If you didn't know me when I was 18-21 years old, I smoked cigarettes during that time. My stress over the past three weeks has been near my breaking point. I take solace in a wonderful husband, nearly daily Dr Peppers, and an occasional adult beverage. However, I find myself day dreaming about smoking again. It may sound crazy but I don't think it was the nicotine that I craved. I think it was Cormac McCarthy who said something about how appropriate it was for man to smoke; there is something about holding fire in your hand that feeds the soul. That's what I miss: feeling close to danger but also completely in control of it. I miss the way I would breathe in, pause for a moment, and then breathe out sometimes blowing smoke rings. I miss the way that smoking was really a meditative practice for me. For a few minutes I had something to do with my hands instead of my usual anxious ticks (which always felt like everyone noticed although I doubt anyone did). I had a reason to breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating because I was convinced that whatever terrible scenario my mind had created was coming true.
I've tried other exercises to calm my mind with various levels of success. Deep breaths are definitely key and the few times that I've meditated I've really enjoyed it. To some level writing in this blog helps me with my anxiety as well. I still come home in tears more often than I'd like because I still haven't figured out good ways to deal with stress & anxiety in the moment. I still tend to shove it to the side until I can get home and release my emotions. Looking back, I'm definitely doing better than I was a decade ago. I'm not smoking, I don't drink to excess, and it's been years since I've had to run out of a room in public because I felt a panic attack coming on. It can be hard to focus on the positive when it feels like I'm drowning.
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| Here's the photographic proof that I smoked . . . and that I took ridiculous photos |
Now this all begs the question: why the hell am I so anxious and stressed right now? Well, Bell County Comic Con was a great but tiring weekend. I got much closer with a few of my friends (Ariel, Pedro, and Chris) who I had the privilege of working closely with the entire weekend. However, it seems like everything else that I reported on in my last post has gotten more stressful and had given me more anxiety.
At work, I feel like a tidal wave is coming in. The first day of school is Tuesday and there is so much to do before then. I am blessed to work really well with my two teammates. That doesn't diminish the fact that for three people we have a lot on our plates. From what I understand, this has been the most hectic start of the year either of them can remember simply because we have so many new staff members and so many staff members who changed position. We are constantly scrambling to train people and help them out. Don't get me wrong! I really do love helping people but it's hard to help when there are so many people who need my assistance. I am hopeful that once the school year has begun and people find their groove that we too will be able to get into more of a routine.
Our dog, Freyja, is not as healed as we had hoped. This coming Monday will mark four weeks since her toe injury. The vet saw her two days ago and said that there is no sign of infection but she really isn't healing much. Instead of wrapping her paw completely (it looks similar to a cast a person might wear for a broken bone) we are going to try giving the paw some time in the open air and then just put a sterile pad in a reusable bootie. We hope that the extra air flow will help promote the skin to grow. This is perfect timing because this morning we woke up and found that Freyja learned how to tear apart her usual bandage. Yes, she was wearing the cone of shame but that didn't stop her! We are crossing all our fingers and toes that she doesn't figure out how to pull off the bootie while wearing the cone. I'm very anxious about this situation because if the toe doesn't heal it will have to be amputated. It's one of her weight-bearing toes so the vet is leaving amputation as a last option.
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| Freyja at the vet 2 weeks ago |
Finally, COVID-19 is a nightmare that won't go away. I'm fully vaccinated and so is my spouse but I'm afraid for so many people. I have a friend from church whose daughter is going through chemotherapy right now. Every time someone says that they won't get the vaccine, I think of her. I can feel my "resting-anxiety" ramping up to what it was in April 2020.
For my praying friends out there, please pray for my little family. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days and I know that the stress of the new school year plus a stressed-out wife is wearing on my husband. He bears it well and I'm incredibly grateful for him and his strength but I also wish he didn't have to be this tough.
To all my friends and family, I love you more than you know and I hope that you are finding joy in this crazy life. I'm going to be ok and the reason I know that is because of the wonderful people in my life who remind me how loved I am.
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