Finding My Niche Part 1

Hello from your favorite sporadic blogger! To start this story that I want to tell, I have to go back about 8 years. Back in 2012 I was no longer in school and I started teaching. I was fortunate that my boyfriend, who is now my husband, was also a high school teacher. However, we worked in schools about 30 minutes away from each other. I started that job without knowing any of my new coworkers. Matthew was incredibly supportive and there is no way I would have survived that first school year without him and my family. Their support did not erase what I realized was happening much too quickly: I was losing my friends.

I want to be clear that I wasn't losing friends because we were fighting or because either party was purposefully turning away from the other. It was just little problems that compounded: I was working more than 50 hours per week, after work I was too tired to socialize (especially since I'm an introvert!), many of my friends had moved away since they were no longer in college but I was in the same college town, I did not realize how hard it was to make friends now that I was no longer a student, etc. I had never experienced friendship just "drifting apart" and I was desperate to cling on to the friends I already had but, at the same time, I had no clue how to do that when they were physically so far from me.

As for making new friends, I think that if the people in my department had been different my story may have been different. The German teachers were wonderful but they were near retirement and I was just beginning my career. The French teacher was very warm but I was honestly intimidated by her ability to easily juggle four preps (not including the advanced classes!) when I was drowning with just three. How do you even approach someone who so completely has her shit together‽ With one exception, I felt like an outsider with the other Spanish teachers. They all were very bubbly and relaxed around each other. They immediately could tease each other and have fun but I was afraid that if I joined in on playful banter that I would accidentally insult someone and I didn't want to risk annoying my coworkers. There were other little comments made here and there that I don't think they meant to be hurtful but made sensitive me feel unwelcome. I just never felt like I fit in.

Me feeding an alpaca during my IB Spanish training. Unfortunately, the training was another experience where I didn't fit in.

After four years of feeling like I was constantly treading water in my career, I decided to switch to teaching math. It seemed like the time to jump ship because second language acquisition was moving toward proficiency-based assessment and away from the strict grammar rules that most of us learned. I 100% believe that proficiency-based is the better way to teach and to learn but, in my heart, I am a grammarian. I had the choice to completely re-write my curricula or I could change to another subject that I love. I made the leap of faith and started teaching Algebra I in 2016.

Immediately I felt like I actually fit in with the math team. Their way of thinking about teaching was very analytical, like mine. I again struggled to make friends with anyone because I was adjusting to teaching a new subject and because I was not at all prepared to deal with the discipline issues I encountered with the 9th graders. It did not help that when I talked to most of the administrators, I felt like they did not give me constructive feedback or realistic solutions to my classroom management problems. By the end of September I was so anxious about my afternoon classes that I physically could not eat lunch. I lost weight and everyone congratulated me on it. I wanted to scream at them explaining the reason for my weight loss but instead I smiled and thanked them.  I did not even realize that before the new calendar year I had fallen into a deep depression.

I will not go into the horror that is depression. I will simply say that it is by the grace of God that I found my way out. I was hanging on by a thread and They* pulled me up by that thread. To remind myself that these bouts of depression were temporary and not an end, I got a tattoo on my wrist.

For me, the semicolon is a reminder that nothing in life is a full-stop. Depression is just a longer pause but I will continue and push on.

I'm going to do something terrible to you. I'm going to end this post here. Part 1 is the first half of the story where I am lost and frightened. I'll soon post Part 2. In it I finally get to see the sunrise.

Remember, "Hope is like the sun. If you only believe in it when you can see it, you'll never make it through the night." -Leia Organa.

-Clare G. S.

*Side note: I prefer to refer to God as "They". My friend, Antonia, first put the idea into my head and helped me realize that it is so perfect since we believe in the Holy Trinity. Saying "He" feels like I am limiting who God is!

Edited to add: I looked back at my posts from the 2016-2017 school year. I apologize for lying to y'all on here. I wrote that I was eating less and walking more in order to lose weight. Those are true statements in a way but I was trying to fool both myself and you. I was eating less because I physically could not eat. I wanted to believe that it was due to my trying to be healthier but that's a fantasy.

Also, I forgot to mention that another reason why my depression hit so hard that school year was due to my house being TP'ed and egged multiple times. You can go back and read about that here.