Snovid 2021

Another month (plus) has come and gone without me writing. I think I have a good reason why I got a little distracted. In February we had an event with many nicknames. My favorite is "Snovid" although "snow-pocalypse" ain't too bad. If you live in Texas you know what I'm talking about and can skip this entry. I'm writing this for posterity's sake and so that I can look back and realize that I'm tougher than I know. Let's go about this logically and look at things day-by-day.

Wednesday, February 10th - I heard that we had a major winter storm coming in (Uri was its name) so I went to the grocery store. I like to be prepared and I figured it sounded like the roads might be icy for a few days and I didn't want to run out of milk, mac & cheese, etc. I also bought a a lot of granola bars because I figured if worse comes to worse and we lose power for a day, we can eat granola bars. They aren't the best meals but we wouldn't be hungry. 

Thursday, February 11th - A few of our neighboring school districts had a delayed start or didn't even have school. When I woke up I thought they were silly because it was just really cold, no precipitation at all. By 10am I realized how wrong I had been. Our district announced that we would close at 12:30 because the precipitation had begun and the temperature outside was literally freezing. I ended up spending a big chunk of my time at work helping get students out of class because their parents were coming to pick them up early. When my spouse and I got to our car, it was frozen shut. No joke, all the doors were frozen shut. My spouse was smart and grabbed a hammer and a large eraser (for his white board) from his classroom. He placed the fuzzy part of the eraser along the edge of the car door and then tapped it with the hammer. He repeated this until enough of the ice had broken so that we could open the doors. We then blasted the defroster and I chiseled at the ice on the windshield with our ice scraper until it was safe to go home. We purposefully took the least travelled way home in the hopes that if we spun out we wouldn't hit anyone else. We made it home safely. 

Friday, February 12th - It was a cold, icy day. School was canceled. We stayed home, read, and watched tv. Not a bad day. Our district announced that the county had 300 COVID vaccinations that they were giving to them because they were going to go bad if they weren't used this weekend. I signed up myself and my spouse, Matthew, to receive it.

Saturday, February 13th - Matthew and I realize that we kept losing power overnight because our Alexa (the smart speaker) kept on making noise as it had to reconnect to the internet. In our backyard we find the reason. We have a big oak tree very close to our house and our electric line runs from the pole, under the oak tree, to the house. The tree was so weighed down with ice that its branches were resting on the power line to the point that it was taut. The forecast called for more precipitation and we weren't going to be above freezing for days so we knew that if we wanted to keep power we would need to act soon. Knowing that it might damage or even kill the tree, we cut the branches. They were now at least 3 feet off of the power line. We then spent some time enjoying the snow that had fallen overnight. I have never seen snow so deep in Texas! We had at least 4 inches in the road! It was cool to watch the snow swirl as it was blown across the top of the ground. Our big accomplishment was making it downtown to get our COVID vaccine. To this day I am so incredibly thankful for all of the volunteer nurses and other staff who came in during freezing weather, on their day off, to give us the vaccine.

Sunday, February 14th - Monday, February 15th - My "Oh, it's nice to be cuddled up at home" has definitely changed to "Oh, goodness. Are we going to be ok?" I'm constantly checking in with friends to make sure everyone is safe. Many have lost power and some have lost water as well. We were supposed to have rolling blackouts but that's definitely not happening. My anxiety starts to climb especially because the forecast says Wednesday night we will have more precipitation and it won't get above freezing until Thursday at the earliest. My spouse and I have not lost power nor water. Our macaws are in our sunroom which has a dog door. This means that it isn't keeping heat as well as the rest of the house is. We forced the dogs inside at night (they were LOVING the frigid temperatures) and cover the dog door. We also placed our folding room dividers between the bird cages and the windows in the hopes that it will give just a little more insulation for them. I'm constantly praying "Thank you God, for keeping us safe. Please help those who have lost power or water. Please keep everyone safe." 

Our house looks pretty darn cute

Look how deep that snow is!

Tuesday, February 16th - I offer up my home to some friends who don't have power. I tell them that if they can get to us safely they are welcome to warm up and eat some hot food. My best friend texts me and by noon we have decided that it's best for her family (herself, her wife, their daughter, and their two cats) to come over and stay with us. They have no power and there was no telling when it would come back. We had room so it just seemed logical. Bonus, they are from Chicago so the slushy/icy roads aren't nearly as terrifying for them as they are for me. They safely arrive a while later and we get settled in. They were kind enough to stop by the grocery store so we are definitely set for the long haul. 

Wednesday, February 17th - We are doing alright talking, reading, watching movies, and playing board games. I was especially proud of their 9 year old daughter who was taking this all in stride. Internally I am completely freaking out about the additional storm that is about to hit us. During the night I could not sleep. I woke up at every little sound which is very odd for me. I'm nearly in tears because I'm convinced that each sound means we have lost power and that my birds are going to get too cold and die. At the same time I know there is nothing more to do but wait until the morning. Eventually I start signing "Silent Night" over and over in my head because it seems to calm me a little. I slept fitfully.

Thursday, February 18th - We awoke to find out that the storm that was predicted didn't really happen. I literally spend the rest of the day thinking/praying, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for keeping us safe. Please continue to keep everyone safe." My bestie's wife attempted to go to work because she is the regional manager. They got their SUV out of our driveway and found out that they didn't really have any control over the car so they pushed it back into the driveway. We again spend the day reading, playing board games, chatting, etc.

Friday, February 19th - My bestie's wife was able to get to work around noon. My anxiety was finally back to normal levels. I realized how close I was to completely losing my marbles on Wednesday night. I was really thankful I didn't. Not much to report this day. Since I felt like things were getting better (just above freezing this day!) I finally run a load of laundry.

Saturday, February 20th - Another chill day. My bestie and her wife went back to their home to check damage. They came back and reported that they still didn't have electricity but it looked like there was no major damage from what they can see. They kept in touch with their neighbor who was still at her house to find out when electricity had been restored. 

Sunday, February 21st - Electricity was back at my bestie's house so they returned home. I now felt comfortable using electricity like a would during a normal day. It was good to be on the other side of all of this.

During the entire storm my family used Marco Polo to send short video updates to each other. Two of my siblings lost power for a while. My brother and I had power the entire time. I'm very happy to report that none of us had any catastrophic damage to our homes. What's odd is that Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday somehow came and went during the storm. I barely noted it, honestly. My brain was dealing with too much to think about religious observations.

I'm not going to comment on the reasons why this all happened (I mean in the sense of why the eff Texas lost power) but I will find it interesting to come back and read this entry in a few years. Did anything change? Did power companies winterize their equipment? Do we go through this again? 

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This week is interesting at work not only because it's the week before Spring Break but because we have three people in our front office out. Basically there are nine of us in the front office. I'm not including the AP secretaries because they are not literally in the front of the building, they are throughout the building. When more than one person is out at a time, we can "feel" it because we have to change up who is covering reception and the attendance window (where parents pick up their kids for doctor's appointments and such). With three people out possibly all week, it's been a bit chaotic. For the record, they all really need to be out. One had a death in the family and two are out for medical reasons. I don't want anyone to think my co-workers decided the start their vacation early! I just keep praying that we keep up with things. It's been ok so far. We just need to make it a few more days.

Well, like usual I have made this much longer than I meant to. *shrug* I mostly keep this blog for myself so I don't know why I feel bad when my posts are lengthy. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason there that points to me needing therapy but we are going to ignore it for now. ;) If you're reading this, I hope you are doing well and that you too survived Uri without too much damage!

This is what our dog, Freyja, wanted to do all day every day.

Loki wasn't as big of a fan but he does whatever Freyja does.

 

-Clare G. S.

Working Through a Panic Attack

I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:

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Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.

My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety. 

My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)

I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:

That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.

I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:

• Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
• Put away groceries
• Put away grocery bags
• Check to see if the birds need food
• Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
• Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
• Put away dry dishes
• Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
• Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
• Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
• Check personal email
• Crush soda cans
• Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
• Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
• Practice French

This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always. 

Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)

Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.

Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!" 

Y'all.

It worked.

For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.

-Clare G. S.

Me & Corona

Well guys and gals, it finally happened. I got sick and tested positive for COVID-19. The good news is that I'm definitely on the mend. Here's the timeline:

• Saturday, November 21 - in the evening I have a slight cough and think nothing of it. I go to bed really late and assume that's why I'm feeling a little off.
• Sunday, November 22 - I wake up multiple times during the night with an obvious fever and chills. My dreams are really weird. During the day, I feel awful. I have a low-grade fever of 100.4F, cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath quickly.
• Monday, November 23 - Wednesday, December 2 - Monday morning I feel just fine but by Monday afternoon I again don't feel well. For the rest of the time I'm sick, I never get a fever again. I mostly have a cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath very quickly. There are a few days that I'm congested. I get a COVID test on Friday, November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving). It's slow progress but by December 3rd I only have a minor cough.

Overall, this sickness has left me very thankful. I was able to simply stay home and take care of myself with help from my spouse. I have one friend who spent a month in the hospital due to COVID-19 and I have a friend who is currently hospitalized due to the combination of COVID-19 and a stroke. Even though my symptoms where mild, this was definitely more difficult on my body than a cold or flu. During the worst of it, if I walked to the mailbox and back I would then have to sit for 5-10 minutes simply to catch my breath. I never lost my sense of smell or taste but the constant nausea made it difficult for me to do anything but sleep.

My spouse had about two days where he had a headache and minor cough. He was never tested but we are assuming he got it since he was around me for days on end while I was contagious. Our employer's rule is that a person who tests positive for COVID-19 cannot return to work until 10 calendar days after the test. Anyone living with that person cannot return to work until 14 calendar days after the person tested positive. This means that I get to return to work tomorrow but Matthew will not return until next Monday. It's kind of odd that the person who definitely had the Coronavirus can return before the other one but I understand that it's to give the asymptomatic person time to show symptoms if they catch it.

Looking back, I'm really not sure how I caught it. I am very good about wearing my mask when I'm not at home with the exception of when I'm alone in my office. However, an article I read pointed out that all the air in an office is shared so it's a bit silly to take off your mask when you are in your own office. If the virus is in the air, it will circulate to your office. My county has "uncontrolled community spread" so I suppose I should not be so surprised that I don't know how I got it.

Another interesting thing about this was the contact tracing. I received a call on December 3rd from a person from Texas Health & Human Services. I spent about 20 minutes with the person discussing where I was the two days before I showed symptoms, what my symptoms were, etc. Since I began quarantine the moment I had symptoms, we had no need to discuss where I had been since symptoms began. Which brings me to a request to all of you: if you have any symptoms that could be COVID-19, please do everyone a favor and stay home. If I had ignored my symptoms I would have gone to the grocery store that first or second day. Even though I would have been masked, I would have been putting some of the virus into the air each time I coughed which would have put so many people at risk of catching it from me (especially since it seems many people don't understand that masks are supposed to cover the nose). Also, please wear your freaking mask over your mouth and nose whenever you are in public. It's such a simple way to minimize transmission. I don't understand why some people complain about it. 

I have one last comment before I move on. To any of my friends who I did not tell that I had COVID-19: I apologize if you are hurt or confused that I didn't tell you. I didn't want people to worry about me and I didn't want anyone to panic. I also didn't want anyone to think I was being overly dramatic. I don't know why that was a worry of mine but it was.

I hope that everyone out there is staying safe! It looks like we might have a vaccine soon. Until then, chins up and let's keep moving forward!

-Clare G. S.

Your prize for making it through this blog post is a photo of the jigsaw puzzle I did (with some help from my spouse) while sick:

All Saint's Day

If you know me well, you know that I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday because I firmly believe that anyone can celebrate it. Children can go trick-or-treating (in the US at least), adults have an excuse to throw a party (well, if we didn't have a pandemic), and EVERYONE can dress up as a fun character. I enjoy the decorations and I love handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. This year felt very different. We usually have 40-50 kiddos stop by for candy but I think this year we probably maxed out at 25 or 30. My spouse and I carved a pumpkin and I'm hoping to roast the seeds tomorrow. I have a super cute photo of the two of us with the jack-o-lantern but my husband dislikes having his photo taken and especially dislikes it being posted online so instead here's a good one of me with our jack-o-lantern:

I can't put my finger on it but even though we did all of the Halloween activities, it just didn't feel like Halloween. I blame the constant low-grade anxiety that the pandemic has caused.

Pretty Countertop & Some Rambling

Well, the school year started which is why I haven't updated this in two months. 😳 Sorry about that! *knocks on wood* I have gotten into a good pace at work so I no longer feel like I need to just fall into bed once I get home. Plus, today is a 3-day weekend (Let's call it Indigenous Peoples' Day, shall we?) so I was able to get a lot done around the house and now here I am, just past 8pm, trying to stay awake because I'm a bird and my brain thinks, "Oh, it's dark? It's time to go to sleep!"

The Sunroom

It's time for you to see the final counter top! It's so pretty!

It's just so darn pretty!

We also placed the aquarium. Hopefully we will get an even bigger aquarium some day.

I don't have a photo yet of the painted cabinet but it looks great, too!

COVID-19

My county now has 5,801 cases with 93 deaths. Looking back at my last post, the fatality rate has gone from ~1% to ~1.6%. That does concern me. At the same time, I'm pleasantly surprised that the case number didn't skyrocket when schools opened. I can't speak for other districts but I think mine has a good set of guidelines to encourage everyone wears masks, we stay socially distant when possible, and we minimize visitors to the campus. As a nation, we are at 7.83 million cases with 215 thousand being fatal. The worldwide numbers show a similar ratio: 37.7 million cases, 1.08 million fatal. I don't want to spend too much time on this. I mention it because I think these data will be interesting to look back upon in the future.

Work

I have to start this section by saying that teachers are doing an amazing job right now. Many teachers have commented to me, "You got out at the right time" and I have to agree. I don't know how they are not completely losing their shit daily. I have been working longer hours (read: over 40 per week) but it's nothing compared to what the teachers are doing. My spouse is spending 45-50 hours at work and then comes home and spends another 2-3 hours each weekday plus I would estimate at least 10 hours on the weekend. After all of this, he is still only just keeping up. None of this time is going toward working ahead much at all. I'm praying that as we (everyone who works in our district and campus) keep moving through this school year we will figure out what works and what doesn't work so that hopefully teachers will be back to a manageable amount of work each week. 

Here's my idea (which I'm sure many of you have already heard because I'm telling anyone who's willing to listen!): every Friday should be a half-day for students who are on campus. The second half of the day they would be required to work remotely. The rest of the day teachers should be given time to put in attendance, grade assignments, enter grades, catch up on emails, etc. There should be no scheduled meetings during this time. If we require all students to be remote for the 2nd half of the day, I don't think we would have to add days to our calendar. Right now we are asking teachers to pivot and change things rapidly. We are asking them to teach 6-7 in-person classes PLUS 6-7 remote classes. Then they have their conference period taken away once a week to cover for teachers who don't have a team planning period. We are asking them to do so much more and yet we are giving them less time than before. In my opinion, it is unreasonable to ask so much and not give the tools (tools = time) to accomplish what is required. Side note: we would want to rotate the schedule so that Friday week 1 would be periods 1-4 in person, Friday week 2 would be periods 5-8 in person, etc. Complicated? A bit. But it would help with labs, hours needed for CTE (Career & Technical Education) courses, etc.

I hate to sound like I'm being negative or I'm just looking for things to complain about. I am extremely grateful for the job I have and for the team I am privileged to work with. However, I also recognize where improvements can be made. 

Personally, I am only slightly behind in my work. I have worked overtime every week since at least the first week of September, but I feel like it's probably since August started. I feel fairly confident that I will be able to get back to 40 hour work weeks this week or next. Oh dang. I just remembered that it's the end of the grading period so parents are able to switch their learning option (whether their student is remote or in-person). That 40 hour week may have to wait a while longer.*

Church

My Thursday night small group is going well. I love those guys so much. It's really awesome to realize that these people who used to intimidate me are now my friends. I can now recognize that they are regular people like me. I hate name dropping but I'll just say that they are intimidating because we have a former headmistress, a bigwig in the county government, heads of companies, THE lady who runs all the "behind the scenes" at the church (there's always one!), et al. Back when this group started in February, I was pretty darn scared of trying to lead them. Now I'm 100% comfortable with them and just love how we can really be ourselves around each other.

Our church now offers two services on Sundays: a live Facebook video stream of the service at 9am and a communion service in the parking lot at 10:30 (masks required, socially distanced, etc). I haven't been going to the parking lot service because it's limited space and I feel like I don't need to be there. You see, 80% of our congregation is 55 years or older. For many people, church is their main form of socialization. I am so incredibly blessed to have a wonderful spouse and to enjoy where I work so, socially speaking, the pandemic isn't that bad for me. If someone is only able to leave their house for Sunday communion service, I don't want to take their spot. However, I dearly miss the Eucharist. I won't go into details just now but suffice it to say that I feel a very person connection to God when I take communion and it's hurting to keep waiting for it. I think that I will talk to my church and see if the parking lot service usually fills up. If there's space for me, I would love to go even if it's only once per month. Here's hoping!

Time to wrap things up

As usual, this post really got away from me. It's funny how I always think "Oh, I'll just post a quick update" but once I start typing I think of a million things I want to write down! It's especially odd because all at once I want EVERYONE in the world to read this (hello, ego!) but part of me wants NO ONE to read it because I do my best to be completely honest here. Honesty means vulnerability and feeling vulnerable makes me pretty darn anxious. I guess that's why I like having a blog but I'm not sure I would want to do a vlog (video blog). It's nice to be able to edit quickly and easily well before hitting the "publish" button. Anywho, thank you for reading my ramblings. This post has been especially cathartic. Lots of love and peace to all of you!

P.S. - I was just about to publish this when I realized that I would love to talk about Halloween! Gah! Maybe next time. 

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*I'm sure a few of you are rolling your eyes that I ever work just 40 hours per week. Please keep in mind that I make well below the annual median personal income in the US. I made a trade-off when I chose this job: much lower pay for much lower stress and fewer hours. I do not regret this decision but I dislike the implication that just because I don't work as many hours as others means I don't work hard/there's no way I could be mentally exhausted. Each individual can handle a different amount of stress and, therefore, a different number of hours working a certain job. Please believe me when I say that, some weeks, working 45 hours at my job is truly exhausting.

-Clare G. S.