Music Eases All My Problems

One of these days I'll write here regularly. It will probably be when I retire.

Pets - No news is good news. The colder weather means our dogs are spending a lot of time outdoors. They can come and go from the house as they please but they really love cold weather. Fish are fishing. Birds are birding.

Family - In a couple of months I'm going to officiate my brother's wedding! This will be my second time doing this. I'm really excited to be such an integral part of their special day. Here's a photo of my first time officiating a wedding:

Therapy - Dr. S is awesome. As stated in my previous post, I was seeing him every other week. After about 5 sessions we decided to wait for the next one. I'm doing much better now and since insurance covers a specific number of sessions in a 12 month period, I don't want to "waste" any. I'm doing better about accepting my mistakes. I'm working on being more cognizant of my emotions. I don't judge them but it's really helpful sometimes to stop and say, "Wow, I'm really upset. What's upsetting me? It's probably frustration from that meeting that didn't go well. That's a valid reaction." I don't understand why this helps stable my emotions; I simply accept that it does. Meditation really helps as well but I haven't yet set a good habit with that.

Work - I feel like I'm still adjusting to my "new" job (I started last July). We have days that we are really busy and then some days that I'm searching for what to do. I'm used to having something to do nearly constantly. Our campuses are really short staffed lately which I can only assume is due to the current COVID wave. Due to federal privacy laws (HIPAA & FERPA) the campuses can't tell me why someone is out of the office but it's pretty rare for people to take two weeks off of work at the last minute for any reason other than COVID. 

Due to these shortages, I subbed a 6th grade social studies class last week for a day. It went well but it also reminded me why I left the classroom. The stress of just watching classes exhausted me. Add in lesson plans, contacting parents, meetings, grading, professional development, and a pandemic . . . I don't know how teachers get anything done nowadays. 

Yesterday I went to my old stomping grounds, the high school, to help them catch up on attendance and to help train a new employee. It was amazing to see my friends. The person I trained was friendly, listened well, and had great questions. Everyone I saw said "Clare! It's so good to see you! I miss you!". However, at the end of the day I found myself crying. It hit me how much I missed seeing these people every day. When I went home and talked to my spouse he pointed out that I had spent 9 years at that campus. I had strong relationships with a lot of people there. Seeing all of them and them being so warm and welcoming was a tough reminder that I don't have those relationships at my new job yet. When he said that it seemed so obvious. Of course I don't have those kind of relationships yet; I've only been working there for about 7 months. It helped to hear that my reaction and emotions were valid.

A few of the amazing people I miss working with

Volunteering - Unfortunately I have to be purposefully vague here. There's a group I volunteer with and we had some disagreements this week. I will avoid conflict if at all possible so even minor disagreements give me a lot of stress. Then, we got some information that just added more stress. We are in a situation where it feels like we are working so hard but our goal feels so far away.

Music - By Friday night I was feeling worn out from the week. My husband, his sister, and her husband were going to have dinner together at our place. To help me calm a little on my way home from work, I listened to my two favorite tracks from Hamilton, "Dear Theodosia" and "Burn". I was singing them as loud as I could in my car. I also decided that since I wasn't going anywhere, I needed some alcohol and rock 'n roll. Don't worry, I didn't over imbibe. The rock 'n roll of choice was of course my favorite band, The Old 97's. "Niteclub" popped in my head so that's what I listened to. It felt like a balm for my soul. It's amazing what some Southern Comfort and Old 97's will do to me. I posted a bit on social media and a friend pointed something out: even good weeks call for a little alcohol and a little rock 'n roll. I think I might have a new goal each week: at some point during the weekend, pour a strong drink and listen to at least one awesome song way too loud. There might even be some dancing in the kitchen while I bake cookies. I constantly try to think of ways to be more "furiously happy" in my life and I think this will be small step in the right direction.

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts from Therapy

Before I get to the heart of this post, here are a few updates:

Pets - Nothing to report here! We have fixed the fence and stapled chicken wire to the bottom half of it to prevent the dogs from ripping off planks. We've also placed cinder blocks in front of the areas with small holes. This seems to be working alright.

Work - They created a job for a Skyward specialist. I applied and I didn't even get an interview. I can understand not getting the job but not getting an interview when half of that job is what I currently do . . . I'm not happy about it. I have asked HR what I can do with my resume to improve my chances of getting an interview for future positions. I'm interested in seeing what they say.

Family - The Texas portion of my family plus my parents were able to visit a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't for very long but it was so nice to see almost everyone face-to-face again. We hung out mostly outdoors and just ate and talked. A pretty perfect evening, if you ask me.

A portion of my wonderful family

What I'd really like to discuss in this post is, once again, my mental health. I realized that it wasn't where it should be. People asked, "how are you doing?" and I'd honestly say "just fine" and believed it. However, there are other questions that my husband asked me or I asked myself that made me realize that I really wasn't fine:

• How often are your thoughts racing/running away from you? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't doing enough? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't good enough? Frequently.
• How often are you reading? Not often (For me, not reading is a bad sign. It usually points to me not being able to relax and disconnect from daily worries)
• Are you keeping up with usual chores for the most part? Nope.
• How often are you snapping at people for small problems? Too often.

So, I talked to my primary care physician. He's the one who takes care of my psych meds since my psychiatrist is no longer covered by my insurance. We've upped my medications and he referred me to a psychologist. Honestly, I didn't want to go to a psychologist. I really felt like my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it; that there are other people who need that help much more than I do. My husband had to remind me that I am worthy of getting help. The fact that other people need help doesn't not change my need. 

I'm now seeing a psychologist every other week. So far we've had two one-hour sessions and my third will be later this week. I like Dr. S and feel comfortable with him. We will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapt (ACT) which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I looked up CBT and it's exactly what Dr. S and I discussed in our first session. In a nut shell, my brain has learned certain behaviors in reaction to stimuli. We can't wave a wand and stop them but I can learn how to recognize those behaviors and then, hopefully, train my brain to react a little differently.

In my two sessions there have been two things that Dr. S has said that really stuck with me.

1. My anxiety is not a problem to be fixed; it's more like an overly helpful friend.

I have always disliked my GAD and have thought of it as something that I need to completely get rid of. Dr. S posited that anxiety is good and has an evolutionary reason for existing. Think about it: if you had no anxiety ever, wouldn't that be a bad thing? It's good to get some anxiety before a test because it motivates you to study. It's good to get some anxiety when driving in bad weather because it helps you focus on the task at hand. He said that anxiety is necessary but sometimes my anxiety is doing more than it ought to. It's like that friend that really wants to be helpful but oversteps their bounds. My anxiety is trying to help me but it doesn't realize that I don't need it in the moment. I'm not in a life-or-death situation when I'm running late for an appointment but my anxiety thinks I am and is trying to help me avoid that "death" option. 

2. I cannot use logic to lessen my anxiety because it doesn't come from the logical part of my brain.

This was a very disappointing revelation. I want logic to work. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up I tell myself "Clare, you're ok. Everything's going to be ok. Things aren't going as planned but that happens sometimes. This is not going to ruin your life." Guess how well that works? It doesn't. It's so frustrating! My pre-frontal cortex (that lovely logic machine) knows that my high anxiety is unwarranted but it can't stop it. My amygdala (I think that's the part, I could be totally wrong here) is the one saying it's time to FREAK OUT because OH MY GOSH THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. WHY AREN'T YOU WORRIED! IT'S TIME TO WORRY! So yeah, if my brain is going into Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze mode it's not going to listen to logic. Logic doesn't matter at that time. This means I have to train the amygdala instead of relying on my pre-frontal cortex.

What does this all mean for your lovely author? It has become rapidly apparent that a lot of my anxiety stems from pressure I put on myself to be nearly perfect. Again, the logical part of me knows I can't be perfect and I completely accept that other people make mistakes but I am not ok with myself making mistakes. My "homework assignement" has been to purposefully make mistakes. I cringe that I have to do this but I understand why. This means everyday I've been making a mistake that's big enough to bother me but small enough to not have really bad consequences (I'm still driving with my seat belt!) I'm starting small so, for example, I sent an email around 4pm with "good morning". I showed up to work about 20 minutes late one day. I did not correct a misspelling in this paragraph even though that red squiggly line is taunting me. The really great part about this assignment is that I cannot fail because if I don't do the assignment then I am making a mistake. If I do the assignment then hopefully I can learn to be ok with the mistakes. Finally, a win-win situation!

By the way, I'm also not re-reading this entire post before hitting "publish". It feels really wrong to not go back and look for errors, see if the writing sounds like me, etc. I want to feel better and if these little things are steps on the right path then I'm going to take them.

I'm going to end this with a reminder to really check-in on your loved ones and yourself. Take a moment each week or at least each month to pause and probe how you are doing. Evaluate what is normal, healthy thoughts for yourself and what is not. (Desires to hurt yourself or desires to not wake up the next day is not healthy in anyone. Please immediately call 1-800-273-8255 for free anytime day or night).I feel pretty certain that all of us experienced some level of heightened anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic. Think back to what that looked like in you. Ask yourself if you still have that going on. If you do, please find help for yourself. You are always worth it. 

-Clare G. S.