Thoughts from Therapy

Before I get to the heart of this post, here are a few updates:

Pets - Nothing to report here! We have fixed the fence and stapled chicken wire to the bottom half of it to prevent the dogs from ripping off planks. We've also placed cinder blocks in front of the areas with small holes. This seems to be working alright.

Work - They created a job for a Skyward specialist. I applied and I didn't even get an interview. I can understand not getting the job but not getting an interview when half of that job is what I currently do . . . I'm not happy about it. I have asked HR what I can do with my resume to improve my chances of getting an interview for future positions. I'm interested in seeing what they say.

Family - The Texas portion of my family plus my parents were able to visit a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't for very long but it was so nice to see almost everyone face-to-face again. We hung out mostly outdoors and just ate and talked. A pretty perfect evening, if you ask me.

A portion of my wonderful family

What I'd really like to discuss in this post is, once again, my mental health. I realized that it wasn't where it should be. People asked, "how are you doing?" and I'd honestly say "just fine" and believed it. However, there are other questions that my husband asked me or I asked myself that made me realize that I really wasn't fine:

• How often are your thoughts racing/running away from you? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't doing enough? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't good enough? Frequently.
• How often are you reading? Not often (For me, not reading is a bad sign. It usually points to me not being able to relax and disconnect from daily worries)
• Are you keeping up with usual chores for the most part? Nope.
• How often are you snapping at people for small problems? Too often.

So, I talked to my primary care physician. He's the one who takes care of my psych meds since my psychiatrist is no longer covered by my insurance. We've upped my medications and he referred me to a psychologist. Honestly, I didn't want to go to a psychologist. I really felt like my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it; that there are other people who need that help much more than I do. My husband had to remind me that I am worthy of getting help. The fact that other people need help doesn't not change my need. 

I'm now seeing a psychologist every other week. So far we've had two one-hour sessions and my third will be later this week. I like Dr. S and feel comfortable with him. We will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapt (ACT) which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I looked up CBT and it's exactly what Dr. S and I discussed in our first session. In a nut shell, my brain has learned certain behaviors in reaction to stimuli. We can't wave a wand and stop them but I can learn how to recognize those behaviors and then, hopefully, train my brain to react a little differently.

In my two sessions there have been two things that Dr. S has said that really stuck with me.

1. My anxiety is not a problem to be fixed; it's more like an overly helpful friend.

I have always disliked my GAD and have thought of it as something that I need to completely get rid of. Dr. S posited that anxiety is good and has an evolutionary reason for existing. Think about it: if you had no anxiety ever, wouldn't that be a bad thing? It's good to get some anxiety before a test because it motivates you to study. It's good to get some anxiety when driving in bad weather because it helps you focus on the task at hand. He said that anxiety is necessary but sometimes my anxiety is doing more than it ought to. It's like that friend that really wants to be helpful but oversteps their bounds. My anxiety is trying to help me but it doesn't realize that I don't need it in the moment. I'm not in a life-or-death situation when I'm running late for an appointment but my anxiety thinks I am and is trying to help me avoid that "death" option. 

2. I cannot use logic to lessen my anxiety because it doesn't come from the logical part of my brain.

This was a very disappointing revelation. I want logic to work. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up I tell myself "Clare, you're ok. Everything's going to be ok. Things aren't going as planned but that happens sometimes. This is not going to ruin your life." Guess how well that works? It doesn't. It's so frustrating! My pre-frontal cortex (that lovely logic machine) knows that my high anxiety is unwarranted but it can't stop it. My amygdala (I think that's the part, I could be totally wrong here) is the one saying it's time to FREAK OUT because OH MY GOSH THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. WHY AREN'T YOU WORRIED! IT'S TIME TO WORRY! So yeah, if my brain is going into Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze mode it's not going to listen to logic. Logic doesn't matter at that time. This means I have to train the amygdala instead of relying on my pre-frontal cortex.

What does this all mean for your lovely author? It has become rapidly apparent that a lot of my anxiety stems from pressure I put on myself to be nearly perfect. Again, the logical part of me knows I can't be perfect and I completely accept that other people make mistakes but I am not ok with myself making mistakes. My "homework assignement" has been to purposefully make mistakes. I cringe that I have to do this but I understand why. This means everyday I've been making a mistake that's big enough to bother me but small enough to not have really bad consequences (I'm still driving with my seat belt!) I'm starting small so, for example, I sent an email around 4pm with "good morning". I showed up to work about 20 minutes late one day. I did not correct a misspelling in this paragraph even though that red squiggly line is taunting me. The really great part about this assignment is that I cannot fail because if I don't do the assignment then I am making a mistake. If I do the assignment then hopefully I can learn to be ok with the mistakes. Finally, a win-win situation!

By the way, I'm also not re-reading this entire post before hitting "publish". It feels really wrong to not go back and look for errors, see if the writing sounds like me, etc. I want to feel better and if these little things are steps on the right path then I'm going to take them.

I'm going to end this with a reminder to really check-in on your loved ones and yourself. Take a moment each week or at least each month to pause and probe how you are doing. Evaluate what is normal, healthy thoughts for yourself and what is not. (Desires to hurt yourself or desires to not wake up the next day is not healthy in anyone. Please immediately call 1-800-273-8255 for free anytime day or night).I feel pretty certain that all of us experienced some level of heightened anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic. Think back to what that looked like in you. Ask yourself if you still have that going on. If you do, please find help for yourself. You are always worth it. 

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts on Smoking

If you didn't know me when I was 18-21 years old, I smoked cigarettes during that time. My stress over the past three weeks has been near my breaking point. I take solace in a wonderful husband, nearly daily Dr Peppers, and an occasional adult beverage. However, I find myself day dreaming about smoking again. It may sound crazy but I don't think it was the nicotine that I craved. I think it was Cormac McCarthy who said something about how appropriate it was for man to smoke; there is something about holding fire in your hand that feeds the soul. That's what I miss: feeling close to danger but also completely in control of it. I miss the way I would breathe in, pause for a moment, and then breathe out sometimes blowing smoke rings. I miss the way that smoking was really a meditative practice for me. For a few minutes I had something to do with my hands instead of my usual anxious ticks (which always felt like everyone noticed although I doubt anyone did). I had a reason to breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating because I was convinced that whatever terrible scenario my mind had created was coming true.

I've tried other exercises to calm my mind with various levels of success. Deep breaths are definitely key and the few times that I've meditated I've really enjoyed it. To some level writing in this blog helps me with my anxiety as well. I still come home in tears more often than I'd like because I still haven't figured out good ways to deal with stress & anxiety in the moment. I still tend to shove it to the side until I can get home and release my emotions. Looking back, I'm definitely doing better than I was a decade ago. I'm not smoking, I don't drink to excess, and it's been years since I've had to run out of a room in public because I felt a panic attack coming on. It can be hard to focus on the positive when it feels like I'm drowning.

Here's the photographic proof that I smoked . . . and that I took ridiculous photos

Now this all begs the question: why the hell am I so anxious and stressed right now? Well, Bell County Comic Con was a great but tiring weekend. I got much closer with a few of my friends (Ariel, Pedro, and Chris) who I had the privilege of working closely with the entire weekend. However, it seems like everything else that I reported on in my last post has gotten more stressful and had given me more anxiety. 

At work, I feel like a tidal wave is coming in. The first day of school is Tuesday and there is so much to do before then. I am blessed to work really well with my two teammates. That doesn't diminish the fact that for three people we have a lot on our plates. From what I understand, this has been the most hectic start of the year either of them can remember simply because we have so many new staff members and so many staff members who changed position. We are constantly scrambling to train people and help them out. Don't get me wrong! I really do love helping people but it's hard to help when there are so many people who need my assistance. I am hopeful that once the school year has begun and people find their groove that we too will be able to get into more of a routine.

Our dog, Freyja, is not as healed as we had hoped. This coming Monday will mark four weeks since her toe injury. The vet saw her two days ago and said that there is no sign of infection but she really isn't healing much. Instead of wrapping her paw completely (it looks similar to a cast a person might wear for a broken bone) we are going to try giving the paw some time in the open air and then just put a sterile pad in a reusable bootie. We hope that the extra air flow will help promote the skin to grow. This is perfect timing because this morning we woke up and found that Freyja learned how to tear apart her usual bandage. Yes, she was wearing the cone of shame but that didn't stop her! We are crossing all our fingers and toes that she doesn't figure out how to pull off the bootie while wearing the cone. I'm very anxious about this situation because if the toe doesn't heal it will have to be amputated. It's one of her weight-bearing toes so the vet is leaving amputation as a last option.

Freyja at the vet 2 weeks ago

Finally, COVID-19 is a nightmare that won't go away. I'm fully vaccinated and so is my spouse but I'm afraid for so many people. I have a friend from church whose daughter is going through chemotherapy right now. Every time someone says that they won't get the vaccine, I think of her. I can feel my "resting-anxiety" ramping up to what it was in April 2020. 

For my praying friends out there, please pray for my little family. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days and I know that the stress of the new school year plus a stressed-out wife is wearing on my husband. He bears it well and I'm incredibly grateful for him and his strength but I also wish he didn't have to be this tough.

To all my friends and family, I love you more than you know and I hope that you are finding joy in this crazy life. I'm going to be ok and the reason I know that is because of the wonderful people in my life who remind me how loved I am.

-Clare G. S.

Snovid 2021

Another month (plus) has come and gone without me writing. I think I have a good reason why I got a little distracted. In February we had an event with many nicknames. My favorite is "Snovid" although "snow-pocalypse" ain't too bad. If you live in Texas you know what I'm talking about and can skip this entry. I'm writing this for posterity's sake and so that I can look back and realize that I'm tougher than I know. Let's go about this logically and look at things day-by-day.

Wednesday, February 10th - I heard that we had a major winter storm coming in (Uri was its name) so I went to the grocery store. I like to be prepared and I figured it sounded like the roads might be icy for a few days and I didn't want to run out of milk, mac & cheese, etc. I also bought a a lot of granola bars because I figured if worse comes to worse and we lose power for a day, we can eat granola bars. They aren't the best meals but we wouldn't be hungry. 

Thursday, February 11th - A few of our neighboring school districts had a delayed start or didn't even have school. When I woke up I thought they were silly because it was just really cold, no precipitation at all. By 10am I realized how wrong I had been. Our district announced that we would close at 12:30 because the precipitation had begun and the temperature outside was literally freezing. I ended up spending a big chunk of my time at work helping get students out of class because their parents were coming to pick them up early. When my spouse and I got to our car, it was frozen shut. No joke, all the doors were frozen shut. My spouse was smart and grabbed a hammer and a large eraser (for his white board) from his classroom. He placed the fuzzy part of the eraser along the edge of the car door and then tapped it with the hammer. He repeated this until enough of the ice had broken so that we could open the doors. We then blasted the defroster and I chiseled at the ice on the windshield with our ice scraper until it was safe to go home. We purposefully took the least travelled way home in the hopes that if we spun out we wouldn't hit anyone else. We made it home safely. 

Friday, February 12th - It was a cold, icy day. School was canceled. We stayed home, read, and watched tv. Not a bad day. Our district announced that the county had 300 COVID vaccinations that they were giving to them because they were going to go bad if they weren't used this weekend. I signed up myself and my spouse, Matthew, to receive it.

Saturday, February 13th - Matthew and I realize that we kept losing power overnight because our Alexa (the smart speaker) kept on making noise as it had to reconnect to the internet. In our backyard we find the reason. We have a big oak tree very close to our house and our electric line runs from the pole, under the oak tree, to the house. The tree was so weighed down with ice that its branches were resting on the power line to the point that it was taut. The forecast called for more precipitation and we weren't going to be above freezing for days so we knew that if we wanted to keep power we would need to act soon. Knowing that it might damage or even kill the tree, we cut the branches. They were now at least 3 feet off of the power line. We then spent some time enjoying the snow that had fallen overnight. I have never seen snow so deep in Texas! We had at least 4 inches in the road! It was cool to watch the snow swirl as it was blown across the top of the ground. Our big accomplishment was making it downtown to get our COVID vaccine. To this day I am so incredibly thankful for all of the volunteer nurses and other staff who came in during freezing weather, on their day off, to give us the vaccine.

Sunday, February 14th - Monday, February 15th - My "Oh, it's nice to be cuddled up at home" has definitely changed to "Oh, goodness. Are we going to be ok?" I'm constantly checking in with friends to make sure everyone is safe. Many have lost power and some have lost water as well. We were supposed to have rolling blackouts but that's definitely not happening. My anxiety starts to climb especially because the forecast says Wednesday night we will have more precipitation and it won't get above freezing until Thursday at the earliest. My spouse and I have not lost power nor water. Our macaws are in our sunroom which has a dog door. This means that it isn't keeping heat as well as the rest of the house is. We forced the dogs inside at night (they were LOVING the frigid temperatures) and cover the dog door. We also placed our folding room dividers between the bird cages and the windows in the hopes that it will give just a little more insulation for them. I'm constantly praying "Thank you God, for keeping us safe. Please help those who have lost power or water. Please keep everyone safe." 

Our house looks pretty darn cute

Look how deep that snow is!

Tuesday, February 16th - I offer up my home to some friends who don't have power. I tell them that if they can get to us safely they are welcome to warm up and eat some hot food. My best friend texts me and by noon we have decided that it's best for her family (herself, her wife, their daughter, and their two cats) to come over and stay with us. They have no power and there was no telling when it would come back. We had room so it just seemed logical. Bonus, they are from Chicago so the slushy/icy roads aren't nearly as terrifying for them as they are for me. They safely arrive a while later and we get settled in. They were kind enough to stop by the grocery store so we are definitely set for the long haul. 

Wednesday, February 17th - We are doing alright talking, reading, watching movies, and playing board games. I was especially proud of their 9 year old daughter who was taking this all in stride. Internally I am completely freaking out about the additional storm that is about to hit us. During the night I could not sleep. I woke up at every little sound which is very odd for me. I'm nearly in tears because I'm convinced that each sound means we have lost power and that my birds are going to get too cold and die. At the same time I know there is nothing more to do but wait until the morning. Eventually I start signing "Silent Night" over and over in my head because it seems to calm me a little. I slept fitfully.

Thursday, February 18th - We awoke to find out that the storm that was predicted didn't really happen. I literally spend the rest of the day thinking/praying, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for keeping us safe. Please continue to keep everyone safe." My bestie's wife attempted to go to work because she is the regional manager. They got their SUV out of our driveway and found out that they didn't really have any control over the car so they pushed it back into the driveway. We again spend the day reading, playing board games, chatting, etc.

Friday, February 19th - My bestie's wife was able to get to work around noon. My anxiety was finally back to normal levels. I realized how close I was to completely losing my marbles on Wednesday night. I was really thankful I didn't. Not much to report this day. Since I felt like things were getting better (just above freezing this day!) I finally run a load of laundry.

Saturday, February 20th - Another chill day. My bestie and her wife went back to their home to check damage. They came back and reported that they still didn't have electricity but it looked like there was no major damage from what they can see. They kept in touch with their neighbor who was still at her house to find out when electricity had been restored. 

Sunday, February 21st - Electricity was back at my bestie's house so they returned home. I now felt comfortable using electricity like a would during a normal day. It was good to be on the other side of all of this.

During the entire storm my family used Marco Polo to send short video updates to each other. Two of my siblings lost power for a while. My brother and I had power the entire time. I'm very happy to report that none of us had any catastrophic damage to our homes. What's odd is that Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday somehow came and went during the storm. I barely noted it, honestly. My brain was dealing with too much to think about religious observations.

I'm not going to comment on the reasons why this all happened (I mean in the sense of why the eff Texas lost power) but I will find it interesting to come back and read this entry in a few years. Did anything change? Did power companies winterize their equipment? Do we go through this again? 

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This week is interesting at work not only because it's the week before Spring Break but because we have three people in our front office out. Basically there are nine of us in the front office. I'm not including the AP secretaries because they are not literally in the front of the building, they are throughout the building. When more than one person is out at a time, we can "feel" it because we have to change up who is covering reception and the attendance window (where parents pick up their kids for doctor's appointments and such). With three people out possibly all week, it's been a bit chaotic. For the record, they all really need to be out. One had a death in the family and two are out for medical reasons. I don't want anyone to think my co-workers decided the start their vacation early! I just keep praying that we keep up with things. It's been ok so far. We just need to make it a few more days.

Well, like usual I have made this much longer than I meant to. *shrug* I mostly keep this blog for myself so I don't know why I feel bad when my posts are lengthy. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason there that points to me needing therapy but we are going to ignore it for now. ;) If you're reading this, I hope you are doing well and that you too survived Uri without too much damage!

This is what our dog, Freyja, wanted to do all day every day.

Loki wasn't as big of a fan but he does whatever Freyja does.

 

-Clare G. S.

Working Through a Panic Attack

I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:

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Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.

My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety. 

My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)

I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:

That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.

I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:

• Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
• Put away groceries
• Put away grocery bags
• Check to see if the birds need food
• Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
• Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
• Put away dry dishes
• Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
• Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
• Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
• Check personal email
• Crush soda cans
• Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
• Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
• Practice French

This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always. 

Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)

Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.

Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!" 

Y'all.

It worked.

For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.

-Clare G. S.

Waking Up White

This is a long post but I've divided it into sections to hopefully make it more readable. Please read the first section but feel free to skip any others that aren't of interest to you. 😊

Racism in the US

Things are really quiet again about racism here in the US. The good news is my church will be starting a book study of the book Waking Up White by Debby Irving. I'm facilitating the group that will meet Thursday evenings at 6pm. This is a great book to start the conversation about race. I know many will dislike that the book we are reading is from the point-of-view of a white person but I think that's why it's a good start. We cannot fix a problem if we don't see that it exists. This books shows what we as white people don't see (I very much include myself in this group) and it's very easy to relate to the author and recognize that I see the world through a very similar filter that she sees. I would love for you to join us in reading this book! Please note, even though this is being done by my church, you do not have to be Christian to join us. As long as you are comfortable with us starting and ending each meeting with a prayer and are comfortable with people talking about race through the lens of Christianity, you are welcome to join us! You can click here to sign up. Choose Thursday evening if you would like to be in my group.  

COVID-19

Remember how last time I wrote I was in a 14 day quarantine? Well go figure, on day 14 I had a sore throat and a slight cough. After consulting with a medical doctor, they ordered a COVID-19 test. Y'all, they have to swap the back of my throat . . . THROUGH MY NOSE. Then they held the swab there for 10 seconds. It felt like they were scratching my brain stem. It was weird. My test came back negative so I was able to return to work. My county now has 3,831 cases (just shy of 1% of the population) with 37 deaths. My county has been ordered that classes cannot start in-person until September 8th. Many school districts chose to start online at the usual date (around August 19th) but Temple ISD has chosen to start all classes on September 8th. I think this is the better decision for our population since so many students do not have internet and/or a computer device at home. The parents were able to fill out a form last week to let the district know if their student would spend the first grading period on-campus or learning online at home. For the three days that form was open, I spent my entire time at work helping people access it. It's a little sad because the platform that the survey was on, Skyward, is the same platform that parents have to use to see grades, attendance, bus information, and to update their information (phone numbers, emergency contacts, etc). We had a lot of families whose students have been in the district for many years but they have never logged into Skyward. I'm hopeful that now that they know it exists and how to log-in that they will actually use it instead of relying on their student logging into the student profile which doesn't have the same access as the parent profile.

Work

To be perfectly honest, last week was insane. Monday was the first weekday in August which meant suddenly everyone wanted to enroll/withdraw. I spent the entire day on the phone with parents letting them know how to enroll or withdraw and reassuring them that there is still time since classes don't start until September 8th (THANK GOD). Tuesday was a normal day but Wednesday through Friday was crazy due to that form I told you about a moment ago. I had a panic attack at work on Thursday but luckily it was a pretty minor one and one of my dear friends stayed with me and was a calming presence until I was able to continue with my work. I'm nervous about this coming week because I think we are going to get many phone calls from parents who missed the deadline to fill out that form. Our campus plan is to call those parents to get the information but the parents aren't aware of that. I'm hoping the district will send out a message to let parents know what they should do if they didn't fill out the form. Plus, we have mandatory training so I won't have as much time to do my job. That's why I'm really grateful that the first day of school has been pushed back; it gives me more time to enroll students.

The Sunroom / Water Heater Closet

In the sunroom is our water heater closet. Since it used to be an "outside" closet and now it's enclosed, we decided it was a good time to clean it up. Here are some before photos. I didn't think to take them before we took out the table in there (unfinished wood with obvious rat chew marks) but it gives you an idea of what we started with.

We were about to paint when I thought to take photos. That's why the water heater and floor are covered.

No light fixture, just a bare bulb with a mismatched cord as a pull-chain. You can tell Matthew had to do a lot of work to take down the popcorn texture.

After adding texture and a fresh coat of paint, you can barely recognize it!

The floor you can just see in that second picture didn't last long. It was a one-part epoxy. We thought "Great! This will be easy to apply and it will be durable". NOPE. It was easy to apply and then, even after it was fully cured, it could be chipped up easily with a putty knife. Heck, painter's tape pulled up some of it. We then used a two-part epoxy that we bought on sale years ago and planned on using in the garage. We figured we would use it here since we had it and because we aren't completely sure that it would cover the entire garage. 

We also got a proper light fixture with pull-chain and recently Matthew installed some shelves. We haven't finished with them because we still have a few decisions to make about placement and such.

Here's hoping I never have to get the 50 lbs bag of dog food from that top shelf! Thank God for tall, strong spouses!

Let's finish off with some photos of the amazing counter Matthew custom built. He constantly blows me away with his craftsmanship and ingenuity. 💜

This is the "cave" that Loki was hiding under in my last post.

The view from the dining room and you can see that Matthew did a great job finishing the wall and making the "frame" for the cut out.

Due to the issues with the epoxy I mentioned in my last post, we decided to completely re-pour the epoxy again with the understanding that there will NOT be a third time. The first time we pulled the tape (it makes a dam to keep the epoxy from running over the edge too early) too early plus the primer peeled up. Yesterday we poured again and we pulled the tape too late which means we have obvious drips on the edges. We are discussing how we will fix it. The good news is that the top looks AMAZING and its going to be very durable. I'll show y'all what we have in my next post. 

Since school is starting up soon, I would like to leave with some prayers we said today during our church service (online). They really spoke to me.

A prayer for students

For the students who struggle with learning, give them patience, confidence, and grace. Help them to know the many ways that you've gifted them, even if reading, math, or memorizing don't come easy. For the student for whom learning does come easily, help them with the gift of humility. May they all know enough challenges to keep them sharp, strong, and grateful and enough successes to keep them engaged, confident, and proud of themselves. For the students who are lonely, hurt, unsafe, unwell, anxious or depressed. Breathe your peace and health into them; may they be supported by people who understand them and love them.

For the teachers

For the brave souls who wake each morning at the crack of dawn to educate other people's children and love them like their own. It's a tough job, God, please keep them from growing weary and cynical. Wrap them in your love, your peach, your wisdom, and your goodness. Help them to see the many ways that their gifts inspire learning, creativity, and compassion. And, please make sure they get enough good coffee, chocolate, and support from parents and administrators to keep 'em going.

For the parents

For the parents, that you would grant them wisdom as they lead their children in the way they should go, whether their children are home-schooled, learning online, or have gathered in a school. Give parents grace when they feel discouraged, and strength to do the work needed to support and raise their children well. May you grant them opportunities to connect with their children and be positive voices of influence.

For those who support learning

For the bus drivers, crossing guards, school safety officers, administrators, and aids. Bless those who keep our children safe. For cafeteria workers, janitors, nurses, and helpers. Bless those who help our children stay healthy. For librarians, music and art teachers, counselors, therapists, chaplains, volunteers, and administrators. Bless those who tend to our children's hearts and souls.

For those who grive

For those grieving the loss of children. This season can be so hard for them as first-day-of-school pictures populate their social media feed. Wrap them in your love and grace, Gracious God.

-Clare G. S.

A bag of sugar on my chest

A couple of years ago I was lying in bed discussing with my husband if I needed to go to the urgent care near us. I was in my late 20's and I was having chest pain. Nothing severe. I told him it felt like someone had taken a 2 lbs bag of sugar and placed it on my chest. It's a bit bothersome but it wasn't alarming. I did some googling and thinking and decided that it was probably just an esophageal spasm (I have acid reflux) so it was best to just let it pass. Eventually it did pass and it took me a while to realize that my diagnosis was completely wrong. Apparently I get this pain in my chest when my anxiety is higher than usual and doesn't go back down. Lately I've had that pain in my chest for days at a time. I've made a super fancy graph for you to better understand what I'm talking about.

The green line is what I imagine a normal person's anxiety over the course of a day. The purple line is what my anxiety is going through the same events. The orange line is my base line anxiety currently. 

There is a silver lining here. I have found that doing video chats with my friends and watching really entertaining tv shows/movies make the pain in my chest go away for just a little while. I really hope that all of you have found things that keep that bag of sugar from taking residence on your chest.

This past week was interesting to say the least. A dear family friend has COVID-19 and I'm very worried for them because they are in their 70's. Their spouse is showing symptoms as well. I am hopeful for them because they have access to medical care and are not in a city that is currently overwhelmed by cases.

I "went back to work" as well last week. Since I'm an essential employee I was required to be on campus Tuesday and Thursday. The biggest part of my job now is enrolling students and getting paper packets of homework ready. All of our high school students have school-issued Chromebooks but many of our students do not have access to wifi at home. The school made a Google form that the parent could fill out requesting a paper packet. If they couldn't fill it out on their phone, they could call the school office and we would fill it out for them. Well, apparently we did not get the word out well enough because we had about 40 parents request packets but over 100 came to pick them up. We explained the system when they picked up the packet so hopefully next week will be easier. We gave families 3 pick-up times: 1.5 hours on Monday and a total of 7.5 hours on Tuesday. During that time the parent gave us the student's name and we handed them a packet. On Thursday last week the district announced that we have too much contact with the public; we are no longer allowed to physically pass the packet to people. Instead, we will have a table with the packets on it. The packets are clearly labeled with the students name. The parents will have to, one at a time, find their student's packet and take it home. Of course this solution is not perfect but I'm glad that I will be able to stay much farther away from people. During the packet pick-up I was careful to wear gloves and sanitize my hands before and after putting on the gloves so that I at least knew it was unlikely I would catch anything from the public.

I hope that you all are taking care of yourselves! Please remember that your new "normal" might not look like other people's "normal". During this time, different people need different things: a schedule helps me but maybe it overwhelms you, starting a project around the house increases my anxiety significantly but it really helps my husband during uncertain times, I don't care if what I'm eating is healthy or not because trying to plan a grocery run is overwhelming but it might give you a sense of peace to know that you are well nourished. You do you, boo.

-Clare G. S.

My Personal Time Line

Follow me here for a moment. . .
Someone online once pointed out that historians LOVE really boring people because they answer history's little questions. Of course I can't find the source right now but it pointed out that by reading diaries historians learn so much. I'm not talking about the diary of famous people but the person who writes about their quarrels with the neighbor is also the person who explains in excruciating detail what they do to get ready in the morning. Well, without that written down how would we know about it and be able to explain clothing that we have found and why it was made in such a manner? So for my own ego, for future historians, and for any great grandnieces/nephews I'm writing down my timeline from the past two weeks or so. Feel free to skip this post because it is loooooooooooooong. This post is mostly so that I can look back and remember what it was like.
------------------------------------
Dear historian,
First of all, you are welcome. This is your view into how an average person living in central Texas feels about COVID-19 (or whatever name has stuck with it). I will do my best to be honest but time does corrode memory. Take this with a grain of salt . . . and maybe a shot of tequila too. (The future has tequila, right? Please tell me that we still have vodka!) I wish the rest of this was tongue-in-cheek but I'm not a good enough writer to create humor.

Monday, March 2 - Around this time (maybe the week before) people are talking about the novel coronavirus or COVID-19. It has hit China hard. I'm being told to cover my cough/sneeze with my elbow (like Dracula covering his face with his cloak), avoid touching my face, and to wash my hands thoroughly (for 20 seconds with soap and warm water).  I am now way too conscious of how often I touch my face. I start rubbing my nose against my shoulder when it itches. I figure no one is going to be touching my shoulder . . . I hope.

Friday, March 6 - Last day of work before Spring Break! Everyone at the high school where I work is looking forward to the break. We host a luncheon to thank the teachers who have been working so hard. It's basically a sandwich bar. We lay out bread, meats, cheeses, cookies, and lemonade. We use basic food safety (using gloves and/or tongs to get food and such). Lots of people show up, so much that we have to make a run to the grocery store for more food. Everyone is in good spirits.

Tuesday, March 10 - Now everyone is suggesting different songs that you can sing for 20 seconds while washing your hands. The original suggestion was singing Happy Birthday twice but that gets old fast. It's pretty fun and lighthearted. My source for news is mostly social media (Facebook and Twitter). It sounds like things are really bad outside of the US and there are certain areas where it's bad in the US (the state of Washington sounds terrible). Some people are posting that this is going to be terrible, some people are saying this is like the flu. I'm a little concerned about a friend who just started on a cruise as it seems there are some breakouts on cruises. I read a lot about people not being able to find toilet paper in stores. Who the heck is stockpiling toilet paper? This isn't cholera!

An example of a song to sing while washing your hands.

Wednesday, March 11 - Scrolling through Facebook is getting my anxiety up. I read up about "flattening the curve". This is the idea that if we avoid getting within 6 feet of each other, called "social distancing", that we can prevent a rapid spread of the virus. I post asking people to do this. I read about Italy's hospitals being overwhelmed and now I'm starting to panic that the same thing will happen in the US. I thank my lucky stars that I am not super social so this won't require much of a change for me.

Thursday, March 12 - I go to brunch with some of my friends from work. I don't worry about social distancing because there are no cases anywhere near me. All everyone at the restaurant is talking about is the coronavirus. We are all very glad that there are no cases in our county and I don't think of any of us hesitated to go to brunch. I talk to my husband about getting some food in case one of us gets sick and we therefore will not be leaving the house. I say that I'll go today or tomorrow. My husband suggests I go today. I grab about 8 cans of soup and a few frozen meals like lasagna; I don't want to take too much. I'm surprised to find that there is no toilet paper and no paper towels at the store. I find a 24 pack of toilet paper at Target. That will last us quite a while. 

In the evening I have a small group meeting for church at a friend's house. There are about 12 of us and most of the members are 50 years old or older. Again, I don't think anyone hesitated to come to our meeting. My husband and I start to wonder if the school district will extend Spring Break as others (in North Texas, for example) have already done.

The toitlet paper and paper towel aisle at our grocery store on 3/12/20

Friday, March 13 -  This is when I really feel the panic settling in for the long haul.

8:30 am - Our Episcopal church announces that we will not pass an offering plate. Instead, there will be a plate at each entrance when we first come into church. We are to avoid physical contact; they suggest a bow during the exchanging of peace.

Noon - Our county has our first presumed positive case of COVID-19 (Tests are difficult to get in the US so we treat "presumed positive" to be just like "positive"). Our church announces that we will stand for communion (no kneeling) and there will be no wine offered. Our service at 10:30am will be streamed live via Facebook.

6pm - The bishop of our diocese has asked the entire diocese to worship from home for the next two Sundays. Our church will have only one service at 9:30am and it will be streamed live on Facebook. The only people physically in attendance will be clergy and alter servers. Our school district announces that Spring Break will continue through the next week. 

At this point I'm a ball of anxiety. I can't stop worrying about my family: my parents are older and therefore more at risk. My brother is an ER doctor and therefore is likely to be exposed. My oldest sister works in a prison which means she is in contact with many people on a daily basis and, in my brain, is more likely to be exposed. My sister is pregnant and therefore more at risk. My brother-in-law is diabetic which means he is also more at risk. I don't worry about my physical health or that of my husband because we are both in our early 30's and are in good health . . . but what about everyone else? What if our hospitals become overwhelmed? The spiral of anxious thoughts in my head won't stop. I'm no longer sleeping well at night. I won't have another night of decent sleep for nearly a week.

The official letter sent by our district's superintendent.

Saturday, March 14 - I decide that I need to focus on my mental health. I resolve to delete Facebook from my phone after my church's Eucharist on Sunday. I read about Italy and cry; their hospitals are overwhelmed and they are begging us in the US to not do what they did. They are begging us to practice social distancing NOW before it is too late. What I read shows that the US is about 7-10 days behind Italy. Everything I see points to us going down the same road or worse because we are testing a smaller percent of our population. I am panicking that we might have a much larger number of people who have COVID-19 but we don't know because they aren't being tested. I'm now mentally slapping myself for going to brunch and my small group meeting just two days ago. Why did I take the risk?! I decide that I will firmly stick to social distancing and will find creative ways to stay in contact with my family and friends.

Sunday, March 15 - I attend my church's Eucharist service via the streaming video. I cry so much during the first half of the service that I can barely sing. I miss everyone at church so much; I miss singing, I miss the laughter, I miss the fellowship. Shortly after the service I post to my blog and delete Facebook from my phone. By the end of the day I can tell a huge difference in how I'm feeling. I'm now spending a lot of time on Instagram which is great because I get to see photos and videos of my friends and their families.

Monday, March 16 - I go to the grocery store to get our usual weekly groceries. I didn't make much of a list because I figured that they would be out of some things. I was so wrong. I would estimate that nearly half of everything is sold out. The only pasta left is lasagna noodles. There are no canned soups, no eggs, no toilet paper, no paper towels, no caster sugar, no powdered sugar. I grab what I think will help us but keep in mind that others need food too. I count myself blessed to buy 2 packages of chicken breasts (8 breasts in total) and plan to put them in the freezer because it seems like the world has gone crazy. I go home and cry because my anxiety is out of control again. I decide to make a schedule for myself for this week to try to bring some sense of normalcy to life.

Tuesday, March 17 - My church's vestry (it's like a church council who take care of finances and other things regarding the physical church and it's congregation) decides to meet virtually via a video conferencing program called Zoom. It was wonderful to see everyone and interact with them! I realize the importance of actually seeing people and not just photos/videos of them. I spend a lot of today working on my schedule for this week. Even if I don't stick to the schedule, it really helps me from becoming depressed. There's something about simply knowing that there are things to do and having a purpose that makes me feel better.

Wednesday, March 18- I try (and fail) to follow my schedule but I get a few things done like start practicing French on Duolingo (it's a free app). I have my yearly check-up at the large hospital in town. Everything I see gives me anxiety because it feels so different. They have closed many of the entrances. When I get to an open entrance, there is a person there with a hospital mask and gloves on. She asks me the following: Have you traveled out of the country in the past 14 days? Do you have fever or cough? Have you been in contact with anyone who has COVID-19? Are you here for an appointment? Once I answer her questions I am allowed through. It's not until I leave that I notice the security guard a few feet from her. The hospital feels empty. Sure, there are a few people in the halls but not nearly the usual number; they have severely limited the number of visitors allowed. The waiting room for my doctor is nearly empty. I have never seen it with fewer than 20 people but today there are about 5 of us. Everyone sits as far from each other as possible. Thank GOD my nurse practitioner is friendly and generally a wonderful person. She calms my fears about everything and I go home feeling much better than I when I arrived.

I get a call from my church's interim rector (who, by the way, is so freaking awesome. I love her). She wants to pick my brain about how we can keep the congregation connected and we discuss how great the vestry meeting was. She suggests a virtual movie event and asks me to head it. I gladly accept since I have some free time, I love movies, and I'm good with technology.

Next thing I know our school has announced that we will start remote learning next week. My husband is already meeting with his fellow chemistry teachers via Google Hangout (video conference program) to discuss what this will look like. They will need both online resources and paper packets for our students who do not have reliable internet access. Various people in our district are sending emails detailing what this will look like. I am given a schedule showing that I will be on campus two days next week. They are rotating out office staff so that the campus is "open". This means that we will be able to enroll/withdraw students, request student records, send student records, etc. We will be keeping with CDC recommendations and there will be fewer than 10 people in the office at a time. We will keep at least 6 feet away from each other. I have lots of questions but I am still receiving emails so I refrain from asking anyone further questions.

Thursday, March 19  - Honestly, I was expecting the US to be more or less locked-down like Italy at this point. I go to the grocery store at 8am because I use their pharmacy and I have a prescription I need to pick up. When I get there there is a line to enter (they are now open 8am-8pm). Most people are keeping a shopping cart in front of them and the person in front of them in line so that they aren't too close together. Since I only wanted to pick up my medicine and some eggs, I wait in my car for a while. At 8:15 people are no longer spaced but there is still a line to enter the store. Since there is an entrance next the to pharmacy, I walk over to it. A manager of the store stops me and explains that it is an exit only. I tell him that I only needed to go to the pharmacy and he allows me to enter. While waiting at the pharmacy counter I see that already people are filling up their carts to overflowing. The shelves seem stocked! I decide that it's best to get my medicine and try to get eggs another day.

Most of today was spent reading for my small group meeting, arranging things for the church's virtual movie afternoon, and reading work emails. I posted a live video of my thoughts from the Lent devotional my church made. I plan on doing that every day of Lent. A friend surprised me with a video chat around lunchtime. It was so good to hear from her! After some technology trouble my small group was able to meet this evening thanks go Google Hangouts. Again, it was really nice to see people while talking to them. That gets me to here!

My motivation to chronicle this comes from my experience with 9/11. I was 13 years old and I have have a couple of distinct memories from that day and the weeks after. I wish that I had written down somewhere what the changes were like for me. The biggest change was how quiet the skies became. I lived close to DFW airport and it was eerily quiet when they grounded all air travel. I had never noticed the noise the planes made until suddenly it was gone. I don't want to forget all of this. Also, I'm very curious if I will look back and think "My goodness! How did I not know that x would happen? Why didn't I do z?" Well, future Clare, I am confident in this moment that I am doing the best I can with the information I have. That's all I can do for now.

-Clare G. S.

Why I'm Taking a Break from Social Media

I have decided to back off my social media use. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I waste a lot of time just scrolling through Facebook and occasionally Twitter as well. Nowadays the only things people are posting are COVID-19 related. I completely understand why people are posting these things, especially those who are trying to ask everyone to work together (social distancing, check-in on friends/neighbors/the elderly via phone/internet, basic hygiene, etc). Unfortunately it has caused my anxiety to get out of control. For the first time I can remember, my curiosity and desire to learn more is making my mental health so much worse. Since I have General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) I am always a little anxious. Now that I am spending most of my day just goofing on the internet and reading articles (I'm on Spring Break), my anxiety is overwhelming me. For my mental health I'm going to take these steps:

• Delete the Facebook app from my phone - It's how I usually browse Facebook. I'm counting on my laziness here because the only other way I get on Facebook is on my slow laptop. I hate waiting for it to boot so hopefully that will deter me from checking it very often.
• Only use Twitter to search for conversations with good hashtags - I don't use Twitter a lot so I don't think I need to delete the app. Instead, I will log onto Twitter and search for tweets with hashtags like #floofs, #thankful, etc.
• Go outside and take a walk for at least 10 minutes everyday - Fresh air is so important for mental health!
• Ask myself the following questions:
• Are you doing what you can to help flatten the curve? Yes, I'm washing my hands thoroughly and frequently (and using lotion to prevent dry skin), I am being conscious of when I touch my face, I am staying home as much as possible, I am not hoarding so as to make sure my neighbors can buy what they need.
• Have you done something today that makes you happy? Yes, I attended church online and sang every hymn even though I felt a little silly at first.
• Are you drinking water and eating well? Yes, I'm drinking plenty of water and I'm doing my best to eat enough that I am full but not "eating my emotions" constantly.

It's going to get tougher but we can do this. First of all, I beg you to practice social distancing. That means only leaving the house when necessary, avoid going to the grocery store/pharmacy during peak times, no large gatherings of people (that includes going to the mall or movies), and be mindful of others. It is making me anxious when I see friends post that they are at a bar, eating at a restaurant, at a concert, etc. You are taking unnecessary risks. Then the question is, what do we do with all this time at home? Below is a list of things you can do to help keep your spirits up. Also, if you or someone you know does not have home internet, contact the internet provider in your area. I have heard of multiple companies that will be giving basic internet for free to people over the next month or two.

Things to do when stuck at home

• Do a watch party with your friends. Choose a movie that everyone can access (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, Disney+, etc) and choose a time to start the movie. As you watch you can text each other or create a Facebook post with your comments. 
• Watch an opera from The Met - This is happening at 7:30pm (I assume EDT) March 16 - 22. Click here for more information.
• See awesome animals at the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Gardens - Every weekday at 3pm EDT they will have a Home Safari live on their Facebook page. I'm really excited for March 16 because it will feature my favorite hippo, Fiona! Click here to go to their Facebook page.
• Play online board games - I have heard great things about Ticket to Ride ($7 in the Google or Apple App store). You can get more information on Ticket to Ride here. Search for your favorite game and you'll probably find it (ex: search "Risk Online" and there are lots of options!)
• Spring cleaning
• Read! See if your local library has OverDrive or other electronic resources.
• Enjoy cuddling with your family/pets (I highly recommend watching The Office or Parks & Rec while doing this)
• Cook/bake something new
• Play PokemonGo or Wizards Unite - both games are making it easier to play without leaving home. If you decide to go out to play, please make sure you are staying at least 6 ft away from others and avoid touching things (railings and such).
• Adult coloring books (I mean, it doesn't have to be made for adults ;) ) Click here for some free downloads!
• Drive-through zoo
• Crafts - knitting, sewing, tie-dye, whatever you have the tools for!
• Learn a new language or brush up on one. I highly suggest the free app/site Duolingo (click here)
• Go to a museum online - Click here to see over 150,000 pieces from Paris museums

Please comment on this post with any other ideas you have and I'll update this list! Please take a deep breath (literally), be smart, and stay safe. There is no need to hoard toilet paper and canned goods or to take unnecessary risks. Be good to yourself and to each other!
-Clare G. S.

BCCC 2019!

It's time to go back in time, y'all! I want to go back one month to Bell County Comic Con.

Bell County Comic Con (BCCC) has become our summer tradition. My husband and I are on staff so we finish the school year and immediately get ready for BCCC. It can be incredibly stressful but I love it so much. The best part is all of the wonderful people who work as staff and as volunteers.

This year was a little difficult because I am in charge of registration but I had to work during pre-registration. I really wish that there could have been a way for me to be in two places at once. However, again, I have wonderful people that I work with and they were able to work pre-registration. I thought that things were going to be as smooth as last year when the doors opened on Saturday but boy was I wrong! I had about 6 people volunteering at registration and we had over 20,000 people enter the event in the first hour! Now, not all of them came through registration but it sure felt like they did! It was odd how it was just a trickle at first but then we were SLAMMED.

Doors opened at 10am and by 11am I had a full-blown panic attack. (This photo was taken after doors opened but before the deluge of attendees) I had a few saving graces: almost all of the staff showed up to help out. They left their jobs to help me and I cannot thank them enough. (Extra thanks to Johnny and Pedro who gave me much needed hugs) Also, my volunteers totally took everything in stride. They were working as a team and helping each other out. Finally, my new friend Stephanie literally held my hand through it. I told her what was happening and she got me to go over to the first aid area (which was just a few yards away from me) so that I could gather myself. The wonderful medics got me water and went back to registration to get me my medicine. It was really helpful to have an area with much fewer people. It was still noisy but I wasn't feeling like I was being trampled. Stephanie then went the extra mile and bought me a mini-cheesecake. She had to basically force me to eat it but I'm very grateful she did. I was being stubborn and I needed someone just as stubborn to tell me to take care of myself.

By 1pm, the crowd had died down quite a bit and my volunteers were able to take a lunch break. The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. I didn't have time to enjoy the convention but that's ok. I'm really proud that I was able to help some people who started their conversation with me irate but left me excited to enter the convention. My trick? Use psychology. The problem I met with the most was people who had not bought enough tickets. They were upset that they now needed to buy more and it would be at full price instead of at the discount they got by buying early. So I pulled up the cost of a full-price ticket and told them it but I knew of some discounts so I then applied the discount and told them their new total. Everyone feels good getting a discount, even if it's not as big of a discount as what they wanted.

The best part of my Saturday was meeting Bumblebee! I had asked her weeks before the con to stop by registration if she had the chance. Sure enough, she remembered my request and took time out of her day to say hi to ME. It made a very crappy day about one million times better.

Sunday is always a much easier day for registration since a majority of our attendees buy weekend passes. They pick up their badge on Saturday so Sunday they don't stop by registration; they just walk in. I was able to walk the whole convention with my friend, Brianna and I even got to chat with my bestie, Jo. It is such an awesome feeling to see what we all worked so hard to complete come together. I also loved that near the end of the day I got to meet a member of an online community I cherish, the FoEs (Fans of Epbot). Side note: if you don't read Epbot, you really should check it out.

You want to know the best part of the whole dang thing? At the end, staff decided to have "closing ceremonies" which was emceed by my spouse. He started his speech by thanking everyone. I missed the very beginning but it went like this:

My husband told a huge crowd that he loves me. ❤️ It was followed by a video recap of the convention. Unfortunately I cannot embed the video but you can find it on the Bell County Comic Con Facebook page.

Sunday evening breakdown started and I hope a new tradition started: everyone told the best part of the con and the weirdest part. It was a great time to tell stories of people paying celebrities to hit them with a metal folding chair, finding underwear and no owner, and having a dance-off with a celebrity.

Anxiety Attack

Today was a shitty Monday. I was about the leave for work when I remembered that I was getting a new ID today so I needed to wash my hair. (When I have a ponytail in a photo I look bald; that's how fine my hair is) So I literally knelt by the tub and washed my hair. Also, I woke up a late so I didn't have time for breakfast. When I looked in the pantry for a granola bar there weren't any so I told our smart speaker to add them to the list. While I was saying that my husband said something. I couldn't understand him because he was talking over "Alexa" (the speaker). I stupidly said, "I can't hear you over Alexa". That triggered the speaker to listen so I got frustrated trying to listen to my spouse while "Alexa" was talking so I shouted at the speaker, "No, never mind". Unfortunately my spouse was in another room and thought I was talking to him. I was hitting my limit with my anxiety. This was added to the stress of starting a new job (which means I feel helpless and like I'm bothering everyone all the time) and the stress of having less than a week until the Bell County Comic Con. Matthew came into the room because he could tell from my tone that my anxiety was out of control. He wisely told me that he was going to take me to work. Unfortunately I completely lost it and shouted that he needed to just let me get to work. Of course there were tears as well on my part. I told him good-bye, that I loved him, and I stormed out.

I thank God that I made it to work safely because I certainly wasn't driving my best. Things did not get much better at work for a while. You see, today was the first day that athletes and band kids could enroll online. They have to be enrolled before they can attend practice and our district is moving to completely online enrollment. This all sounds great and logical until you realize that enrollment opened at 9am this morning and we received training for it today at 2pm. I am incredibly grateful for the very patient parents who stuck with us while we figured out how to do online enrollment. It took us hours to enroll 4 students and withdraw one. Matthew was simply wonderful and brought me lunch from my favorite bakery. He even bought extra cookies for me to share with my coworkers. He's the best and having lunch with him helped me calm down.

The reason I'm feeling useless at work is my lack of access to various programs. Here's where I am:

• Skyward (our enrollment/attendance/gradebook system) - at first I could only see what I saw as a teacher. Now I can see everything a registrar needs.
• Copy machine - today was the first day I could log into it and the first day that anyone could scan.
• TREx (website that allows Texas schools to request/send records to other Texas schools) - I've had access to this since my first day. Win!
• Shared folder - I can access our shared folder but I cannot access the most important document called the "P-Drive". It's where we record notes about enrollment and withdrawal. We don't put away anyone's physical file until we have recorded what was added to it. I need to use the P-Drive daily but I cannot access it yet.

I hovered over J all morning so that I could take notes on how to do things. I was able to withdraw a few students by myself and I feel 100% confident in my ability to request records through TREx for students who are enrolling in our school. It killed me that I couldn't help parents by myself but I know that I will soon.

I now have a small stack of papers with sticky notes so that once I have access to the P-Drive I can record it and finally place their folders where they belong for the next step. From me, withdrawn students' folders go to our associate principal so that she can sign them and then the folder goes into our vault where it is filed with all of the other inactive students. Enrolled students' folders go to the head registrar, L, after we have received their records. L then inputs grades and credits and shares that information with the counselors before the student file is placed in our vault with the active students. Everything is incredibly organized which make my heart happy.

Man, this post got long. I thought that some of you would like to know what an assistant registrar does. I had no idea how detailed this job would be. There are many steps to doing something as simple as enrolling or withdrawing a student. The good news is that the more I learn about this job the more I feel like it will be a good fit for me.

-Clare G. S.