Working Through a Panic Attack

I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:

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Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.

My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety. 

My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)

I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:

That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.

I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:

• Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
• Put away groceries
• Put away grocery bags
• Check to see if the birds need food
• Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
• Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
• Put away dry dishes
• Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
• Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
• Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
• Check personal email
• Crush soda cans
• Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
• Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
• Practice French

This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always. 

Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)

Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.

Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!" 

Y'all.

It worked.

For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.

-Clare G. S.

Me & Corona

Well guys and gals, it finally happened. I got sick and tested positive for COVID-19. The good news is that I'm definitely on the mend. Here's the timeline:

• Saturday, November 21 - in the evening I have a slight cough and think nothing of it. I go to bed really late and assume that's why I'm feeling a little off.
• Sunday, November 22 - I wake up multiple times during the night with an obvious fever and chills. My dreams are really weird. During the day, I feel awful. I have a low-grade fever of 100.4F, cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath quickly.
• Monday, November 23 - Wednesday, December 2 - Monday morning I feel just fine but by Monday afternoon I again don't feel well. For the rest of the time I'm sick, I never get a fever again. I mostly have a cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath very quickly. There are a few days that I'm congested. I get a COVID test on Friday, November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving). It's slow progress but by December 3rd I only have a minor cough.

Overall, this sickness has left me very thankful. I was able to simply stay home and take care of myself with help from my spouse. I have one friend who spent a month in the hospital due to COVID-19 and I have a friend who is currently hospitalized due to the combination of COVID-19 and a stroke. Even though my symptoms where mild, this was definitely more difficult on my body than a cold or flu. During the worst of it, if I walked to the mailbox and back I would then have to sit for 5-10 minutes simply to catch my breath. I never lost my sense of smell or taste but the constant nausea made it difficult for me to do anything but sleep.

My spouse had about two days where he had a headache and minor cough. He was never tested but we are assuming he got it since he was around me for days on end while I was contagious. Our employer's rule is that a person who tests positive for COVID-19 cannot return to work until 10 calendar days after the test. Anyone living with that person cannot return to work until 14 calendar days after the person tested positive. This means that I get to return to work tomorrow but Matthew will not return until next Monday. It's kind of odd that the person who definitely had the Coronavirus can return before the other one but I understand that it's to give the asymptomatic person time to show symptoms if they catch it.

Looking back, I'm really not sure how I caught it. I am very good about wearing my mask when I'm not at home with the exception of when I'm alone in my office. However, an article I read pointed out that all the air in an office is shared so it's a bit silly to take off your mask when you are in your own office. If the virus is in the air, it will circulate to your office. My county has "uncontrolled community spread" so I suppose I should not be so surprised that I don't know how I got it.

Another interesting thing about this was the contact tracing. I received a call on December 3rd from a person from Texas Health & Human Services. I spent about 20 minutes with the person discussing where I was the two days before I showed symptoms, what my symptoms were, etc. Since I began quarantine the moment I had symptoms, we had no need to discuss where I had been since symptoms began. Which brings me to a request to all of you: if you have any symptoms that could be COVID-19, please do everyone a favor and stay home. If I had ignored my symptoms I would have gone to the grocery store that first or second day. Even though I would have been masked, I would have been putting some of the virus into the air each time I coughed which would have put so many people at risk of catching it from me (especially since it seems many people don't understand that masks are supposed to cover the nose). Also, please wear your freaking mask over your mouth and nose whenever you are in public. It's such a simple way to minimize transmission. I don't understand why some people complain about it. 

I have one last comment before I move on. To any of my friends who I did not tell that I had COVID-19: I apologize if you are hurt or confused that I didn't tell you. I didn't want people to worry about me and I didn't want anyone to panic. I also didn't want anyone to think I was being overly dramatic. I don't know why that was a worry of mine but it was.

I hope that everyone out there is staying safe! It looks like we might have a vaccine soon. Until then, chins up and let's keep moving forward!

-Clare G. S.

Your prize for making it through this blog post is a photo of the jigsaw puzzle I did (with some help from my spouse) while sick:

All Saint's Day

If you know me well, you know that I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday because I firmly believe that anyone can celebrate it. Children can go trick-or-treating (in the US at least), adults have an excuse to throw a party (well, if we didn't have a pandemic), and EVERYONE can dress up as a fun character. I enjoy the decorations and I love handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. This year felt very different. We usually have 40-50 kiddos stop by for candy but I think this year we probably maxed out at 25 or 30. My spouse and I carved a pumpkin and I'm hoping to roast the seeds tomorrow. I have a super cute photo of the two of us with the jack-o-lantern but my husband dislikes having his photo taken and especially dislikes it being posted online so instead here's a good one of me with our jack-o-lantern:

I can't put my finger on it but even though we did all of the Halloween activities, it just didn't feel like Halloween. I blame the constant low-grade anxiety that the pandemic has caused.

Pretty Countertop & Some Rambling

Well, the school year started which is why I haven't updated this in two months. 😳 Sorry about that! *knocks on wood* I have gotten into a good pace at work so I no longer feel like I need to just fall into bed once I get home. Plus, today is a 3-day weekend (Let's call it Indigenous Peoples' Day, shall we?) so I was able to get a lot done around the house and now here I am, just past 8pm, trying to stay awake because I'm a bird and my brain thinks, "Oh, it's dark? It's time to go to sleep!"

The Sunroom

It's time for you to see the final counter top! It's so pretty!

It's just so darn pretty!

We also placed the aquarium. Hopefully we will get an even bigger aquarium some day.

I don't have a photo yet of the painted cabinet but it looks great, too!

COVID-19

My county now has 5,801 cases with 93 deaths. Looking back at my last post, the fatality rate has gone from ~1% to ~1.6%. That does concern me. At the same time, I'm pleasantly surprised that the case number didn't skyrocket when schools opened. I can't speak for other districts but I think mine has a good set of guidelines to encourage everyone wears masks, we stay socially distant when possible, and we minimize visitors to the campus. As a nation, we are at 7.83 million cases with 215 thousand being fatal. The worldwide numbers show a similar ratio: 37.7 million cases, 1.08 million fatal. I don't want to spend too much time on this. I mention it because I think these data will be interesting to look back upon in the future.

Work

I have to start this section by saying that teachers are doing an amazing job right now. Many teachers have commented to me, "You got out at the right time" and I have to agree. I don't know how they are not completely losing their shit daily. I have been working longer hours (read: over 40 per week) but it's nothing compared to what the teachers are doing. My spouse is spending 45-50 hours at work and then comes home and spends another 2-3 hours each weekday plus I would estimate at least 10 hours on the weekend. After all of this, he is still only just keeping up. None of this time is going toward working ahead much at all. I'm praying that as we (everyone who works in our district and campus) keep moving through this school year we will figure out what works and what doesn't work so that hopefully teachers will be back to a manageable amount of work each week. 

Here's my idea (which I'm sure many of you have already heard because I'm telling anyone who's willing to listen!): every Friday should be a half-day for students who are on campus. The second half of the day they would be required to work remotely. The rest of the day teachers should be given time to put in attendance, grade assignments, enter grades, catch up on emails, etc. There should be no scheduled meetings during this time. If we require all students to be remote for the 2nd half of the day, I don't think we would have to add days to our calendar. Right now we are asking teachers to pivot and change things rapidly. We are asking them to teach 6-7 in-person classes PLUS 6-7 remote classes. Then they have their conference period taken away once a week to cover for teachers who don't have a team planning period. We are asking them to do so much more and yet we are giving them less time than before. In my opinion, it is unreasonable to ask so much and not give the tools (tools = time) to accomplish what is required. Side note: we would want to rotate the schedule so that Friday week 1 would be periods 1-4 in person, Friday week 2 would be periods 5-8 in person, etc. Complicated? A bit. But it would help with labs, hours needed for CTE (Career & Technical Education) courses, etc.

I hate to sound like I'm being negative or I'm just looking for things to complain about. I am extremely grateful for the job I have and for the team I am privileged to work with. However, I also recognize where improvements can be made. 

Personally, I am only slightly behind in my work. I have worked overtime every week since at least the first week of September, but I feel like it's probably since August started. I feel fairly confident that I will be able to get back to 40 hour work weeks this week or next. Oh dang. I just remembered that it's the end of the grading period so parents are able to switch their learning option (whether their student is remote or in-person). That 40 hour week may have to wait a while longer.*

Church

My Thursday night small group is going well. I love those guys so much. It's really awesome to realize that these people who used to intimidate me are now my friends. I can now recognize that they are regular people like me. I hate name dropping but I'll just say that they are intimidating because we have a former headmistress, a bigwig in the county government, heads of companies, THE lady who runs all the "behind the scenes" at the church (there's always one!), et al. Back when this group started in February, I was pretty darn scared of trying to lead them. Now I'm 100% comfortable with them and just love how we can really be ourselves around each other.

Our church now offers two services on Sundays: a live Facebook video stream of the service at 9am and a communion service in the parking lot at 10:30 (masks required, socially distanced, etc). I haven't been going to the parking lot service because it's limited space and I feel like I don't need to be there. You see, 80% of our congregation is 55 years or older. For many people, church is their main form of socialization. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful spouse and to enjoy where I work so, socially speaking, the pandemic isn't that bad for me. If someone is only able to leave their house for Sunday communion service, I don't want to take their spot. However, I dearly miss the Eucharist. I won't go into details just now but suffice it to say that I feel a very person connection to God when I take communion and it's hurting to keep waiting for it. I think that I will talk to my church and see if the parking lot service usually fills up. If there's space for me, I would love to go even if it's only once per month. Here's hoping!

Time to wrap things up

As usual, this post really got away from me. It's funny how I always think "Oh, I'll just post a quick update" but once I start typing I think of a million things I want to write down! It's especially odd because all at once I want EVERYONE in the world to read this (hello, ego!) but part of me wants NO ONE to read it because I do my best to be completely honest here. Honesty means vulnerability and feeling vulnerable makes me pretty darn anxious. I guess that's why I like having a blog but I'm not sure I would want to do a vlog (video blog). It's nice to be able to edit quickly and easily well before hitting the "publish" button. Anywho, thank you for reading my ramblings. This post has been especially cathartic. Lots of love and peace to all of you!

P.S. - I was just about to publish this when I realized that I would love to talk about Halloween! Gah! Maybe next time. 

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*I'm sure a few of you are rolling your eyes that I ever work just 40 hours per week. Please keep in mind that I make well below the annual median personal income in the US. I made a trade-off when I chose this job: much lower pay for much lower stress and fewer hours. I do not regret this decision but I dislike the implication that just because I don't work as many hours as others means I don't work hard/there's no way I could be mentally exhausted. Each individual can handle a different amount of stress and, therefore, a different number of hours working a certain job. Please believe me when I say that, some weeks, working 45 hours at my job is truly exhausting.

-Clare G. S.

Waking Up White

This is a long post but I've divided it into sections to hopefully make it more readable. Please read the first section but feel free to skip any others that aren't of interest to you. 😊

Racism in the US

Things are really quiet again about racism here in the US. The good news is my church will be starting a book study of the book Waking Up White by Debby Irving. I'm facilitating the group that will meet Thursday evenings at 6pm. This is a great book to start the conversation about race. I know many will dislike that the book we are reading is from the point-of-view of a white person but I think that's why it's a good start. We cannot fix a problem if we don't see that it exists. This books shows what we as white people don't see (I very much include myself in this group) and it's very easy to relate to the author and recognize that I see the world through a very similar filter that she sees. I would love for you to join us in reading this book! Please note, even though this is being done by my church, you do not have to be Christian to join us. As long as you are comfortable with us starting and ending each meeting with a prayer and are comfortable with people talking about race through the lens of Christianity, you are welcome to join us! You can click here to sign up. Choose Thursday evening if you would like to be in my group.  

COVID-19

Remember how last time I wrote I was in a 14 day quarantine? Well go figure, on day 14 I had a sore throat and a slight cough. After consulting with a medical doctor, they ordered a COVID-19 test. Y'all, they have to swap the back of my throat . . . THROUGH MY NOSE. Then they held the swab there for 10 seconds. It felt like they were scratching my brain stem. It was weird. My test came back negative so I was able to return to work. My county now has 3,831 cases (just shy of 1% of the population) with 37 deaths. My county has been ordered that classes cannot start in-person until September 8th. Many school districts chose to start online at the usual date (around August 19th) but Temple ISD has chosen to start all classes on September 8th. I think this is the better decision for our population since so many students do not have internet and/or a computer device at home. The parents were able to fill out a form last week to let the district know if their student would spend the first grading period on-campus or learning online at home. For the three days that form was open, I spent my entire time at work helping people access it. It's a little sad because the platform that the survey was on, Skyward, is the same platform that parents have to use to see grades, attendance, bus information, and to update their information (phone numbers, emergency contacts, etc). We had a lot of families whose students have been in the district for many years but they have never logged into Skyward. I'm hopeful that now that they know it exists and how to log-in that they will actually use it instead of relying on their student logging into the student profile which doesn't have the same access as the parent profile.

Work

To be perfectly honest, last week was insane. Monday was the first weekday in August which meant suddenly everyone wanted to enroll/withdraw. I spent the entire day on the phone with parents letting them know how to enroll or withdraw and reassuring them that there is still time since classes don't start until September 8th (THANK GOD). Tuesday was a normal day but Wednesday through Friday was crazy due to that form I told you about a moment ago. I had a panic attack at work on Thursday but luckily it was a pretty minor one and one of my dear friends stayed with me and was a calming presence until I was able to continue with my work. I'm nervous about this coming week because I think we are going to get many phone calls from parents who missed the deadline to fill out that form. Our campus plan is to call those parents to get the information but the parents aren't aware of that. I'm hoping the district will send out a message to let parents know what they should do if they didn't fill out the form. Plus, we have mandatory training so I won't have as much time to do my job. That's why I'm really grateful that the first day of school has been pushed back; it gives me more time to enroll students.

The Sunroom / Water Heater Closet

In the sunroom is our water heater closet. Since it used to be an "outside" closet and now it's enclosed, we decided it was a good time to clean it up. Here are some before photos. I didn't think to take them before we took out the table in there (unfinished wood with obvious rat chew marks) but it gives you an idea of what we started with.

We were about to paint when I thought to take photos. That's why the water heater and floor are covered.

No light fixture, just a bare bulb with a mismatched cord as a pull-chain. You can tell Matthew had to do a lot of work to take down the popcorn texture.

After adding texture and a fresh coat of paint, you can barely recognize it!

The floor you can just see in that second picture didn't last long. It was a one-part epoxy. We thought "Great! This will be easy to apply and it will be durable". NOPE. It was easy to apply and then, even after it was fully cured, it could be chipped up easily with a putty knife. Heck, painter's tape pulled up some of it. We then used a two-part epoxy that we bought on sale years ago and planned on using in the garage. We figured we would use it here since we had it and because we aren't completely sure that it would cover the entire garage. 

We also got a proper light fixture with pull-chain and recently Matthew installed some shelves. We haven't finished with them because we still have a few decisions to make about placement and such.

Here's hoping I never have to get the 50 lbs bag of dog food from that top shelf! Thank God for tall, strong spouses!

Let's finish off with some photos of the amazing counter Matthew custom built. He constantly blows me away with his craftsmanship and ingenuity. 💜

This is the "cave" that Loki was hiding under in my last post.

The view from the dining room and you can see that Matthew did a great job finishing the wall and making the "frame" for the cut out.

Due to the issues with the epoxy I mentioned in my last post, we decided to completely re-pour the epoxy again with the understanding that there will NOT be a third time. The first time we pulled the tape (it makes a dam to keep the epoxy from running over the edge too early) too early plus the primer peeled up. Yesterday we poured again and we pulled the tape too late which means we have obvious drips on the edges. We are discussing how we will fix it. The good news is that the top looks AMAZING and its going to be very durable. I'll show y'all what we have in my next post. 

Since school is starting up soon, I would like to leave with some prayers we said today during our church service (online). They really spoke to me.

A prayer for students

For the students who struggle with learning, give them patience, confidence, and grace. Help them to know the many ways that you've gifted them, even if reading, math, or memorizing don't come easy. For the student for whom learning does come easily, help them with the gift of humility. May they all know enough challenges to keep them sharp, strong, and grateful and enough successes to keep them engaged, confident, and proud of themselves. For the students who are lonely, hurt, unsafe, unwell, anxious or depressed. Breathe your peace and health into them; may they be supported by people who understand them and love them.

For the teachers

For the brave souls who wake each morning at the crack of dawn to educate other people's children and love them like their own. It's a tough job, God, please keep them from growing weary and cynical. Wrap them in your love, your peach, your wisdom, and your goodness. Help them to see the many ways that their gifts inspire learning, creativity, and compassion. And, please make sure they get enough good coffee, chocolate, and support from parents and administrators to keep 'em going.

For the parents

For the parents, that you would grant them wisdom as they lead their children in the way they should go, whether their children are home-schooled, learning online, or have gathered in a school. Give parents grace when they feel discouraged, and strength to do the work needed to support and raise their children well. May you grant them opportunities to connect with their children and be positive voices of influence.

For those who support learning

For the bus drivers, crossing guards, school safety officers, administrators, and aids. Bless those who keep our children safe. For cafeteria workers, janitors, nurses, and helpers. Bless those who help our children stay healthy. For librarians, music and art teachers, counselors, therapists, chaplains, volunteers, and administrators. Bless those who tend to our children's hearts and souls.

For those who grive

For those grieving the loss of children. This season can be so hard for them as first-day-of-school pictures populate their social media feed. Wrap them in your love and grace, Gracious God.

-Clare G. S.