Sundays

Sundays have become incredibly difficult for me. You see, my dad has been a deeply religious man my entire life. I was raised Roman Catholic but in an Anglican Use parish. That means that I grew up singing from an Episcopalian hymnal. A few years ago I officially converted and became Episcopalian.

I bring up all this because that means that the church I currently attend uses the exact same hymnal that I grew up with. The Sunday service is incredibly similar to the ones of my childhood (just less Latin!). The incredible irony is that I find myself unable to attend church, the one activity I know my dad would find most important that I do not miss. This morning, I was in tears before I even put on my shoes. Every minute of church brings me memories of my dad.

I think of him as an altar server, carefully attending to every detail to make sure Mass was celebrated just so. 

I think of my parents and siblings singing all of the hymns and me eager to sing with them.

I think of one of my favorite old photos of my dad: him as a choir boy, choir robes and all. And then how I've followed in his footsteps by joining my church's choir.

I think of him carefully gold-leafing the statues of St. Mary and St. Joseph. 

I think of his cremains, currently in a columbarium in the church. 

I am indecisive each Sunday morning. I want to go to church because it's a part of who I am and I truly believe it helps me be a decent human being. I want to go to church to honor my Dad. But I feel an urge to avoid church because I know it's going to hurt. I know I will start crying well before I even receive communion.

Today, I missed church and spent time with my spouse and our dogs instead. Perhaps my dad can pray for me as I pray for him. Perhaps by Sunday God will grant me the courage to face some pain with the knowledge that, eventually, it will hurt less and less.

My dad as a (grumpy) choir boy

-Clare G. S.

Louis

My dad, Louis

This isn't the post I thought I would write next but here we are. A month ago, on March 22, my dad passed away. We saw it coming but at the same time didn't. The previous Friday, I said goodbye to him at the hospital after visiting for a couple of days. I thought to myself "I'll see him in a few weeks, maybe at Easter". The next day I got the message from my brother and sister that I needed to head back to Dallas. Later that afternoon, my husband and I made it back to the hospital. We spent time with Dad. Not too long after midnight, he was gone.

I have never experienced this kind of mourning before. I like the metaphor my mom has: it's like swimming in the ocean. You see a massive wave coming and it pushes you underwater. You find your way back up and get some air. Not long after that, another wave hits. After some time, the waves are smaller and they become less frequent. Eventually you are able to keep your head above water for most of the waves. Those waves of grief can be immobilizing for me right now. Other times, it feels like he's just a phone call away. 

I don't know where to go with this post. I know that writing often helps me when I'm overwhelmed with emotions.  I think I would like to share some of the wonderful memories I have of my dad.

*As a teenager, I frequently woke up suddenly because my dad was downstairs watching The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly with the volume so high that I heard the "dun-ah-lah . .  wah wah wah".

*When I was a child, Dad often played the piano and I would dance. My favorite was the Raindrop Prelude by Chopin.

*I loved it when I fell asleep on the couch and he would carry me to my med.

*He loved our dog, Jojo, so much and she was obsessed with him. They were such a cute pair.

*Dad taught me about the cardinalities of infinity when I was in middle school. He always encouraged my love of math.

*My last conversation with him was about the etymology of the word "paradise". I'm glad that my final conversation with him was a mixture of a topic he loves, religion, and a topic I love, linguistics.

*He had the best mischievous wink.

*I remember watching and rewatching all the great British entertainment from Shakespeare's Henry V to the old Brit coms on PBS: Fawlty Towers, Keeping Up Appearances, Are You Being Served?, and Black Adder.

I'll leave with one thought that a really great therapist told me: Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. We wouldn't hurt this much while grieving it we didn't love that person so much. I love my dad so much. 

-Clare G. S.

FIFA World Cup - Applying to be a Volunteer

Well, it's been a few . . . years. Basic updates:

Pets - We currently have two dogs (they are mother & daughter), an aquarium of fish, but no birds. I little over a year ago we realized that we were not able to give my bird the care she deserved. We were very fortunate to have a friend who was able to take her in and give her great care. She's not the only bird in her new family which also makes me feel better about the situation.

Jobs - My spouse left teaching a little over a year ago and we bought a portion of an arcade bar. Life as a small business owner is always interesting! This past July I received a promotion to be the head of my department at the school district. So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Family - The big news here is that 1) my in-laws plan on moving to our area in the coming months and 2) my father is going through a difficult time health-wise. Things seem to be improving for my dad and I am incredibly grateful for that. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to my in-laws being closer. They are truly lovely people so it will be nice to be able to drive to see them instead of flying 1,000 miles.

Why does the title of this entry mention the FIFA World Cup?

The men's World Cup is in the US this year and one of the host cities is Dallas. Sometime last summer (I don't remember when or how), I found out that FIFA was looking for volunteers to assist at the World Cup games. I really enjoy watching soccer but I know I could never afford tickets to a World Cup game. I figure that volunteering would be a fun way to be part of the games without being stupidly expensive. Plus, I've loved my time working with Bell County Comic Con. I figure if I enjoy working at an event with 40,000 visitors, I'll probably enjoy working for an event that's even bigger.

Back in August, I filled-out the online application to volunteer. It said I would be emailed with updates in the coming months. I was really worried I would miss that email so I set a reminder on my calendar to check my personal email at least twice a week for anything from FIFA. 

In mid-December, I received an email from FIFA inviting me to a volunteer tryout! I scheduled my tryout for mid-January. 

January 17, I went to Dallas for the tryout. The tryout was a one-on-one interview, a chance to find out more about the volunteer experience, and a chance to learn a bit of the history of the World Cup. While there, they explained that they had around 30,000 volunteer applications and only 15,000 were invited for a tryout. After the tryout, only 6,100 people will be chosen as volunteers. Whether I make it further or not, I'm really proud to be in the top 50% of applicants! I feel like my interview went really well so now I'm crossing my fingers that I get chosen.

The volunteer tryouts had A LOT of great places for photo ops

Volunteering for the FIFA World Cup is a once in a lifetime experience so I thought it would be best to record my experience here. It'll be really cool to look back on this in the years to come. In the next few weeks I should be adding a new blog post telling y'all if I was chosen as a volunteer or not. Send all the good vibes my way!

-Clare G. S.

Summer Recap: Part 1

A photo of mammoth bones to get your attention

Holy crud, where has 2022 gone?  It's way past time for me to write about my summer.

In my current job I work nearly year-round. I do get the usual days off during the school year (1 week for Thanksgiving, 2 weeks for winter, 1 week for Spring Break, etc) but I work most of the summer. While I was at work my husband worked his butt off to spruce up the house. We now have a nice walkway from the back door. This is really helpful because the dogs were tracking in dirt and mud. He also built nice flowerbeds in the front yard and populated them with some ivy. He then added above-ground sprinklers. I am so fortunate to have such a handy partner!

My sister, P, decided to visit our parents in Arizona in June but she needed another adult to help her with her kiddos since her spouse didn't have enough PTO. She was kind enough to pay for my plane ticket and in exchange I helped take care of her two daughters. Y'all. I do not know how you parents take care of two children under the age of 5. It was fun and I have some great memories but I was always tired. And I didn't have to do as much because I'm not mom! I have learned the importance of always having snacks nearby. We had a great visit and enjoyed having "snacks in the clouds" as my niece, B, puts it.

A photo of virga in the dessert. Virga is when it's raining but the rain evaporates before it is able to hit the ground.

During the summer my parents-in-law visited for a week. It was really nice to spend time with them, my husband, my sister-in-law, and her husband. We did two escape rooms (and had the fastest time on one of them!), a ghost tour of Austin, visited the mammoth site and Dr Pepper museum in Waco, and spent a few hours boating on the local lake. I am incredibly grateful that I get along so well with my husband's side of the family.

Me at the Dr Pepper museum

Debbie Downer Warning: In late July I had a routine medical procedure that required me to be under anesthesia. I was told I would be in a "twilight state" where I would be able to respond to questions and commands (turn your head to the left, does this hurt?, etc) but that I would not remember any part of the procedure. Unfortunately this was not the case for me. Not only could I feel what the doctor was doing, to this day I remember most of it. The doctor did not make any mention of that in the official notes for the procedure. This concerns me greatly because now I fear that this will happen to me again. To add insult to injury, Patient Relations is not responding to my messages (I have called and sent an email weeks ago). All I want is for my doctor to correctly describe what happened during the procedure. I want to give-up on this because it is emotionally taxing for me to have to repeatedly remember what happened but I refuse to give-up because this can affect my future healthcare.

I hate to end on a low note but next up is Bell County Comic Con and that definitely deserves a good amount of space. So instead let's end with a teaser photo of me and my friend at BCCC:

Darth Maul and Me

-Clare G. S.

Weddings and Workouts

I once again found myself at the high school a couple of weeks ago and a friend mentioned that I haven't written here in a while. Whoops! Here's what's happening in my world.

Therapy - I haven't been back to see Dr. S since my last post because I haven't felt the need. I have good days and bad days like anyone else but I seem to be handling the bad days fairly well for the most part. I still need to build a meditation habit.

Working out - Speaking of building good habits, I've started working out regularly. The last week or two of January I started either an ab workout (about 10 minutes) or walking one mile each morning. Now I sometimes do both or walk two miles. I've tried to add in some jogging but my calves start to ache very quickly. I'm keep meaning to look into what the cause could be. I think it's the new sneakers I bought plus the constant inclines/declines in my neighborhood. Also, each Tuesday there is a group at my work that does a 30-45 minute cardio workout; usually a dance-based exercise. I do my best to join them. I'm really happy to say that after nearly three months I can see real progress!

• I can now walk up the stairs at work and not get winded.
• When I jog during my walks I now have to stop because my calves ache, not because I am out of breath.
• Side note: I was trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I mentioned to my sister, J, that I was running out of breath. She suggested trying to breathe through my mouth the entire time if that felt more natural. That solved the problem!
• My spouse reports that I'm generally in a better mood.

I'm really trying not to focus on things like my weight and waist size but it's hard. Everywhere I look everyone is talking about losing weight and dropping inches from your waist. I know the victories I listed above are much more important since my goal is to feel better and to live a long, happy life. However, that doesn't keep diet culture from attacking. I'm glad that this year my school district is doing a step-challenge instead of a weight-loss challenge. Especially for those of us with desk jobs, it's important to keep moving and keep your body active. Also, it's nice to have a good excuse to take a short walk around the building outside and get some sunlight. I truly believe it helps me stay in a more positive mood. If I spend the entire day at my desk and only leave it for bathroom breaks, I get grumpy.

Work - Not much to report here. I still miss my friends at the high school but it's getting easier to visit the campus without being an emotional wreck afterward. We did have one adventure recently. Around 1:30pm on Thursday the internet for the entire district cut out. By Friday morning, it was restored to all campuses but not central office where I work. We finally got internet back around 3pm on Friday. I'm probably going to go in early on Monday to try to catch up on all the things I couldn't get done earlier. On the bright side, my work desk is clean and very organized!

Family - On April 2nd I successfully married my brother to his wife! My goal was to avoid crying during the ceremony since I was the officiant. I did it! Every time I felt tears coming on, I told myself, "This is not my brother. I am just in a play and I'm playing the part of the officiant at a wedding." That helped me get back to a non-weepy mindset and ensured I was speaking loudly, clearly, and at a good pace. There was a funny moment when I had to hold back laughter because out of the corner of my eye I could see their dog rolling on his back. 

Me as the officiant! I guess that blouse is now my officiant blouse.

Church - I'm so excited because our church has a new rector! We've been searching for one since about 2019 so we are all really happy to have a permanent rector again. Don't get me wrong, our interim rector was great but our congregation was ready for someone who will be here long-term. It was really interesting to be part of this process since I'm accustomed to the Roman Catholic church where priests are assigned to a parish. I learned a lot about how the Episcopal Church runs and the more I learn, the more I like it.

Another thing I've been learning about is the process for discerning the priesthood in the church. My friend, B, is currently discerning if she is called to be a priest or deacon. I am very honored to be part of the group that is guiding her during this process. We meet every 2-3 weeks for around 6 sessions. I think it's a really great process because it gives the seeker (the person who is seeking what God is calling them to do) opportunities to pray and reflect about why they feel called to this. It's obvious that the church has put a lot of thought into this process.

COVID-19 - A couple of weeks ago Austin, Tx lifted their mask mandate for government buildings. To me, that felt like the end of the pandemic. The only place where I still wear a mask is in medical buildings as they still require them. It's so odd to look back at the transitions: getting accustomed to wearing a mask in public, trying not to panic when people in crowded places refused to wear a mask, and now back to rarely seeing people wearing a mask. I have lots of thoughts on how the world should be based on what we learned during the pandemic but this post is already long enough.

Overall, things are going well in my life. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. ;)

-Clare G. S.