Blue Texas

This week has been a wild ride. I'll start with the personal parts:

• The friend who introduced me to my (now) husband stayed with us for a couple of days. The visit was wonderful but staying up late two nights in a row to chat was not as easy as it once was.
• The next night was election night. I went to bed very late once again.
• The next night we got a call from the bar (Have I mentioned that my spouse and I own a portion of a bar?) around 2am. Good-bye sleep.
• Thursday afternoon was my bi-weekly therapy. You who have been in therapy know that it can be emotionally exhausting. It took me next to no time at all to fall asleep that night.
• There was no big excitement at work (thank God!) this week; just the usual tasks.

I need to talk about election night. If nothing else, I'm sure future historians would enjoy hearing a first-hand account (you're welcome, future historian ;) ).

First, I'll start with a brief overview of my political life. I grew up in a very conservative household. Both of my parents worked for the Republican party at the federal level. The first time I was old enough to vote, it was a gubernatorial race. I voted for an independent candidate, Kinky Friedman. Over the last twenty years, I have voted for independent, Republican, and Democratic nominees. I considered myself a Libertarian in my teens/early twenties. I don't consider myself truly a member of any party but if I have to choose one, I would say I'm a Democrat. This year was one of the times I've voted straight-ticket and I chose all Democrats.

It was obvious in the past few months that this election would be interesting in Texas. Donald Trump and many other Republican politicians have done/said things that the average American vehemently disagrees with such as starting a war with Iran. By mid-October I was fairly confident that James Talarico (D) would become the next senator of Texas. I thought all other races would probably have the Republican candidate winning but being close (within 5 percentage points or so). 

November 1st or 2nd my husband pointed out that we would be at the bar when election results would be announced (we go to the bar we own every Tuesday night to play board games with friends). I told him that we would be in bed way before most of the results would be called. Surely it would be 2 or 3am when the victor is declared.

Election night found us at the bar as usual. Many of the friends in our group were using their phones to keep track of election results. I was pleasantly surprised that James Talarico was announced the winner of the senatorial race well before 10pm.

Before I knew it (just after 10pm), my friend told us that his wife texted him to say the news announced that Greg Abbott (R) had called Gina Hinojosa (D) to concede. I was stunned, absolutely stunned. We were going to have a Democratic governor for the first time in over 30 years! I think my brain short-circuited; I couldn't stop thinking "Texas is going to have a Democratic governor. I never thought I'd see the day!" My husband and I headed home shortly after that. However, I spent hours that night scrolling through social media and refreshing webpages to see the results from across the country. Democrats had spoken of a "blue wave" coming this election cycle and it certainly arrived. 

I woke up the next day incredibly anxious. Surely the news will say that Trump is contesting the results. Surely this is all going to fall apart. . . but it didn't. Now, I know it sounds like I was walking on clouds that day because of the election results. Alas, I am old enough to know how government works. Yes, the candidates I voted for won. That's just the first step to changing laws and policies. My excitement was (and will be for a while yet!) tempered by the knowledge that people will lie to get what they want and that definitely includes people running for political office.

I really hope there will be some major, positive changes in the Unites States in the coming years. I also hope for positive changes in Texas; especially public education since that's the industry I work in. We'll just have to wait and see what happens from here.

Looking at the national level, it is really wonderful to see so many women, people of color, and non-Christians win races. I say this because America is a very diverse country but our political leadership has been so heavily filled with white, Christian men. I have nothing against white, Christian men but that group is less than 50% of the people in the US; why are they more than 75% of our national leadership? I'm incredibly happy to see us inch toward our leadership truly reflecting the people they represent.

I'll leave you with a quote from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that made me tear up with joy when I read it and realized how far our country has come:

In 1860, an enslaved man named Sheppard Peek was listed among the possessions of William Peek, a white man in Crawfordville. His value was placed at $1,400. On another surviving document, Sheppard signed his name with an X. More than a century and a half later, Sheppard’s great-great-granddaughter, Keisha Lance Bottoms, was elected governor of Georgia.

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts Over Tea

I woke up at 6:30 this morning and, this so rarely happens, I vividly remembered the dream I was having. It involved three friends from three distinct phases of my life:

• BC, a close friend whom I met at TAMS
• PM, a friend I had at university whom I wish I hadn't lost touch with
• DJ, a friend from elementary school. We still follow each other on social media but rarely communicate.

The dream also involved live music at a restaurant, my current boss (the superintendent) saying hi to me & my group of friends, and the coolest clock that seemed to be a Dalí of the Danse Macabre.

Once I realized that my brain did not want me to return to bed, I started my usual morning routine of taking care of the dogs. Being on autopilot, I was able to let my mind wander freely. Now I'm sitting on my front porch swing with a cup of tea and my laptop, tapping out the thoughts I've had so far today.

I'm pondering the fact that I was taught it was holy to serve others and put myself last. I do believe that is true but it's taking conscious effort (and therapy!) to learn the other half: it is not selfish nor sinful to take care of myself. It's not selfish to say no to the people I love. Some day I will learn that it's ok to have needs but that lesson seems to be quite difficult for me. 

The difficulty with learning to say no is that everyone loves you if you always bend to their needs and desires. It then feels like they will stop loving you if you start thinking about your own needs and desires. I'm slowly learning that it's ok if someone's mental image of me is a villain. I know my motivations. I know who I am.

So where does that leave me? I'm 38 years old learning life lessons I wish I had learned years ago. I'm trying to accept that I will never have every aspect of my life exactly as I want it. I'll work on pieces of it here and there and trust that I'm moving in the general direction of where I want to go. I'm hoping to figure out how to be more accepting of my own mistakes and be more willing to make them.

I have no clue how to tie up this post neatly. Seeing as this is my personal journal so the only rules are the ones I make I will end this thusly:

I'm learning to be more me everyday. If you have a problem with that, *~* fuck off *~*.

-Clare G. S.

I Might Be a Volunteer

Yes, the title is correct. I might be a FIFA volunteer but I'm not sure. Here's what has happened in the past week:

Friday, May 23 - I receive an email from FIFA offering me a role as a volunteer on the Accreditation team! (For my BCCC friends, it's what we would call Registration) I click the button to accept the offer. I quickly have access to more areas on the app. I read through the paperwork to accept my role, accept the code of conduct, etc. 

Saturday, May 24 - The FIFA app now has even more areas I can explore. I can start some online training, I can use the group message for my team, and I can pick my schedule. When I go to pick my schedule, the only dates available are May 26 through June 12 and it's only Monday through Friday. Of the shifts available, I could theoretically take a shift each Friday in June (2 shifts). However, we are required to sign-up for a minimum of eight shifts. I go into the app and click on the Volunteer Support Channel (it's like submitting a help ticket) It says that the average response time is 48 to 72 hours but it may take longer during the tournament period. I fill out the form, receive an automated email confirmation, and wait.

Sunday, May 25 through Thursday, May 28 - I go ahead and start some of the online training. I check my email daily but I don't receive anything from FIFA except automated reminders to sign-up for shifts.

Friday, May 29 - I still haven't heard anything and I've been very busy at work. That evening I send a message in my team's group chat explaining my problem and asking what I should do. I know the team lead is on there so I'm hoping they can give me some advice.

Saturday, May 30 - All the app access I gained a week ago has now disappeared, including access to the group chat. However, I still get notifications whenever someone posts a message in the group chat. The message when I open the app states that I didn't book any volunteer shifts so I may be dismissed from the volunteer program. It also states that if I need help with scheduling, I should put in another ticket in the Volunteer Support Channel. 

The message I currently see on the app stating I might lose my volunteer position.

I plan on entering another ticket. I have to admit that this is an emotional roller coaster. I really want to volunteer in the World Cup; I don't care what role I have! It's so frustrating to get so close to my goal and then for it to suddenly disappear without any real communication. I'm trying to stay positive but as the tournament gets closer, I'm feeling like it's unlikely I'll get to volunteer. Here's hoping things turn around soon.

-Clare G. S.

The Newest FIFA World Cup Volunteer

. . . is not me but I'm not out of the running yet. About 10 days ago I finally got an update from FIFA: I could be on their reserve roster. In other words, if a volunteer is not able to fulfill their duties, I might be offered their spot. I accepted the reserve roster role and I'm still checking my email semi-weekly to make sure I don't miss any updates. 

The long-awaited email from FIFA

In familial news, my mother-in-law and father-in-law have moved into their new home. It's only a 10 minute drive from us. It's already been really nice to be far enough away that we have our own space but close enough that we can easily hop over there to drop off things or just say hi.

My life feels like it might be getting back to a pace that I can handle. There are still plenty of tears when I think about my dad. Just today I received in the mail a note I had written to the tooth fairy at least 30 years ago. The accompanying explanation from my mom told me that she had found the note in the drawer of my dad's nightstand. My first instinct is to say, "I can't believe he kept it for so long!" but then I remember how much he loved all of his kids. Of course he kept little keepsakes to remind him of those cherished memories.

I don't want to end on something quite so emotional so let's talk about band! After over 15 years without playing my French horn, I finally picked it up again last June. The local community college has a summer band program that is open to all musicians in their teens or older. A friend of mine told me about it and it sounded perfect for me; I could start playing my horn again in a low-stakes setting. I had a blast last year so I'm doing it again this year. We have rehearsal twice a week and then a concert after 4 weeks. Last year our pieces all came from musicals. This year will all be American composers since our country will soon celebrate 250 years as a nation.

That's all the news worth reporting. Here's hoping that the next few months will have some wonderful memories!

-Clare G. S.

Sundays

Sundays have become incredibly difficult for me. You see, my dad has been a deeply religious man my entire life. I was raised Roman Catholic but in an Anglican Use parish. That means that I grew up singing from an Episcopalian hymnal. A few years ago I officially converted and became Episcopalian.

I bring up all this because that means that the church I currently attend uses the exact same hymnal that I grew up with. The Sunday service is incredibly similar to the ones of my childhood (just less Latin!). The incredible irony is that I find myself unable to attend church, the one activity I know my dad would find most important that I do not miss. This morning, I was in tears before I even put on my shoes. Every minute of church brings me memories of my dad.

I think of him as an altar server, carefully attending to every detail to make sure Mass was celebrated just so. 

I think of my parents and siblings singing all of the hymns and me eager to sing with them.

I think of one of my favorite old photos of my dad: him as a choir boy, choir robes and all. And then how I've followed in his footsteps by joining my church's choir.

I think of him carefully gold-leafing the statues of St. Mary and St. Joseph. 

I think of his cremains, currently in a columbarium in the church. 

I am indecisive each Sunday morning. I want to go to church because it's a part of who I am and I truly believe it helps me be a decent human being. I want to go to church to honor my Dad. But I feel an urge to avoid church because I know it's going to hurt. I know I will start crying well before I even receive communion.

Today, I missed church and spent time with my spouse and our dogs instead. Perhaps my dad can pray for me as I pray for him. Perhaps by Sunday God will grant me the courage to face some pain with the knowledge that, eventually, it will hurt less and less.

My dad as a (grumpy) choir boy

-Clare G. S.