the high school, to help them catch up on attendance and to help train a new employee. It was amazing to see my friends. The person I trained was friendly, listened well, and had great questions. Everyone I saw said "Clare! It's so good to see you! I miss you!". However, at the end of the day I found myself crying. It hit me how much I missed seeing these people every day. When I went home and talked to my spouse he pointed out that I had spent 9 years at that campus. I had strong relationships with a lot of people there. Seeing all of them and them being so warm and welcoming was a tough reminder that I don't have those relationships at my new job yet. When he said that it seemed so obvious. Of course I don't have those kind of relationships yet; I've only been working there for about 7 months. It helped to hear that my reaction and emotions were valid.

A few of the amazing people I miss working with

Volunteering - Unfortunately I have to be purposefully vague here. There's a group I volunteer with and we had some disagreements this week. I will avoid conflict if at all possible so even minor disagreements give me a lot of stress. Then, we got some information that just added more stress. We are in a situation where it feels like we are working so hard but our goal feels so far away.

Music - By Friday night I was feeling worn out from the week. My husband, his sister, and her husband were going to have dinner together at our place. To help me calm a little on my way home from work, I listened to my two favorite tracks from Hamilton, "Dear Theodosia" and "Burn". I was singing them as loud as I could in my car. I also decided that since I wasn't going anywhere, I needed some alcohol and rock 'n roll. Don't worry, I didn't over imbibe. The rock 'n roll of choice was of course my favorite band, The Old 97's. "Niteclub" popped in my head so that's what I listened to. It felt like a balm for my soul. It's amazing what some Southern Comfort and Old 97's will do to me. I posted a bit on social media and a friend pointed something out: even good weeks call for a little alcohol and a little rock 'n roll. I think I might have a new goal each week: at some point during the weekend, pour a strong drink and listen to at least one awesome song way too loud. There might even be some dancing in the kitchen while I bake cookies. I constantly try to think of ways to be more "furiously happy" in my life and I think this will be small step in the right direction.

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts from Therapy

Before I get to the heart of this post, here are a few updates:

Pets - Nothing to report here! We have fixed the fence and stapled chicken wire to the bottom half of it to prevent the dogs from ripping off planks. We've also placed cinder blocks in front of the areas with small holes. This seems to be working alright.

Work - They created a job for a Skyward specialist. I applied and I didn't even get an interview. I can understand not getting the job but not getting an interview when half of that job is what I currently do . . . I'm not happy about it. I have asked HR what I can do with my resume to improve my chances of getting an interview for future positions. I'm interested in seeing what they say.

Family - The Texas portion of my family plus my parents were able to visit a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't for very long but it was so nice to see almost everyone face-to-face again. We hung out mostly outdoors and just ate and talked. A pretty perfect evening, if you ask me.

A portion of my wonderful family

What I'd really like to discuss in this post is, once again, my mental health. I realized that it wasn't where it should be. People asked, "how are you doing?" and I'd honestly say "just fine" and believed it. However, there are other questions that my husband asked me or I asked myself that made me realize that I really wasn't fine:

• How often are your thoughts racing/running away from you? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't doing enough? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't good enough? Frequently.
• How often are you reading? Not often (For me, not reading is a bad sign. It usually points to me not being able to relax and disconnect from daily worries)
• Are you keeping up with usual chores for the most part? Nope.
• How often are you snapping at people for small problems? Too often.

So, I talked to my primary care physician. He's the one who takes care of my psych meds since my psychiatrist is no longer covered by my insurance. We've upped my medications and he referred me to a psychologist. Honestly, I didn't want to go to a psychologist. I really felt like my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it; that there are other people who need that help much more than I do. My husband had to remind me that I am worthy of getting help. The fact that other people need help doesn't not change my need. 

I'm now seeing a psychologist every other week. So far we've had two one-hour sessions and my third will be later this week. I like Dr. S and feel comfortable with him. We will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapt (ACT) which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I looked up CBT and it's exactly what Dr. S and I discussed in our first session. In a nut shell, my brain has learned certain behaviors in reaction to stimuli. We can't wave a wand and stop them but I can learn how to recognize those behaviors and then, hopefully, train my brain to react a little differently.

In my two sessions there have been two things that Dr. S has said that really stuck with me.

1. My anxiety is not a problem to be fixed; it's more like an overly helpful friend.

I have always disliked my GAD and have thought of it as something that I need to completely get rid of. Dr. S posited that anxiety is good and has an evolutionary reason for existing. Think about it: if you had no anxiety ever, wouldn't that be a bad thing? It's good to get some anxiety before a test because it motivates you to study. It's good to get some anxiety when driving in bad weather because it helps you focus on the task at hand. He said that anxiety is necessary but sometimes my anxiety is doing more than it ought to. It's like that friend that really wants to be helpful but oversteps their bounds. My anxiety is trying to help me but it doesn't realize that I don't need it in the moment. I'm not in a life-or-death situation when I'm running late for an appointment but my anxiety thinks I am and is trying to help me avoid that "death" option. 

2. I cannot use logic to lessen my anxiety because it doesn't come from the logical part of my brain.

This was a very disappointing revelation. I want logic to work. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up I tell myself "Clare, you're ok. Everything's going to be ok. Things aren't going as planned but that happens sometimes. This is not going to ruin your life." Guess how well that works? It doesn't. It's so frustrating! My pre-frontal cortex (that lovely logic machine) knows that my high anxiety is unwarranted but it can't stop it. My amygdala (I think that's the part, I could be totally wrong here) is the one saying it's time to FREAK OUT because OH MY GOSH THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. WHY AREN'T YOU WORRIED! IT'S TIME TO WORRY! So yeah, if my brain is going into Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze mode it's not going to listen to logic. Logic doesn't matter at that time. This means I have to train the amygdala instead of relying on my pre-frontal cortex.

What does this all mean for your lovely author? It has become rapidly apparent that a lot of my anxiety stems from pressure I put on myself to be nearly perfect. Again, the logical part of me knows I can't be perfect and I completely accept that other people make mistakes but I am not ok with myself making mistakes. My "homework assignement" has been to purposefully make mistakes. I cringe that I have to do this but I understand why. This means everyday I've been making a mistake that's big enough to bother me but small enough to not have really bad consequences (I'm still driving with my seat belt!) I'm starting small so, for example, I sent an email around 4pm with "good morning". I showed up to work about 20 minutes late one day. I did not correct a misspelling in this paragraph even though that red squiggly line is taunting me. The really great part about this assignment is that I cannot fail because if I don't do the assignment then I am making a mistake. If I do the assignment then hopefully I can learn to be ok with the mistakes. Finally, a win-win situation!

By the way, I'm also not re-reading this entire post before hitting "publish". It feels really wrong to not go back and look for errors, see if the writing sounds like me, etc. I want to feel better and if these little things are steps on the right path then I'm going to take them.

I'm going to end this with a reminder to really check-in on your loved ones and yourself. Take a moment each week or at least each month to pause and probe how you are doing. Evaluate what is normal, healthy thoughts for yourself and what is not. (Desires to hurt yourself or desires to not wake up the next day is not healthy in anyone. Please immediately call 1-800-273-8255 for free anytime day or night).I feel pretty certain that all of us experienced some level of heightened anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic. Think back to what that looked like in you. Ask yourself if you still have that going on. If you do, please find help for yourself. You are always worth it. 

-Clare G. S.

A Little Update and a Little Rock & Roll

It's about time for an update, isn't it?

Our dog, Freyja - Just a day or two after my last post Freyja figured out how to take off her bandage. When I say bandage, I mean bandage or cloth boot. Even while wearing a collar AND a cage muzzle, she consistently took them off. My spouse and I had a long chat about where to go from there. We decided that all we could do was keep the sunroom really clean (that's where the dogs spend most of their time) and wipe down Freyja's paw with iodine two or three times a day. So, everyday at lunch I was returning home, kicking out the dogs for a potty break, and spending that time to vacuum and mop the sunroom. I then brought the dogs in, wolfed down lunch, and returned to work. It was tiring but worth it. I checked Freyja's paw today and I'm amazed at how well it has healed. I literally did a double take where I checked her other paw because I thought surely I was looking at the wrong paw. There was no way her pad could be so well healed but it is! I'm so happy that we have made it out of the woods and that we don't have to fret about infection. The next step is to fix the hole in the fence so that the dogs can be outside unsupervised again.

COVID - f*ck COVID. I'm tired of it. Please, friends, if you are eligible to get the vaccine and have not done so already, please seriously consider it. I would be happy to talk to you about it if you have concerns that you want to voice to someone who won't jump down your throat.

Work - Work is going well for both me and my spouse, Matthew. There have been some rough days but we are getting into the groove of it. I've been surprised with how much of my job has been tech support for our Student Management System, Skyward. From what I understand, my department over the years has slowly absorbed more and more of the Skyward help: setting up courses, running report cards, new student enrollment, running reports, and trouble shooting issues. None of this really ought to be our department since our job is to handle the data that goes to the state and insure that is accurate. It sounds like our district will be creating a position to be basically a Skyward specialist. I'm considering applying for this position since a lot of it would be what I'm doing now and I enjoy what I do right now. We'll see how that goes.

Family - My brother recently got engaged and I'm trying to convince him that a low-stress way to get married is for me to be the officiant. I'll let you know if I'm able to convince him. I got to hang out with my sister, P, and her family last weekend and it was so awesome to see them. She has two daughters whom I adore. I haven't seen the rest of my siblings in quite a while (again, COVID sucks) but *knocks on wood* it looks like I should be seeing a few of them in October.

Church - I think I might have myself overbooked when it comes to church. I'm in the choir, on the vestry (committee that takes care of finances and whatnot), on the stewardship committee (fundraising to create our budget for the next year), "leading" a small group (more like herding cats but I love them), and I'll be volunteering at our first ever pumpkin patch. I think for 2022 I'm going to take a small step back so that I don't burn out.

Miscellaneous - Last weekend Matthew and I saw my favorite band, the Old 97's, in concert in Austin. I was a little hesitant to go but the venue announced that they would be checking vaccination cards (or proof of recent negative COVID test) at the door and would require masks. The venue was smaller (The 3Ten for those familiar with the Austin live music scene) so that combined with the safety precautions convinced me to go. I'm so glad we did. It was AMAZING to hear them live again. My sister asked me how many times I've seen them live and I realized that it has to be at least five times. I think that's more than any other band combined for me. If you don't know who the hell I'm talking about, I suggest looking up the following songs: "Won't Be Home", "Good with God", "Question" (by their lead singer, Rhett Miller), "Dance with Me". and "Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue". 

I can't think of anything else I ought to report so I'll leave you with a few photos from the concert. It was a triumph of rock.

The Old 97's from left to right: Ken Bethea, Rhett Miller, Philip Peeples, and Murray Hammond.

Ken absolutely rocking it. He always looks so serious at shows!

Murray Hammond <3

Rhett, making everyone swoon

No joke, this is the best photo I got of Philip

-Clare G. S.