I woke up at 6:30 this morning and, this so rarely happens, I vividly remembered the dream I was having. It involved three friends from three distinct phases of my life:
- BC, a close friend whom I met at TAMS
- PM, a friend I had at university whom I wish I hadn't lost touch with
- DJ, a friend from elementary school. We still follow each other on social media but rarely communicate.
The dream also involved live music at a restaurant, my current boss (the superintendent) saying hi to me & my group of friends, and the coolest clock that seemed to be a Dalí of the Danse Macabre.
Once I realized that my brain did not want me to return to bed, I started my usual morning routine of taking care of the dogs. Being on autopilot, I was able to let my mind wander freely. Now I'm sitting on my front porch swing with a cup of tea and my laptop, tapping out the thoughts I've had so far today.
I'm pondering the fact that I was taught it was holy to serve others and put myself last. I do believe that is true but it's taking conscious effort (and therapy!) to learn the other half: it is not selfish nor sinful to take care of myself. It's not selfish to say no to the people I love. Some day I will learn that it's ok to have needs but that lesson seems to be quite difficult for me.
The difficulty with learning to say no is that everyone loves you if you always bend to their needs and desires. It then feels like they will stop loving you if you start thinking about your own needs and desires. I'm slowly learning that it's ok if someone's mental image of me is a villain. I know my motivations. I know who I am.
So where does that leave me? I'm 38 years old learning life lessons I wish I had learned years ago. I'm trying to accept that I will never have every aspect of my life exactly as I want it. I'll work on pieces of it here and there and trust that I'm moving in the general direction of where I want to go. I'm hoping to figure out how to be more accepting of my own mistakes and be more willing to make them.
I have no clue how to tie up this post neatly. Seeing as this is my personal journal so the only rules are the ones I make I will end this thusly:
I'm learning to be more me everyday. If you have a problem with that, *~* fuck off *~*.
