Sundays

Sundays have become incredibly difficult for me. You see, my dad has been a deeply religious man my entire life. I was raised Roman Catholic but in an Anglican Use parish. That means that I grew up singing from an Episcopalian hymnal. A few years ago I officially converted and became Episcopalian.

I bring up all this because that means that the church I currently attend uses the exact same hymnal that I grew up with. The Sunday service is incredibly similar to the ones of my childhood (just less Latin!). The incredible irony is that I find myself unable to attend church, the one activity I know my dad would find most important that I do not miss. This morning, I was in tears before I even put on my shoes. Every minute of church brings me memories of my dad.

I think of him as an altar server, carefully attending to every detail to make sure Mass was celebrated just so. 

I think of my parents and siblings singing all of the hymns and me eager to sing with them.

I think of one of my favorite old photos of my dad: him as a choir boy, choir robes and all. And then how I've followed in his footsteps by joining my church's choir.

I think of him carefully gold-leafing the statues of St. Mary and St. Joseph. 

I think of his cremains, currently in a columbarium in the church. 

I am indecisive each Sunday morning. I want to go to church because it's a part of who I am and I truly believe it helps me be a decent human being. I want to go to church to honor my Dad. But I feel an urge to avoid church because I know it's going to hurt. I know I will start crying well before I even receive communion.

Today, I missed church and spent time with my spouse and our dogs instead. Perhaps my dad can pray for me as I pray for him. Perhaps by Sunday God will grant me the courage to face some pain with the knowledge that, eventually, it will hurt less and less.

My dad as a (grumpy) choir boy

-Clare G. S.

All Saint's Day

If you know me well, you know that I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday because I firmly believe that anyone can celebrate it. Children can go trick-or-treating (in the US at least), adults have an excuse to throw a party (well, if we didn't have a pandemic), and EVERYONE can dress up as a fun character. I enjoy the decorations and I love handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. This year felt very different. We usually have 40-50 kiddos stop by for candy but I think this year we probably maxed out at 25 or 30. My spouse and I carved a pumpkin and I'm hoping to roast the seeds tomorrow. I have a super cute photo of the two of us with the jack-o-lantern but my husband dislikes having his photo taken and especially dislikes it being posted online so instead here's a good one of me with our jack-o-lantern:

I can't put my finger on it but even though we did all of the Halloween activities, it just didn't feel like Halloween. I blame the constant low-grade anxiety that the pandemic has caused.

Pretty Countertop & Some Rambling

Well, the school year started which is why I haven't updated this in two months. 😳 Sorry about that! *knocks on wood* I have gotten into a good pace at work so I no longer feel like I need to just fall into bed once I get home. Plus, today is a 3-day weekend (Let's call it Indigenous Peoples' Day, shall we?) so I was able to get a lot done around the house and now here I am, just past 8pm, trying to stay awake because I'm a bird and my brain thinks, "Oh, it's dark? It's time to go to sleep!"

The Sunroom

It's time for you to see the final counter top! It's so pretty!

It's just so darn pretty!

We also placed the aquarium. Hopefully we will get an even bigger aquarium some day.

I don't have a photo yet of the painted cabinet but it looks great, too!

COVID-19

My county now has 5,801 cases with 93 deaths. Looking back at my last post, the fatality rate has gone from ~1% to ~1.6%. That does concern me. At the same time, I'm pleasantly surprised that the case number didn't skyrocket when schools opened. I can't speak for other districts but I think mine has a good set of guidelines to encourage everyone wears masks, we stay socially distant when possible, and we minimize visitors to the campus. As a nation, we are at 7.83 million cases with 215 thousand being fatal. The worldwide numbers show a similar ratio: 37.7 million cases, 1.08 million fatal. I don't want to spend too much time on this. I mention it because I think these data will be interesting to look back upon in the future.

Work

I have to start this section by saying that teachers are doing an amazing job right now. Many teachers have commented to me, "You got out at the right time" and I have to agree. I don't know how they are not completely losing their shit daily. I have been working longer hours (read: over 40 per week) but it's nothing compared to what the teachers are doing. My spouse is spending 45-50 hours at work and then comes home and spends another 2-3 hours each weekday plus I would estimate at least 10 hours on the weekend. After all of this, he is still only just keeping up. None of this time is going toward working ahead much at all. I'm praying that as we (everyone who works in our district and campus) keep moving through this school year we will figure out what works and what doesn't work so that hopefully teachers will be back to a manageable amount of work each week. 

Here's my idea (which I'm sure many of you have already heard because I'm telling anyone who's willing to listen!): every Friday should be a half-day for students who are on campus. The second half of the day they would be required to work remotely. The rest of the day teachers should be given time to put in attendance, grade assignments, enter grades, catch up on emails, etc. There should be no scheduled meetings during this time. If we require all students to be remote for the 2nd half of the day, I don't think we would have to add days to our calendar. Right now we are asking teachers to pivot and change things rapidly. We are asking them to teach 6-7 in-person classes PLUS 6-7 remote classes. Then they have their conference period taken away once a week to cover for teachers who don't have a team planning period. We are asking them to do so much more and yet we are giving them less time than before. In my opinion, it is unreasonable to ask so much and not give the tools (tools = time) to accomplish what is required. Side note: we would want to rotate the schedule so that Friday week 1 would be periods 1-4 in person, Friday week 2 would be periods 5-8 in person, etc. Complicated? A bit. But it would help with labs, hours needed for CTE (Career & Technical Education) courses, etc.

I hate to sound like I'm being negative or I'm just looking for things to complain about. I am extremely grateful for the job I have and for the team I am privileged to work with. However, I also recognize where improvements can be made. 

Personally, I am only slightly behind in my work. I have worked overtime every week since at least the first week of September, but I feel like it's probably since August started. I feel fairly confident that I will be able to get back to 40 hour work weeks this week or next. Oh dang. I just remembered that it's the end of the grading period so parents are able to switch their learning option (whether their student is remote or in-person). That 40 hour week may have to wait a while longer.*

Church

My Thursday night small group is going well. I love those guys so much. It's really awesome to realize that these people who used to intimidate me are now my friends. I can now recognize that they are regular people like me. I hate name dropping but I'll just say that they are intimidating because we have a former headmistress, a bigwig in the county government, heads of companies, THE lady who runs all the "behind the scenes" at the church (there's always one!), et al. Back when this group started in February, I was pretty darn scared of trying to lead them. Now I'm 100% comfortable with them and just love how we can really be ourselves around each other.

Our church now offers two services on Sundays: a live Facebook video stream of the service at 9am and a communion service in the parking lot at 10:30 (masks required, socially distanced, etc). I haven't been going to the parking lot service because it's limited space and I feel like I don't need to be there. You see, 80% of our congregation is 55 years or older. For many people, church is their main form of socialization. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful spouse and to enjoy where I work so, socially speaking, the pandemic isn't that bad for me. If someone is only able to leave their house for Sunday communion service, I don't want to take their spot. However, I dearly miss the Eucharist. I won't go into details just now but suffice it to say that I feel a very person connection to God when I take communion and it's hurting to keep waiting for it. I think that I will talk to my church and see if the parking lot service usually fills up. If there's space for me, I would love to go even if it's only once per month. Here's hoping!

Time to wrap things up

As usual, this post really got away from me. It's funny how I always think "Oh, I'll just post a quick update" but once I start typing I think of a million things I want to write down! It's especially odd because all at once I want EVERYONE in the world to read this (hello, ego!) but part of me wants NO ONE to read it because I do my best to be completely honest here. Honesty means vulnerability and feeling vulnerable makes me pretty darn anxious. I guess that's why I like having a blog but I'm not sure I would want to do a vlog (video blog). It's nice to be able to edit quickly and easily well before hitting the "publish" button. Anywho, thank you for reading my ramblings. This post has been especially cathartic. Lots of love and peace to all of you!

P.S. - I was just about to publish this when I realized that I would love to talk about Halloween! Gah! Maybe next time. 

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*I'm sure a few of you are rolling your eyes that I ever work just 40 hours per week. Please keep in mind that I make well below the annual median personal income in the US. I made a trade-off when I chose this job: much lower pay for much lower stress and fewer hours. I do not regret this decision but I dislike the implication that just because I don't work as many hours as others means I don't work hard/there's no way I could be mentally exhausted. Each individual can handle a different amount of stress and, therefore, a different number of hours working a certain job. Please believe me when I say that, some weeks, working 45 hours at my job is truly exhausting.

-Clare G. S.

Waking Up White

This is a long post but I've divided it into sections to hopefully make it more readable. Please read the first section but feel free to skip any others that aren't of interest to you. 😊

Racism in the US

Things are really quiet again about racism here in the US. The good news is my church will be starting a book study of the book Waking Up White by Debby Irving. I'm facilitating the group that will meet Thursday evenings at 6pm. This is a great book to start the conversation about race. I know many will dislike that the book we are reading is from the point-of-view of a white person but I think that's why it's a good start. We cannot fix a problem if we don't see that it exists. This books shows what we as white people don't see (I very much include myself in this group) and it's very easy to relate to the author and recognize that I see the world through a very similar filter that she sees. I would love for you to join us in reading this book! Please note, even though this is being done by my church, you do not have to be Christian to join us. As long as you are comfortable with us starting and ending each meeting with a prayer and are comfortable with people talking about race through the lens of Christianity, you are welcome to join us! You can click here to sign up. Choose Thursday evening if you would like to be in my group.  

COVID-19

Remember how last time I wrote I was in a 14 day quarantine? Well go figure, on day 14 I had a sore throat and a slight cough. After consulting with a medical doctor, they ordered a COVID-19 test. Y'all, they have to swap the back of my throat . . . THROUGH MY NOSE. Then they held the swab there for 10 seconds. It felt like they were scratching my brain stem. It was weird. My test came back negative so I was able to return to work. My county now has 3,831 cases (just shy of 1% of the population) with 37 deaths. My county has been ordered that classes cannot start in-person until September 8th. Many school districts chose to start online at the usual date (around August 19th) but Temple ISD has chosen to start all classes on September 8th. I think this is the better decision for our population since so many students do not have internet and/or a computer device at home. The parents were able to fill out a form last week to let the district know if their student would spend the first grading period on-campus or learning online at home. For the three days that form was open, I spent my entire time at work helping people access it. It's a little sad because the platform that the survey was on, Skyward, is the same platform that parents have to use to see grades, attendance, bus information, and to update their information (phone numbers, emergency contacts, etc). We had a lot of families whose students have been in the district for many years but they have never logged into Skyward. I'm hopeful that now that they know it exists and how to log-in that they will actually use it instead of relying on their student logging into the student profile which doesn't have the same access as the parent profile.

Work

To be perfectly honest, last week was insane. Monday was the first weekday in August which meant suddenly everyone wanted to enroll/withdraw. I spent the entire day on the phone with parents letting them know how to enroll or withdraw and reassuring them that there is still time since classes don't start until September 8th (THANK GOD). Tuesday was a normal day but Wednesday through Friday was crazy due to that form I told you about a moment ago. I had a panic attack at work on Thursday but luckily it was a pretty minor one and one of my dear friends stayed with me and was a calming presence until I was able to continue with my work. I'm nervous about this coming week because I think we are going to get many phone calls from parents who missed the deadline to fill out that form. Our campus plan is to call those parents to get the information but the parents aren't aware of that. I'm hoping the district will send out a message to let parents know what they should do if they didn't fill out the form. Plus, we have mandatory training so I won't have as much time to do my job. That's why I'm really grateful that the first day of school has been pushed back; it gives me more time to enroll students.

The Sunroom / Water Heater Closet

In the sunroom is our water heater closet. Since it used to be an "outside" closet and now it's enclosed, we decided it was a good time to clean it up. Here are some before photos. I didn't think to take them before we took out the table in there (unfinished wood with obvious rat chew marks) but it gives you an idea of what we started with.

We were about to paint when I thought to take photos. That's why the water heater and floor are covered.

No light fixture, just a bare bulb with a mismatched cord as a pull-chain. You can tell Matthew had to do a lot of work to take down the popcorn texture.

After adding texture and a fresh coat of paint, you can barely recognize it!

The floor you can just see in that second picture didn't last long. It was a one-part epoxy. We thought "Great! This will be easy to apply and it will be durable". NOPE. It was easy to apply and then, even after it was fully cured, it could be chipped up easily with a putty knife. Heck, painter's tape pulled up some of it. We then used a two-part epoxy that we bought on sale years ago and planned on using in the garage. We figured we would use it here since we had it and because we aren't completely sure that it would cover the entire garage. 

We also got a proper light fixture with pull-chain and recently Matthew installed some shelves. We haven't finished with them because we still have a few decisions to make about placement and such.

Here's hoping I never have to get the 50 lbs bag of dog food from that top shelf! Thank God for tall, strong spouses!

Let's finish off with some photos of the amazing counter Matthew custom built. He constantly blows me away with his craftsmanship and ingenuity. 💜

This is the "cave" that Loki was hiding under in my last post.

The view from the dining room and you can see that Matthew did a great job finishing the wall and making the "frame" for the cut out.

Due to the issues with the epoxy I mentioned in my last post, we decided to completely re-pour the epoxy again with the understanding that there will NOT be a third time. The first time we pulled the tape (it makes a dam to keep the epoxy from running over the edge too early) too early plus the primer peeled up. Yesterday we poured again and we pulled the tape too late which means we have obvious drips on the edges. We are discussing how we will fix it. The good news is that the top looks AMAZING and its going to be very durable. I'll show y'all what we have in my next post. 

Since school is starting up soon, I would like to leave with some prayers we said today during our church service (online). They really spoke to me.

A prayer for students

For the students who struggle with learning, give them patience, confidence, and grace. Help them to know the many ways that you've gifted them, even if reading, math, or memorizing don't come easy. For the student for whom learning does come easily, help them with the gift of humility. May they all know enough challenges to keep them sharp, strong, and grateful and enough successes to keep them engaged, confident, and proud of themselves. For the students who are lonely, hurt, unsafe, unwell, anxious or depressed. Breathe your peace and health into them; may they be supported by people who understand them and love them.

For the teachers

For the brave souls who wake each morning at the crack of dawn to educate other people's children and love them like their own. It's a tough job, God, please keep them from growing weary and cynical. Wrap them in your love, your peach, your wisdom, and your goodness. Help them to see the many ways that their gifts inspire learning, creativity, and compassion. And, please make sure they get enough good coffee, chocolate, and support from parents and administrators to keep 'em going.

For the parents

For the parents, that you would grant them wisdom as they lead their children in the way they should go, whether their children are home-schooled, learning online, or have gathered in a school. Give parents grace when they feel discouraged, and strength to do the work needed to support and raise their children well. May you grant them opportunities to connect with their children and be positive voices of influence.

For those who support learning

For the bus drivers, crossing guards, school safety officers, administrators, and aids. Bless those who keep our children safe. For cafeteria workers, janitors, nurses, and helpers. Bless those who help our children stay healthy. For librarians, music and art teachers, counselors, therapists, chaplains, volunteers, and administrators. Bless those who tend to our children's hearts and souls.

For those who grive

For those grieving the loss of children. This season can be so hard for them as first-day-of-school pictures populate their social media feed. Wrap them in your love and grace, Gracious God.

-Clare G. S.

Black Lives Matter

For the past week or so I've been trying to gather my thoughts. Once I heard of the murder of George Floyd I knew that I wanted to write a post here to speak out on what is happening in our nation but I didn't have the words yet. I think I've found them.

Every time I read of another black person unjustly killed, I get sick to my stomach. I pray for them, I wring my hands, I read about what happened, but I never know what to do. There was something about George Floyd's death that punched me in the gut. Maybe it's because of how painfully clear it is that the police were completely in the wrong. Maybe it's because the minutes leading to his death are out on the internet for anyone to watch. Maybe it's the fact that imagining being him, lying on the ground gasping for air and begging for help from the people whose job is to help but were killing him, is beyond imaginable. For whatever reason, this death seems to be the one that is spurring me to action.

First, take a moment and empathize. Not sympathize but empathize. Imagine that everyday since you were born you look around the world, you look at the news, and you hear about people who look like you being killed in ordinary, everyday situations. Not in war, not in fights, not when doing a dangerous job but when simply trying to live their life. Imagine being told subtly in underhand comments and sometimes blatantly that you are not worth as much as other humans. Imagine having people, your friends!, defend the little phrases that undermine your worth. "Well, but ALL lives matter". Yes, but whose lives are we losing right now? "Not all cops are bad" Of course not but we have too many that are bad and use their power for unjust actions. "It's awful that people are rioting and looting". Can you imagine protesting peacefully (taking a knee, marching, etc) over and over again but nothing changing? Can you imagine a whole group of people being pushed to the point that the only way anyone will listen is with violence? Can you imagine having to constantly defend your right to live in peace, without fear of being killed in your own home because the police broke down the door to the wrong address? Can you imagine wondering who will be next? Will it be your aunt? Will it be your friend? Will it be YOU? I can't imagine that.

Now, are you filled with righteous anger? Are you filled with a deep pain and sadness that God's children are hurting? (Christians: our religions tells us that we HAVE to help our siblings. Is your faith alive if you don't have the works?) Ok, let's use that to make a positive change. Here are some ideas on what we (privileged people/people in power) can do:

• Listen to the black voices in your community and in the world. Amplify them (My friend, Chloe, started me thinking about what I need to do)
• Speak out against racism and acknowledge the racism that you have. 
• Donate (money, time, or talent) to a group that is helping the black community. Here are just a few:
• Campaign Zero - researched-based policy solutions to end police brutality in the US
• Freedom Funds - Google "freedom funds" or "bail funds" and your city/area to find a group to donate money to help with legal costs and bail for those arrested for protesting.
• Black Lives Matter 

I suddenly realize that I don't know how to end this. Lately I've been turning to the Book of Common Prayer when I feel a bit lost so that's exactly what I just did. I would like to end with two prayers. The first is for those who influence public opinion; the second is for the oppressed.

Almighty God, you proclaim your truth in every age by many voices: Direct, in our time, we pray, those who speak where many listen and write what many read; that they may do their part in making the heart of this people wise, its mind sound, and its will righteous; to the honor of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Look with pity, O heavenly Father, upon the people in this land who live with injustice, terror, disease, and death as their constant companions. Have mercy upon us. Help us to eliminate our cruelty to these our neighbors. Strengthen those who spend their lives establishing equal protection of the law and equal opportunities for all. And grant that every one of us may enjoy a fair portion of the riches of this land; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

-Clare G. S.

My Personal Time Line

Follow me here for a moment. . .
Someone online once pointed out that historians LOVE really boring people because they answer history's little questions. Of course I can't find the source right now but it pointed out that by reading diaries historians learn so much. I'm not talking about the diary of famous people but the person who writes about their quarrels with the neighbor is also the person who explains in excruciating detail what they do to get ready in the morning. Well, without that written down how would we know about it and be able to explain clothing that we have found and why it was made in such a manner? So for my own ego, for future historians, and for any great grandnieces/nephews I'm writing down my timeline from the past two weeks or so. Feel free to skip this post because it is loooooooooooooong. This post is mostly so that I can look back and remember what it was like.
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Dear historian,
First of all, you are welcome. This is your view into how an average person living in central Texas feels about COVID-19 (or whatever name has stuck with it). I will do my best to be honest but time does corrode memory. Take this with a grain of salt . . . and maybe a shot of tequila too. (The future has tequila, right? Please tell me that we still have vodka!) I wish the rest of this was tongue-in-cheek but I'm not a good enough writer to create humor.

Monday, March 2 - Around this time (maybe the week before) people are talking about the novel coronavirus or COVID-19. It has hit China hard. I'm being told to cover my cough/sneeze with my elbow (like Dracula covering his face with his cloak), avoid touching my face, and to wash my hands thoroughly (for 20 seconds with soap and warm water).  I am now way too conscious of how often I touch my face. I start rubbing my nose against my shoulder when it itches. I figure no one is going to be touching my shoulder . . . I hope.

Friday, March 6 - Last day of work before Spring Break! Everyone at the high school where I work is looking forward to the break. We host a luncheon to thank the teachers who have been working so hard. It's basically a sandwich bar. We lay out bread, meats, cheeses, cookies, and lemonade. We use basic food safety (using gloves and/or tongs to get food and such). Lots of people show up, so much that we have to make a run to the grocery store for more food. Everyone is in good spirits.

Tuesday, March 10 - Now everyone is suggesting different songs that you can sing for 20 seconds while washing your hands. The original suggestion was singing Happy Birthday twice but that gets old fast. It's pretty fun and lighthearted. My source for news is mostly social media (Facebook and Twitter). It sounds like things are really bad outside of the US and there are certain areas where it's bad in the US (the state of Washington sounds terrible). Some people are posting that this is going to be terrible, some people are saying this is like the flu. I'm a little concerned about a friend who just started on a cruise as it seems there are some breakouts on cruises. I read a lot about people not being able to find toilet paper in stores. Who the heck is stockpiling toilet paper? This isn't cholera!

An example of a song to sing while washing your hands.

Wednesday, March 11 - Scrolling through Facebook is getting my anxiety up. I read up about "flattening the curve". This is the idea that if we avoid getting within 6 feet of each other, called "social distancing", that we can prevent a rapid spread of the virus. I post asking people to do this. I read about Italy's hospitals being overwhelmed and now I'm starting to panic that the same thing will happen in the US. I thank my lucky stars that I am not super social so this won't require much of a change for me.

Thursday, March 12 - I go to brunch with some of my friends from work. I don't worry about social distancing because there are no cases anywhere near me. All everyone at the restaurant is talking about is the coronavirus. We are all very glad that there are no cases in our county and I don't think of any of us hesitated to go to brunch. I talk to my husband about getting some food in case one of us gets sick and we therefore will not be leaving the house. I say that I'll go today or tomorrow. My husband suggests I go today. I grab about 8 cans of soup and a few frozen meals like lasagna; I don't want to take too much. I'm surprised to find that there is no toilet paper and no paper towels at the store. I find a 24 pack of toilet paper at Target. That will last us quite a while. 

In the evening I have a small group meeting for church at a friend's house. There are about 12 of us and most of the members are 50 years old or older. Again, I don't think anyone hesitated to come to our meeting. My husband and I start to wonder if the school district will extend Spring Break as others (in North Texas, for example) have already done.

The toitlet paper and paper towel aisle at our grocery store on 3/12/20

Friday, March 13 -  This is when I really feel the panic settling in for the long haul.

8:30 am - Our Episcopal church announces that we will not pass an offering plate. Instead, there will be a plate at each entrance when we first come into church. We are to avoid physical contact; they suggest a bow during the exchanging of peace.

Noon - Our county has our first presumed positive case of COVID-19 (Tests are difficult to get in the US so we treat "presumed positive" to be just like "positive"). Our church announces that we will stand for communion (no kneeling) and there will be no wine offered. Our service at 10:30am will be streamed live via Facebook.

6pm - The bishop of our diocese has asked the entire diocese to worship from home for the next two Sundays. Our church will have only one service at 9:30am and it will be streamed live on Facebook. The only people physically in attendance will be clergy and alter servers. Our school district announces that Spring Break will continue through the next week. 

At this point I'm a ball of anxiety. I can't stop worrying about my family: my parents are older and therefore more at risk. My brother is an ER doctor and therefore is likely to be exposed. My oldest sister works in a prison which means she is in contact with many people on a daily basis and, in my brain, is more likely to be exposed. My sister is pregnant and therefore more at risk. My brother-in-law is diabetic which means he is also more at risk. I don't worry about my physical health or that of my husband because we are both in our early 30's and are in good health . . . but what about everyone else? What if our hospitals become overwhelmed? The spiral of anxious thoughts in my head won't stop. I'm no longer sleeping well at night. I won't have another night of decent sleep for nearly a week.

The official letter sent by our district's superintendent.

Saturday, March 14 - I decide that I need to focus on my mental health. I resolve to delete Facebook from my phone after my church's Eucharist on Sunday. I read about Italy and cry; their hospitals are overwhelmed and they are begging us in the US to not do what they did. They are begging us to practice social distancing NOW before it is too late. What I read shows that the US is about 7-10 days behind Italy. Everything I see points to us going down the same road or worse because we are testing a smaller percent of our population. I am panicking that we might have a much larger number of people who have COVID-19 but we don't know because they aren't being tested. I'm now mentally slapping myself for going to brunch and my small group meeting just two days ago. Why did I take the risk?! I decide that I will firmly stick to social distancing and will find creative ways to stay in contact with my family and friends.

Sunday, March 15 - I attend my church's Eucharist service via the streaming video. I cry so much during the first half of the service that I can barely sing. I miss everyone at church so much; I miss singing, I miss the laughter, I miss the fellowship. Shortly after the service I post to my blog and delete Facebook from my phone. By the end of the day I can tell a huge difference in how I'm feeling. I'm now spending a lot of time on Instagram which is great because I get to see photos and videos of my friends and their families.

Monday, March 16 - I go to the grocery store to get our usual weekly groceries. I didn't make much of a list because I figured that they would be out of some things. I was so wrong. I would estimate that nearly half of everything is sold out. The only pasta left is lasagna noodles. There are no canned soups, no eggs, no toilet paper, no paper towels, no caster sugar, no powdered sugar. I grab what I think will help us but keep in mind that others need food too. I count myself blessed to buy 2 packages of chicken breasts (8 breasts in total) and plan to put them in the freezer because it seems like the world has gone crazy. I go home and cry because my anxiety is out of control again. I decide to make a schedule for myself for this week to try to bring some sense of normalcy to life.

Tuesday, March 17 - My church's vestry (it's like a church council who take care of finances and other things regarding the physical church and it's congregation) decides to meet virtually via a video conferencing program called Zoom. It was wonderful to see everyone and interact with them! I realize the importance of actually seeing people and not just photos/videos of them. I spend a lot of today working on my schedule for this week. Even if I don't stick to the schedule, it really helps me from becoming depressed. There's something about simply knowing that there are things to do and having a purpose that makes me feel better.

Wednesday, March 18- I try (and fail) to follow my schedule but I get a few things done like start practicing French on Duolingo (it's a free app). I have my yearly check-up at the large hospital in town. Everything I see gives me anxiety because it feels so different. They have closed many of the entrances. When I get to an open entrance, there is a person there with a hospital mask and gloves on. She asks me the following: Have you traveled out of the country in the past 14 days? Do you have fever or cough? Have you been in contact with anyone who has COVID-19? Are you here for an appointment? Once I answer her questions I am allowed through. It's not until I leave that I notice the security guard a few feet from her. The hospital feels empty. Sure, there are a few people in the halls but not nearly the usual number; they have severely limited the number of visitors allowed. The waiting room for my doctor is nearly empty. I have never seen it with fewer than 20 people but today there are about 5 of us. Everyone sits as far from each other as possible. Thank GOD my nurse practitioner is friendly and generally a wonderful person. She calms my fears about everything and I go home feeling much better than I when I arrived.

I get a call from my church's interim rector (who, by the way, is so freaking awesome. I love her). She wants to pick my brain about how we can keep the congregation connected and we discuss how great the vestry meeting was. She suggests a virtual movie event and asks me to head it. I gladly accept since I have some free time, I love movies, and I'm good with technology.

Next thing I know our school has announced that we will start remote learning next week. My husband is already meeting with his fellow chemistry teachers via Google Hangout (video conference program) to discuss what this will look like. They will need both online resources and paper packets for our students who do not have reliable internet access. Various people in our district are sending emails detailing what this will look like. I am given a schedule showing that I will be on campus two days next week. They are rotating out office staff so that the campus is "open". This means that we will be able to enroll/withdraw students, request student records, send student records, etc. We will be keeping with CDC recommendations and there will be fewer than 10 people in the office at a time. We will keep at least 6 feet away from each other. I have lots of questions but I am still receiving emails so I refrain from asking anyone further questions.

Thursday, March 19  - Honestly, I was expecting the US to be more or less locked-down like Italy at this point. I go to the grocery store at 8am because I use their pharmacy and I have a prescription I need to pick up. When I get there there is a line to enter (they are now open 8am-8pm). Most people are keeping a shopping cart in front of them and the person in front of them in line so that they aren't too close together. Since I only wanted to pick up my medicine and some eggs, I wait in my car for a while. At 8:15 people are no longer spaced but there is still a line to enter the store. Since there is an entrance next the to pharmacy, I walk over to it. A manager of the store stops me and explains that it is an exit only. I tell him that I only needed to go to the pharmacy and he allows me to enter. While waiting at the pharmacy counter I see that already people are filling up their carts to overflowing. The shelves seem stocked! I decide that it's best to get my medicine and try to get eggs another day.

Most of today was spent reading for my small group meeting, arranging things for the church's virtual movie afternoon, and reading work emails. I posted a live video of my thoughts from the Lent devotional my church made. I plan on doing that every day of Lent. A friend surprised me with a video chat around lunchtime. It was so good to hear from her! After some technology trouble my small group was able to meet this evening thanks go Google Hangouts. Again, it was really nice to see people while talking to them. That gets me to here!

My motivation to chronicle this comes from my experience with 9/11. I was 13 years old and I have have a couple of distinct memories from that day and the weeks after. I wish that I had written down somewhere what the changes were like for me. The biggest change was how quiet the skies became. I lived close to DFW airport and it was eerily quiet when they grounded all air travel. I had never noticed the noise the planes made until suddenly it was gone. I don't want to forget all of this. Also, I'm very curious if I will look back and think "My goodness! How did I not know that x would happen? Why didn't I do z?" Well, future Clare, I am confident in this moment that I am doing the best I can with the information I have. That's all I can do for now.

-Clare G. S.

AMDG

In more modern language I would title this post #blessed

Today was a much better day. Before I can get to today, I have to talk about yesterday. Tuesday wasn't that great of a day. No, there was no fight but I still had students talking over me, making odd noises, etc for all of that one class period. I tried a tactic I have seen used by other teachers where we all go in the hall and then file back in the classroom with absolutely no talking. If they talk, we try again. We probably spent 10 or 15 minutes doing that. They failed to enter the classroom in silence each time. I was frustrated beyond belief. My last period of the day has been a bit challenging simply because I have 33 students and only 31 chairs (that includes my stool!). I e-mailed our principal in charge of discipline so that we could meet and talk about what I should do next.

Last night I talked to my husband and the only solution we could think of was to give the students one warning in class. If they keep acting up it would have to be a referral. I have changed seats, talked to the students one-on-one, and called home. I have used all of my options. My meeting today with the AP (assistant principal) arrived to the same conclusion.

Today went much more smoothly. I had a few students acting up so I took them out into the hallway for a short chat and made sure they understood that if I had to address their behavior again today that I would send them directly to the principal. Each student said he understood. Each student chose to act up again so they were sent to the office. Once the few who were causing a majority of the distractions were gone class was better. There was still some talking, poking other students, etc but I was able to teach and do small re-directions.

Here's where I have to bring in God. During my talk with my husband last night I told him that part of the reason I felt so horrible is because I have been praying to God everyday usually multiple times per day. I was asking for patience, for the Holy Spirit to guide me, and for the Holy Spirit to guide my students. I was feeling like God was just ignoring me because nothing was changing. Today, I have to admit that I was foolish and that God was there all along. He kept me calm and level headed and I made it through today with His help. I titled this post AMDG (Ad Maiorem Dei Gloriam) because all thanks and glory belong to God. It made me think of that song I sang at Catholic camp as a kid: Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory! :)

Health

I'm still not going on walks around the neighborhood but it's mostly because I honestly think I walk more than a mile each day at school. I need to find my old pedometer to see if this is true. My husband and I have been better about eating at home even though many of our meals are frozen. It's still cheaper and at least a little better than eating out. At school I rarely have time to eat more than just my sandwich and a granola bar or two. I end up really hungry by dinner time but the weight is just dropping off now! (The scale says I'm down another pound) I'm realizing that I have been eating way more than my body needed. I was eating until I was full when really I ought to eat until I'm no longer hungry. It sounds like a small difference but I think it's an important one. I have little down time or a chance to be bored so I'm not filling that time with food. Any down time I earn is mostly used to chat with my husband and read.

Oh yeah, this is going to sound really random but I have other good news: my toe nail grew back! I accidentally ripped off most of one of them at the beginning of July but it is 100% fine now. 

Now that I've grossed you out, I think it's time to go. ;)

-Clare G. S.