I Might Be a Volunteer

Yes, the title is correct. I might be a FIFA volunteer but I'm not sure. Here's what has happened in the past week:

Friday, May 23 - I receive an email from FIFA offering me a role as a volunteer on the Accreditation team! (For my BCCC friends, it's what we would call Registration) I click the button to accept the offer. I quickly have access to more areas on the app. I read through the paperwork to accept my role, accept the code of conduct, etc. 

Saturday, May 24 - The FIFA app now has even more areas I can explore. I can start some online training, I can use the group message for my team, and I can pick my schedule. When I go to pick my schedule, the only dates available are May 26 through June 12 and it's only Monday through Friday. Of the shifts available, I could theoretically take a shift each Friday in June (2 shifts). However, we are required to sign-up for a minimum of eight shifts. I go into the app and click on the Volunteer Support Channel (it's like submitting a help ticket) It says that the average response time is 48 to 72 hours but it may take longer during the tournament period. I fill out the form, receive an automated email confirmation, and wait.

Sunday, May 25 through Thursday, May 28 - I go ahead and start some of the online training. I check my email daily but I don't receive anything from FIFA except automated reminders to sign-up for shifts.

Friday, May 29 - I still haven't heard anything and I've been very busy at work. That evening I send a message in my team's group chat explaining my problem and asking what I should do. I know the team lead is on there so I'm hoping they can give me some advice.

Saturday, May 30 - All the app access I gained a week ago has now disappeared, including access to the group chat. However, I still get notifications whenever someone posts a message in the group chat. The message when I open the app states that I didn't book any volunteer shifts so I may be dismissed from the volunteer program. It also states that if I need help with scheduling, I should put in another ticket in the Volunteer Support Channel. 

The message I currently see on the app stating I might lose my volunteer position.

I plan on entering another ticket. I have to admit that this is an emotional roller coaster. I really want to volunteer in the World Cup; I don't care what role I have! It's so frustrating to get so close to my goal and then for it to suddenly disappear without any real communication. I'm trying to stay positive but as the tournament gets closer, I'm feeling like it's unlikely I'll get to volunteer. Here's hoping things turn around soon.

-Clare G. S.

The Newest FIFA World Cup Volunteer

. . . is not me but I'm not out of the running yet. About 10 days ago I finally got an update from FIFA: I could be on their reserve roster. In other words, if a volunteer is not able to fulfill their duties, I might be offered their spot. I accepted the reserve roster role and I'm still checking my email semi-weekly to make sure I don't miss any updates. 

The long-awaited email from FIFA

In familial news, my mother-in-law and father-in-law have moved into their new home. It's only a 10 minute drive from us. It's already been really nice to be far enough away that we have our own space but close enough that we can easily hop over there to drop off things or just say hi.

My life feels like it might be getting back to a pace that I can handle. There are still plenty of tears when I think about my dad. Just today I received in the mail a note I had written to the tooth fairy at least 30 years ago. The accompanying explanation from my mom told me that she had found the note in the drawer of my dad's nightstand. My first instinct is to say, "I can't believe he kept it for so long!" but then I remember how much he loved all of his kids. Of course he kept little keepsakes to remind him of those cherished memories.

I don't want to end on something quite so emotional so let's talk about band! After over 15 years without playing my French horn, I finally picked it up again last June. The local community college has a summer band program that is open to all musicians in their teens or older. A friend of mine told me about it and it sounded perfect for me; I could start playing my horn again in a low-stakes setting. I had a blast last year so I'm doing it again this year. We have rehearsal twice a week and then a concert after 4 weeks. Last year our pieces all came from musicals. This year will all be American composers since our country will soon celebrate 250 years as a nation.

That's all the news worth reporting. Here's hoping that the next few months will have some wonderful memories!

-Clare G. S.

Sundays

Sundays have become incredibly difficult for me. You see, my dad has been a deeply religious man my entire life. I was raised Roman Catholic but in an Anglican Use parish. That means that I grew up singing from an Episcopalian hymnal. A few years ago I officially converted and became Episcopalian.

I bring up all this because that means that the church I currently attend uses the exact same hymnal that I grew up with. The Sunday service is incredibly similar to the ones of my childhood (just less Latin!). The incredible irony is that I find myself unable to attend church, the one activity I know my dad would find most important that I do not miss. This morning, I was in tears before I even put on my shoes. Every minute of church brings me memories of my dad.

I think of him as an altar server, carefully attending to every detail to make sure Mass was celebrated just so. 

I think of my parents and siblings singing all of the hymns and me eager to sing with them.

I think of one of my favorite old photos of my dad: him as a choir boy, choir robes and all. And then how I've followed in his footsteps by joining my church's choir.

I think of him carefully gold-leafing the statues of St. Mary and St. Joseph. 

I think of his cremains, currently in a columbarium in the church. 

I am indecisive each Sunday morning. I want to go to church because it's a part of who I am and I truly believe it helps me be a decent human being. I want to go to church to honor my Dad. But I feel an urge to avoid church because I know it's going to hurt. I know I will start crying well before I even receive communion.

Today, I missed church and spent time with my spouse and our dogs instead. Perhaps my dad can pray for me as I pray for him. Perhaps by Sunday God will grant me the courage to face some pain with the knowledge that, eventually, it will hurt less and less.

My dad as a (grumpy) choir boy

-Clare G. S.

Louis

My dad, Louis

This isn't the post I thought I would write next but here we are. A month ago, on March 22, my dad passed away. We saw it coming but at the same time didn't. The previous Friday, I said goodbye to him at the hospital after visiting for a couple of days. I thought to myself "I'll see him in a few weeks, maybe at Easter". The next day I got the message from my brother and sister that I needed to head back to Dallas. Later that afternoon, my husband and I made it back to the hospital. We spent time with Dad. Not too long after midnight, he was gone.

I have never experienced this kind of mourning before. I like the metaphor my mom has: it's like swimming in the ocean. You see a massive wave coming and it pushes you underwater. You find your way back up and get some air. Not long after that, another wave hits. After some time, the waves are smaller and they become less frequent. Eventually you are able to keep your head above water for most of the waves. Those waves of grief can be immobilizing for me right now. Other times, it feels like he's just a phone call away. 

I don't know where to go with this post. I know that writing often helps me when I'm overwhelmed with emotions.  I think I would like to share some of the wonderful memories I have of my dad.

*As a teenager, I frequently woke up suddenly because my dad was downstairs watching The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly with the volume so high that I heard the "dun-ah-lah . .  wah wah wah".

*When I was a child, Dad often played the piano and I would dance. My favorite was the Raindrop Prelude by Chopin.

*I loved it when I fell asleep on the couch and he would carry me to my med.

*He loved our dog, Jojo, so much and she was obsessed with him. They were such a cute pair.

*Dad taught me about the cardinalities of infinity when I was in middle school. He always encouraged my love of math.

*My last conversation with him was about the etymology of the word "paradise". I'm glad that my final conversation with him was a mixture of a topic he loves, religion, and a topic I love, linguistics.

*He had the best mischievous wink.

*I remember watching and rewatching all the great British entertainment from Shakespeare's Henry V to the old Brit coms on PBS: Fawlty Towers, Keeping Up Appearances, Are You Being Served?, and Black Adder.

I'll leave with one thought that a really great therapist told me: Grief and love are two sides of the same coin. We wouldn't hurt this much while grieving it we didn't love that person so much. I love my dad so much. 

-Clare G. S.

FIFA World Cup - Applying to be a Volunteer

Well, it's been a few . . . years. Basic updates:

Pets - We currently have two dogs (they are mother & daughter), an aquarium of fish, but no birds. I little over a year ago we realized that we were not able to give my bird the care she deserved. We were very fortunate to have a friend who was able to take her in and give her great care. She's not the only bird in her new family which also makes me feel better about the situation.

Jobs - My spouse left teaching a little over a year ago and we bought a portion of an arcade bar. Life as a small business owner is always interesting! This past July I received a promotion to be the head of my department at the school district. So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Family - The big news here is that 1) my in-laws plan on moving to our area in the coming months and 2) my father is going through a difficult time health-wise. Things seem to be improving for my dad and I am incredibly grateful for that. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to my in-laws being closer. They are truly lovely people so it will be nice to be able to drive to see them instead of flying 1,000 miles.

Why does the title of this entry mention the FIFA World Cup?

The men's World Cup is in the US this year and one of the host cities is Dallas. Sometime last summer (I don't remember when or how), I found out that FIFA was looking for volunteers to assist at the World Cup games. I really enjoy watching soccer but I know I could never afford tickets to a World Cup game. I figure that volunteering would be a fun way to be part of the games without being stupidly expensive. Plus, I've loved my time working with Bell County Comic Con. I figure if I enjoy working at an event with 40,000 visitors, I'll probably enjoy working for an event that's even bigger.

Back in August, I filled-out the online application to volunteer. It said I would be emailed with updates in the coming months. I was really worried I would miss that email so I set a reminder on my calendar to check my personal email at least twice a week for anything from FIFA. 

In mid-December, I received an email from FIFA inviting me to a volunteer tryout! I scheduled my tryout for mid-January. 

January 17, I went to Dallas for the tryout. The tryout was a one-on-one interview, a chance to find out more about the volunteer experience, and a chance to learn a bit of the history of the World Cup. While there, they explained that they had around 30,000 volunteer applications and only 15,000 were invited for a tryout. After the tryout, only 6,100 people will be chosen as volunteers. Whether I make it further or not, I'm really proud to be in the top 50% of applicants! I feel like my interview went really well so now I'm crossing my fingers that I get chosen.

The volunteer tryouts had A LOT of great places for photo ops

Volunteering for the FIFA World Cup is a once in a lifetime experience so I thought it would be best to record my experience here. It'll be really cool to look back on this in the years to come. In the next few weeks I should be adding a new blog post telling y'all if I was chosen as a volunteer or not. Send all the good vibes my way!

-Clare G. S.

Summer Recap: Part 1

A photo of mammoth bones to get your attention

Holy crud, where has 2022 gone?  It's way past time for me to write about my summer.

In my current job I work nearly year-round. I do get the usual days off during the school year (1 week for Thanksgiving, 2 weeks for winter, 1 week for Spring Break, etc) but I work most of the summer. While I was at work my husband worked his butt off to spruce up the house. We now have a nice walkway from the back door. This is really helpful because the dogs were tracking in dirt and mud. He also built nice flowerbeds in the front yard and populated them with some ivy. He then added above-ground sprinklers. I am so fortunate to have such a handy partner!

My sister, P, decided to visit our parents in Arizona in June but she needed another adult to help her with her kiddos since her spouse didn't have enough PTO. She was kind enough to pay for my plane ticket and in exchange I helped take care of her two daughters. Y'all. I do not know how you parents take care of two children under the age of 5. It was fun and I have some great memories but I was always tired. And I didn't have to do as much because I'm not mom! I have learned the importance of always having snacks nearby. We had a great visit and enjoyed having "snacks in the clouds" as my niece, B, puts it.

A photo of virga in the dessert. Virga is when it's raining but the rain evaporates before it is able to hit the ground.

During the summer my parents-in-law visited for a week. It was really nice to spend time with them, my husband, my sister-in-law, and her husband. We did two escape rooms (and had the fastest time on one of them!), a ghost tour of Austin, visited the mammoth site and Dr Pepper museum in Waco, and spent a few hours boating on the local lake. I am incredibly grateful that I get along so well with my husband's side of the family.

Me at the Dr Pepper museum

Debbie Downer Warning: In late July I had a routine medical procedure that required me to be under anesthesia. I was told I would be in a "twilight state" where I would be able to respond to questions and commands (turn your head to the left, does this hurt?, etc) but that I would not remember any part of the procedure. Unfortunately this was not the case for me. Not only could I feel what the doctor was doing, to this day I remember most of it. The doctor did not make any mention of that in the official notes for the procedure. This concerns me greatly because now I fear that this will happen to me again. To add insult to injury, Patient Relations is not responding to my messages (I have called and sent an email weeks ago). All I want is for my doctor to correctly describe what happened during the procedure. I want to give-up on this because it is emotionally taxing for me to have to repeatedly remember what happened but I refuse to give-up because this can affect my future healthcare.

I hate to end on a low note but next up is Bell County Comic Con and that definitely deserves a good amount of space. So instead let's end with a teaser photo of me and my friend at BCCC:

Darth Maul and Me

-Clare G. S.

Weddings and Workouts

I once again found myself at the high school a couple of weeks ago and a friend mentioned that I haven't written here in a while. Whoops! Here's what's happening in my world.

Therapy - I haven't been back to see Dr. S since my last post because I haven't felt the need. I have good days and bad days like anyone else but I seem to be handling the bad days fairly well for the most part. I still need to build a meditation habit.

Working out - Speaking of building good habits, I've started working out regularly. The last week or two of January I started either an ab workout (about 10 minutes) or walking one mile each morning. Now I sometimes do both or walk two miles. I've tried to add in some jogging but my calves start to ache very quickly. I'm keep meaning to look into what the cause could be. I think it's the new sneakers I bought plus the constant inclines/declines in my neighborhood. Also, each Tuesday there is a group at my work that does a 30-45 minute cardio workout; usually a dance-based exercise. I do my best to join them. I'm really happy to say that after nearly three months I can see real progress!

• I can now walk up the stairs at work and not get winded.
• When I jog during my walks I now have to stop because my calves ache, not because I am out of breath.
• Side note: I was trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. I mentioned to my sister, J, that I was running out of breath. She suggested trying to breathe through my mouth the entire time if that felt more natural. That solved the problem!
• My spouse reports that I'm generally in a better mood.

I'm really trying not to focus on things like my weight and waist size but it's hard. Everywhere I look everyone is talking about losing weight and dropping inches from your waist. I know the victories I listed above are much more important since my goal is to feel better and to live a long, happy life. However, that doesn't keep diet culture from attacking. I'm glad that this year my school district is doing a step-challenge instead of a weight-loss challenge. Especially for those of us with desk jobs, it's important to keep moving and keep your body active. Also, it's nice to have a good excuse to take a short walk around the building outside and get some sunlight. I truly believe it helps me stay in a more positive mood. If I spend the entire day at my desk and only leave it for bathroom breaks, I get grumpy.

Work - Not much to report here. I still miss my friends at the high school but it's getting easier to visit the campus without being an emotional wreck afterward. We did have one adventure recently. Around 1:30pm on Thursday the internet for the entire district cut out. By Friday morning, it was restored to all campuses but not central office where I work. We finally got internet back around 3pm on Friday. I'm probably going to go in early on Monday to try to catch up on all the things I couldn't get done earlier. On the bright side, my work desk is clean and very organized!

Family - On April 2nd I successfully married my brother to his wife! My goal was to avoid crying during the ceremony since I was the officiant. I did it! Every time I felt tears coming on, I told myself, "This is not my brother. I am just in a play and I'm playing the part of the officiant at a wedding." That helped me get back to a non-weepy mindset and ensured I was speaking loudly, clearly, and at a good pace. There was a funny moment when I had to hold back laughter because out of the corner of my eye I could see their dog rolling on his back. 

Me as the officiant! I guess that blouse is now my officiant blouse.

Church - I'm so excited because our church has a new rector! We've been searching for one since about 2019 so we are all really happy to have a permanent rector again. Don't get me wrong, our interim rector was great but our congregation was ready for someone who will be here long-term. It was really interesting to be part of this process since I'm accustomed to the Roman Catholic church where priests are assigned to a parish. I learned a lot about how the Episcopal Church runs and the more I learn, the more I like it.

Another thing I've been learning about is the process for discerning the priesthood in the church. My friend, B, is currently discerning if she is called to be a priest or deacon. I am very honored to be part of the group that is guiding her during this process. We meet every 2-3 weeks for around 6 sessions. I think it's a really great process because it gives the seeker (the person who is seeking what God is calling them to do) opportunities to pray and reflect about why they feel called to this. It's obvious that the church has put a lot of thought into this process.

COVID-19 - A couple of weeks ago Austin, Tx lifted their mask mandate for government buildings. To me, that felt like the end of the pandemic. The only place where I still wear a mask is in medical buildings as they still require them. It's so odd to look back at the transitions: getting accustomed to wearing a mask in public, trying not to panic when people in crowded places refused to wear a mask, and now back to rarely seeing people wearing a mask. I have lots of thoughts on how the world should be based on what we learned during the pandemic but this post is already long enough.

Overall, things are going well in my life. I hope I didn't just jinx myself. ;)

-Clare G. S.

Music Eases All My Problems

One of these days I'll write here regularly. It will probably be when I retire.

Pets - No news is good news. The colder weather means our dogs are spending a lot of time outdoors. They can come and go from the house as they please but they really love cold weather. Fish are fishing. Birds are birding.

Family - In a couple of months I'm going to officiate my brother's wedding! This will be my second time doing this. I'm really excited to be such an integral part of their special day. Here's a photo of my first time officiating a wedding:

Therapy - Dr. S is awesome. As stated in my previous post, I was seeing him every other week. After about 5 sessions we decided to wait for the next one. I'm doing much better now and since insurance covers a specific number of sessions in a 12 month period, I don't want to "waste" any. I'm doing better about accepting my mistakes. I'm working on being more cognizant of my emotions. I don't judge them but it's really helpful sometimes to stop and say, "Wow, I'm really upset. What's upsetting me? It's probably frustration from that meeting that didn't go well. That's a valid reaction." I don't understand why this helps stable my emotions; I simply accept that it does. Meditation really helps as well but I haven't yet set a good habit with that.

Work - I feel like I'm still adjusting to my "new" job (I started last July). We have days that we are really busy and then some days that I'm searching for what to do. I'm used to having something to do nearly constantly. Our campuses are really short staffed lately which I can only assume is due to the current COVID wave. Due to federal privacy laws (HIPAA & FERPA) the campuses can't tell me why someone is out of the office but it's pretty rare for people to take two weeks off of work at the last minute for any reason other than COVID. 

Due to these shortages, I subbed a 6th grade social studies class last week for a day. It went well but it also reminded me why I left the classroom. The stress of just watching classes exhausted me. Add in lesson plans, contacting parents, meetings, grading, professional development, and a pandemic . . . I don't know how teachers get anything done nowadays. 

Yesterday I went to my old stomping grounds, the high school, to help them catch up on attendance and to help train a new employee. It was amazing to see my friends. The person I trained was friendly, listened well, and had great questions. Everyone I saw said "Clare! It's so good to see you! I miss you!". However, at the end of the day I found myself crying. It hit me how much I missed seeing these people every day. When I went home and talked to my spouse he pointed out that I had spent 9 years at that campus. I had strong relationships with a lot of people there. Seeing all of them and them being so warm and welcoming was a tough reminder that I don't have those relationships at my new job yet. When he said that it seemed so obvious. Of course I don't have those kind of relationships yet; I've only been working there for about 7 months. It helped to hear that my reaction and emotions were valid.

A few of the amazing people I miss working with

Volunteering - Unfortunately I have to be purposefully vague here. There's a group I volunteer with and we had some disagreements this week. I will avoid conflict if at all possible so even minor disagreements give me a lot of stress. Then, we got some information that just added more stress. We are in a situation where it feels like we are working so hard but our goal feels so far away.

Music - By Friday night I was feeling worn out from the week. My husband, his sister, and her husband were going to have dinner together at our place. To help me calm a little on my way home from work, I listened to my two favorite tracks from Hamilton, "Dear Theodosia" and "Burn". I was singing them as loud as I could in my car. I also decided that since I wasn't going anywhere, I needed some alcohol and rock 'n roll. Don't worry, I didn't over imbibe. The rock 'n roll of choice was of course my favorite band, The Old 97's. "Niteclub" popped in my head so that's what I listened to. It felt like a balm for my soul. It's amazing what some Southern Comfort and Old 97's will do to me. I posted a bit on social media and a friend pointed something out: even good weeks call for a little alcohol and a little rock 'n roll. I think I might have a new goal each week: at some point during the weekend, pour a strong drink and listen to at least one awesome song way too loud. There might even be some dancing in the kitchen while I bake cookies. I constantly try to think of ways to be more "furiously happy" in my life and I think this will be small step in the right direction.

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts from Therapy

Before I get to the heart of this post, here are a few updates:

Pets - Nothing to report here! We have fixed the fence and stapled chicken wire to the bottom half of it to prevent the dogs from ripping off planks. We've also placed cinder blocks in front of the areas with small holes. This seems to be working alright.

Work - They created a job for a Skyward specialist. I applied and I didn't even get an interview. I can understand not getting the job but not getting an interview when half of that job is what I currently do . . . I'm not happy about it. I have asked HR what I can do with my resume to improve my chances of getting an interview for future positions. I'm interested in seeing what they say.

Family - The Texas portion of my family plus my parents were able to visit a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't for very long but it was so nice to see almost everyone face-to-face again. We hung out mostly outdoors and just ate and talked. A pretty perfect evening, if you ask me.

A portion of my wonderful family

What I'd really like to discuss in this post is, once again, my mental health. I realized that it wasn't where it should be. People asked, "how are you doing?" and I'd honestly say "just fine" and believed it. However, there are other questions that my husband asked me or I asked myself that made me realize that I really wasn't fine:

• How often are your thoughts racing/running away from you? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't doing enough? Daily.
• How often are you worrying that you aren't good enough? Frequently.
• How often are you reading? Not often (For me, not reading is a bad sign. It usually points to me not being able to relax and disconnect from daily worries)
• Are you keeping up with usual chores for the most part? Nope.
• How often are you snapping at people for small problems? Too often.

So, I talked to my primary care physician. He's the one who takes care of my psych meds since my psychiatrist is no longer covered by my insurance. We've upped my medications and he referred me to a psychologist. Honestly, I didn't want to go to a psychologist. I really felt like my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it; that there are other people who need that help much more than I do. My husband had to remind me that I am worthy of getting help. The fact that other people need help doesn't not change my need. 

I'm now seeing a psychologist every other week. So far we've had two one-hour sessions and my third will be later this week. I like Dr. S and feel comfortable with him. We will be doing Acceptance and Commitment Therapt (ACT) which is a type of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I looked up CBT and it's exactly what Dr. S and I discussed in our first session. In a nut shell, my brain has learned certain behaviors in reaction to stimuli. We can't wave a wand and stop them but I can learn how to recognize those behaviors and then, hopefully, train my brain to react a little differently.

In my two sessions there have been two things that Dr. S has said that really stuck with me.

1. My anxiety is not a problem to be fixed; it's more like an overly helpful friend.

I have always disliked my GAD and have thought of it as something that I need to completely get rid of. Dr. S posited that anxiety is good and has an evolutionary reason for existing. Think about it: if you had no anxiety ever, wouldn't that be a bad thing? It's good to get some anxiety before a test because it motivates you to study. It's good to get some anxiety when driving in bad weather because it helps you focus on the task at hand. He said that anxiety is necessary but sometimes my anxiety is doing more than it ought to. It's like that friend that really wants to be helpful but oversteps their bounds. My anxiety is trying to help me but it doesn't realize that I don't need it in the moment. I'm not in a life-or-death situation when I'm running late for an appointment but my anxiety thinks I am and is trying to help me avoid that "death" option. 

2. I cannot use logic to lessen my anxiety because it doesn't come from the logical part of my brain.

This was a very disappointing revelation. I want logic to work. Whenever I feel my anxiety creeping up I tell myself "Clare, you're ok. Everything's going to be ok. Things aren't going as planned but that happens sometimes. This is not going to ruin your life." Guess how well that works? It doesn't. It's so frustrating! My pre-frontal cortex (that lovely logic machine) knows that my high anxiety is unwarranted but it can't stop it. My amygdala (I think that's the part, I could be totally wrong here) is the one saying it's time to FREAK OUT because OH MY GOSH THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. WHY AREN'T YOU WORRIED! IT'S TIME TO WORRY! So yeah, if my brain is going into Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze mode it's not going to listen to logic. Logic doesn't matter at that time. This means I have to train the amygdala instead of relying on my pre-frontal cortex.

What does this all mean for your lovely author? It has become rapidly apparent that a lot of my anxiety stems from pressure I put on myself to be nearly perfect. Again, the logical part of me knows I can't be perfect and I completely accept that other people make mistakes but I am not ok with myself making mistakes. My "homework assignement" has been to purposefully make mistakes. I cringe that I have to do this but I understand why. This means everyday I've been making a mistake that's big enough to bother me but small enough to not have really bad consequences (I'm still driving with my seat belt!) I'm starting small so, for example, I sent an email around 4pm with "good morning". I showed up to work about 20 minutes late one day. I did not correct a misspelling in this paragraph even though that red squiggly line is taunting me. The really great part about this assignment is that I cannot fail because if I don't do the assignment then I am making a mistake. If I do the assignment then hopefully I can learn to be ok with the mistakes. Finally, a win-win situation!

By the way, I'm also not re-reading this entire post before hitting "publish". It feels really wrong to not go back and look for errors, see if the writing sounds like me, etc. I want to feel better and if these little things are steps on the right path then I'm going to take them.

I'm going to end this with a reminder to really check-in on your loved ones and yourself. Take a moment each week or at least each month to pause and probe how you are doing. Evaluate what is normal, healthy thoughts for yourself and what is not. (Desires to hurt yourself or desires to not wake up the next day is not healthy in anyone. Please immediately call 1-800-273-8255 for free anytime day or night).I feel pretty certain that all of us experienced some level of heightened anxiety and/or depression during the pandemic. Think back to what that looked like in you. Ask yourself if you still have that going on. If you do, please find help for yourself. You are always worth it. 

-Clare G. S.

A Little Update and a Little Rock & Roll

It's about time for an update, isn't it?

Our dog, Freyja - Just a day or two after my last post Freyja figured out how to take off her bandage. When I say bandage, I mean bandage or cloth boot. Even while wearing a collar AND a cage muzzle, she consistently took them off. My spouse and I had a long chat about where to go from there. We decided that all we could do was keep the sunroom really clean (that's where the dogs spend most of their time) and wipe down Freyja's paw with iodine two or three times a day. So, everyday at lunch I was returning home, kicking out the dogs for a potty break, and spending that time to vacuum and mop the sunroom. I then brought the dogs in, wolfed down lunch, and returned to work. It was tiring but worth it. I checked Freyja's paw today and I'm amazed at how well it has healed. I literally did a double take where I checked her other paw because I thought surely I was looking at the wrong paw. There was no way her pad could be so well healed but it is! I'm so happy that we have made it out of the woods and that we don't have to fret about infection. The next step is to fix the hole in the fence so that the dogs can be outside unsupervised again.

COVID - f*ck COVID. I'm tired of it. Please, friends, if you are eligible to get the vaccine and have not done so already, please seriously consider it. I would be happy to talk to you about it if you have concerns that you want to voice to someone who won't jump down your throat.

Work - Work is going well for both me and my spouse, Matthew. There have been some rough days but we are getting into the groove of it. I've been surprised with how much of my job has been tech support for our Student Management System, Skyward. From what I understand, my department over the years has slowly absorbed more and more of the Skyward help: setting up courses, running report cards, new student enrollment, running reports, and trouble shooting issues. None of this really ought to be our department since our job is to handle the data that goes to the state and insure that is accurate. It sounds like our district will be creating a position to be basically a Skyward specialist. I'm considering applying for this position since a lot of it would be what I'm doing now and I enjoy what I do right now. We'll see how that goes.

Family - My brother recently got engaged and I'm trying to convince him that a low-stress way to get married is for me to be the officiant. I'll let you know if I'm able to convince him. I got to hang out with my sister, P, and her family last weekend and it was so awesome to see them. She has two daughters whom I adore. I haven't seen the rest of my siblings in quite a while (again, COVID sucks) but *knocks on wood* it looks like I should be seeing a few of them in October.

Church - I think I might have myself overbooked when it comes to church. I'm in the choir, on the vestry (committee that takes care of finances and whatnot), on the stewardship committee (fundraising to create our budget for the next year), "leading" a small group (more like herding cats but I love them), and I'll be volunteering at our first ever pumpkin patch. I think for 2022 I'm going to take a small step back so that I don't burn out.

Miscellaneous - Last weekend Matthew and I saw my favorite band, the Old 97's, in concert in Austin. I was a little hesitant to go but the venue announced that they would be checking vaccination cards (or proof of recent negative COVID test) at the door and would require masks. The venue was smaller (The 3Ten for those familiar with the Austin live music scene) so that combined with the safety precautions convinced me to go. I'm so glad we did. It was AMAZING to hear them live again. My sister asked me how many times I've seen them live and I realized that it has to be at least five times. I think that's more than any other band combined for me. If you don't know who the hell I'm talking about, I suggest looking up the following songs: "Won't Be Home", "Good with God", "Question" (by their lead singer, Rhett Miller), "Dance with Me". and "Color of a Lonely Heart is Blue". 

I can't think of anything else I ought to report so I'll leave you with a few photos from the concert. It was a triumph of rock.

The Old 97's from left to right: Ken Bethea, Rhett Miller, Philip Peeples, and Murray Hammond.

Ken absolutely rocking it. He always looks so serious at shows!

Murray Hammond <3

Rhett, making everyone swoon

No joke, this is the best photo I got of Philip

-Clare G. S.

Thoughts on Smoking

If you didn't know me when I was 18-21 years old, I smoked cigarettes during that time. My stress over the past three weeks has been near my breaking point. I take solace in a wonderful husband, nearly daily Dr Peppers, and an occasional adult beverage. However, I find myself day dreaming about smoking again. It may sound crazy but I don't think it was the nicotine that I craved. I think it was Cormac McCarthy who said something about how appropriate it was for man to smoke; there is something about holding fire in your hand that feeds the soul. That's what I miss: feeling close to danger but also completely in control of it. I miss the way I would breathe in, pause for a moment, and then breathe out sometimes blowing smoke rings. I miss the way that smoking was really a meditative practice for me. For a few minutes I had something to do with my hands instead of my usual anxious ticks (which always felt like everyone noticed although I doubt anyone did). I had a reason to breathe slowly instead of hyperventilating because I was convinced that whatever terrible scenario my mind had created was coming true.

I've tried other exercises to calm my mind with various levels of success. Deep breaths are definitely key and the few times that I've meditated I've really enjoyed it. To some level writing in this blog helps me with my anxiety as well. I still come home in tears more often than I'd like because I still haven't figured out good ways to deal with stress & anxiety in the moment. I still tend to shove it to the side until I can get home and release my emotions. Looking back, I'm definitely doing better than I was a decade ago. I'm not smoking, I don't drink to excess, and it's been years since I've had to run out of a room in public because I felt a panic attack coming on. It can be hard to focus on the positive when it feels like I'm drowning.

Here's the photographic proof that I smoked . . . and that I took ridiculous photos

Now this all begs the question: why the hell am I so anxious and stressed right now? Well, Bell County Comic Con was a great but tiring weekend. I got much closer with a few of my friends (Ariel, Pedro, and Chris) who I had the privilege of working closely with the entire weekend. However, it seems like everything else that I reported on in my last post has gotten more stressful and had given me more anxiety. 

At work, I feel like a tidal wave is coming in. The first day of school is Tuesday and there is so much to do before then. I am blessed to work really well with my two teammates. That doesn't diminish the fact that for three people we have a lot on our plates. From what I understand, this has been the most hectic start of the year either of them can remember simply because we have so many new staff members and so many staff members who changed position. We are constantly scrambling to train people and help them out. Don't get me wrong! I really do love helping people but it's hard to help when there are so many people who need my assistance. I am hopeful that once the school year has begun and people find their groove that we too will be able to get into more of a routine.

Our dog, Freyja, is not as healed as we had hoped. This coming Monday will mark four weeks since her toe injury. The vet saw her two days ago and said that there is no sign of infection but she really isn't healing much. Instead of wrapping her paw completely (it looks similar to a cast a person might wear for a broken bone) we are going to try giving the paw some time in the open air and then just put a sterile pad in a reusable bootie. We hope that the extra air flow will help promote the skin to grow. This is perfect timing because this morning we woke up and found that Freyja learned how to tear apart her usual bandage. Yes, she was wearing the cone of shame but that didn't stop her! We are crossing all our fingers and toes that she doesn't figure out how to pull off the bootie while wearing the cone. I'm very anxious about this situation because if the toe doesn't heal it will have to be amputated. It's one of her weight-bearing toes so the vet is leaving amputation as a last option.

Freyja at the vet 2 weeks ago

Finally, COVID-19 is a nightmare that won't go away. I'm fully vaccinated and so is my spouse but I'm afraid for so many people. I have a friend from church whose daughter is going through chemotherapy right now. Every time someone says that they won't get the vaccine, I think of her. I can feel my "resting-anxiety" ramping up to what it was in April 2020. 

For my praying friends out there, please pray for my little family. I feel like I'm losing my mind most days and I know that the stress of the new school year plus a stressed-out wife is wearing on my husband. He bears it well and I'm incredibly grateful for him and his strength but I also wish he didn't have to be this tough.

To all my friends and family, I love you more than you know and I hope that you are finding joy in this crazy life. I'm going to be ok and the reason I know that is because of the wonderful people in my life who remind me how loved I am.

-Clare G. S.

New Job

I'm going to try to make this short but anyone who reads this knows I'm bad at editing down my writing.

Since Spring Break:

• I applied to a new job, interviewed, was offered the position, and I accepted it! I'm now a PEIMS specialist for my school district. I handle the data that we collect and send to TEA (Texas Education Agency)
• In my new job I work nearly year-round. It's not so bad because I still have Thanksgiving break, winter break, spring break, and 2 weeks of my choosing in the summer (or any other time, really).
• The school year ended. We rejoiced that our district announced no more remote learning for the next school year. Seriously, remote learning was awful for students, families, teachers, and staff. 
• My spouse and I are gearing up for our local nerdy convention, Bell County Comic Con. We are both on staff but I've asked to have a smaller part this year since I'm adjusting to a new full-time job. Even though I'm fully vaccinated I will be wearing a mask the entire weekend.
• An old friend contacted me out of the blue earlier this week. The nostalgia is real, y'all.
• On that note, am I the only person who is in complete denial that friends "move on"? I still live in a fairy-tale land where I'm "friends forever" with everyone I've ever called a friend. Downside: I get so sad when I think about how long it's been since I've talked to my old friends. So, if you're reading this and we haven't talked in ages, feel free to message me. I'm still awkward yet friendly.
• Our scrappy dog got injured but is doing ok. Long story short, she dug a small hole under the fence and stuck her paw under it. I don't know what exactly happened but later my husband saw she was injured. She had to have surgery and is now stuck in the cone of shame for 3 weeks. She also has to stay inside (which she does not appreciate) since she can't be trusted on her own outside. If you're the praying type, please pray for her. I love that damn stubborn dog.
• Some family stuff happened in spring that is not my story to tell. I'm writing it here so if I look back and think "gee, when did that happen?" I can pinpoint it. Everyone is doing ok and that's what's important now.

That's all I've got for now, kiddos. Please enjoy this ridiculous photo of me taken last week: 

Yours truly in a tiny sombrero

-Clare G. S.

Snovid 2021

Another month (plus) has come and gone without me writing. I think I have a good reason why I got a little distracted. In February we had an event with many nicknames. My favorite is "Snovid" although "snow-pocalypse" ain't too bad. If you live in Texas you know what I'm talking about and can skip this entry. I'm writing this for posterity's sake and so that I can look back and realize that I'm tougher than I know. Let's go about this logically and look at things day-by-day.

Wednesday, February 10th - I heard that we had a major winter storm coming in (Uri was its name) so I went to the grocery store. I like to be prepared and I figured it sounded like the roads might be icy for a few days and I didn't want to run out of milk, mac & cheese, etc. I also bought a a lot of granola bars because I figured if worse comes to worse and we lose power for a day, we can eat granola bars. They aren't the best meals but we wouldn't be hungry. 

Thursday, February 11th - A few of our neighboring school districts had a delayed start or didn't even have school. When I woke up I thought they were silly because it was just really cold, no precipitation at all. By 10am I realized how wrong I had been. Our district announced that we would close at 12:30 because the precipitation had begun and the temperature outside was literally freezing. I ended up spending a big chunk of my time at work helping get students out of class because their parents were coming to pick them up early. When my spouse and I got to our car, it was frozen shut. No joke, all the doors were frozen shut. My spouse was smart and grabbed a hammer and a large eraser (for his white board) from his classroom. He placed the fuzzy part of the eraser along the edge of the car door and then tapped it with the hammer. He repeated this until enough of the ice had broken so that we could open the doors. We then blasted the defroster and I chiseled at the ice on the windshield with our ice scraper until it was safe to go home. We purposefully took the least travelled way home in the hopes that if we spun out we wouldn't hit anyone else. We made it home safely. 

Friday, February 12th - It was a cold, icy day. School was canceled. We stayed home, read, and watched tv. Not a bad day. Our district announced that the county had 300 COVID vaccinations that they were giving to them because they were going to go bad if they weren't used this weekend. I signed up myself and my spouse, Matthew, to receive it.

Saturday, February 13th - Matthew and I realize that we kept losing power overnight because our Alexa (the smart speaker) kept on making noise as it had to reconnect to the internet. In our backyard we find the reason. We have a big oak tree very close to our house and our electric line runs from the pole, under the oak tree, to the house. The tree was so weighed down with ice that its branches were resting on the power line to the point that it was taut. The forecast called for more precipitation and we weren't going to be above freezing for days so we knew that if we wanted to keep power we would need to act soon. Knowing that it might damage or even kill the tree, we cut the branches. They were now at least 3 feet off of the power line. We then spent some time enjoying the snow that had fallen overnight. I have never seen snow so deep in Texas! We had at least 4 inches in the road! It was cool to watch the snow swirl as it was blown across the top of the ground. Our big accomplishment was making it downtown to get our COVID vaccine. To this day I am so incredibly thankful for all of the volunteer nurses and other staff who came in during freezing weather, on their day off, to give us the vaccine.

Sunday, February 14th - Monday, February 15th - My "Oh, it's nice to be cuddled up at home" has definitely changed to "Oh, goodness. Are we going to be ok?" I'm constantly checking in with friends to make sure everyone is safe. Many have lost power and some have lost water as well. We were supposed to have rolling blackouts but that's definitely not happening. My anxiety starts to climb especially because the forecast says Wednesday night we will have more precipitation and it won't get above freezing until Thursday at the earliest. My spouse and I have not lost power nor water. Our macaws are in our sunroom which has a dog door. This means that it isn't keeping heat as well as the rest of the house is. We forced the dogs inside at night (they were LOVING the frigid temperatures) and cover the dog door. We also placed our folding room dividers between the bird cages and the windows in the hopes that it will give just a little more insulation for them. I'm constantly praying "Thank you God, for keeping us safe. Please help those who have lost power or water. Please keep everyone safe." 

Our house looks pretty darn cute

Look how deep that snow is!

Tuesday, February 16th - I offer up my home to some friends who don't have power. I tell them that if they can get to us safely they are welcome to warm up and eat some hot food. My best friend texts me and by noon we have decided that it's best for her family (herself, her wife, their daughter, and their two cats) to come over and stay with us. They have no power and there was no telling when it would come back. We had room so it just seemed logical. Bonus, they are from Chicago so the slushy/icy roads aren't nearly as terrifying for them as they are for me. They safely arrive a while later and we get settled in. They were kind enough to stop by the grocery store so we are definitely set for the long haul. 

Wednesday, February 17th - We are doing alright talking, reading, watching movies, and playing board games. I was especially proud of their 9 year old daughter who was taking this all in stride. Internally I am completely freaking out about the additional storm that is about to hit us. During the night I could not sleep. I woke up at every little sound which is very odd for me. I'm nearly in tears because I'm convinced that each sound means we have lost power and that my birds are going to get too cold and die. At the same time I know there is nothing more to do but wait until the morning. Eventually I start signing "Silent Night" over and over in my head because it seems to calm me a little. I slept fitfully.

Thursday, February 18th - We awoke to find out that the storm that was predicted didn't really happen. I literally spend the rest of the day thinking/praying, "Dear God, thank you. Thank you for keeping us safe. Please continue to keep everyone safe." My bestie's wife attempted to go to work because she is the regional manager. They got their SUV out of our driveway and found out that they didn't really have any control over the car so they pushed it back into the driveway. We again spend the day reading, playing board games, chatting, etc.

Friday, February 19th - My bestie's wife was able to get to work around noon. My anxiety was finally back to normal levels. I realized how close I was to completely losing my marbles on Wednesday night. I was really thankful I didn't. Not much to report this day. Since I felt like things were getting better (just above freezing this day!) I finally run a load of laundry.

Saturday, February 20th - Another chill day. My bestie and her wife went back to their home to check damage. They came back and reported that they still didn't have electricity but it looked like there was no major damage from what they can see. They kept in touch with their neighbor who was still at her house to find out when electricity had been restored. 

Sunday, February 21st - Electricity was back at my bestie's house so they returned home. I now felt comfortable using electricity like a would during a normal day. It was good to be on the other side of all of this.

During the entire storm my family used Marco Polo to send short video updates to each other. Two of my siblings lost power for a while. My brother and I had power the entire time. I'm very happy to report that none of us had any catastrophic damage to our homes. What's odd is that Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday somehow came and went during the storm. I barely noted it, honestly. My brain was dealing with too much to think about religious observations.

I'm not going to comment on the reasons why this all happened (I mean in the sense of why the eff Texas lost power) but I will find it interesting to come back and read this entry in a few years. Did anything change? Did power companies winterize their equipment? Do we go through this again? 

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This week is interesting at work not only because it's the week before Spring Break but because we have three people in our front office out. Basically there are nine of us in the front office. I'm not including the AP secretaries because they are not literally in the front of the building, they are throughout the building. When more than one person is out at a time, we can "feel" it because we have to change up who is covering reception and the attendance window (where parents pick up their kids for doctor's appointments and such). With three people out possibly all week, it's been a bit chaotic. For the record, they all really need to be out. One had a death in the family and two are out for medical reasons. I don't want anyone to think my co-workers decided the start their vacation early! I just keep praying that we keep up with things. It's been ok so far. We just need to make it a few more days.

Well, like usual I have made this much longer than I meant to. *shrug* I mostly keep this blog for myself so I don't know why I feel bad when my posts are lengthy. I'm sure there's some deep psychological reason there that points to me needing therapy but we are going to ignore it for now. ;) If you're reading this, I hope you are doing well and that you too survived Uri without too much damage!

This is what our dog, Freyja, wanted to do all day every day.

Loki wasn't as big of a fan but he does whatever Freyja does.

 

-Clare G. S.

Working Through a Panic Attack

I wrote this post last night but it was late when I finished and I wanted to double check what I had written before posting. Today was wild with an actual insurrection in DC but I really don't feel like commenting on it at this time. So, here's what I wrote yesterday:

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Today I did something radically different when I felt a panic attack coming on and I want to tell y'all about it in case it might be helpful for others. Before I talk about today, let me do a quick general update.

My COVID symptoms lasted about 10 days and were fairly mild. My spouse never showed any obvious symptoms. We continue to wear our masks, socially distance, etc even though I know that I have immunity for the time being. A close friend and her spouse caught it about the same time as I did. This is a little fortuitous because once we all recovered we realized that we could have dinners together for the time being without much worry. It's been nice to see them face-to-face without the anxiety. 

My sister-in-law and her husband came over Christmas Eve for dinner and presents. We also video chatted with my mother- and father-in-law which was really nice. Honestly, I enjoyed Christmas just being my spouse and myself. Of course I miss my family terribly, but I also very much appreciate quiet time at home because that's when my anxiety is usually at it's lowest. (Yes, even small family functions increase my anxiety to some degree)

I recently had a birthday. Let me tell you my age this way: if I were a hobbit, I would have just come of age. Again, my birthday was mostly a quiet affair at home. We watched Soul on Disney+ and I highly recommend it! I also got to see my best friend and her spouse for a little bit which always brightens my day. I baked my own cake since I enjoy baking. It didn't quite come out as I planned so instead of a photo of the cake, here's a photo of me with my new apron:

That's all I have for updates so let's go back to the panic attack I nearly had today. It was a rough day. Today was the second day back at work and the first day with students back. It was one of those days where I couldn't seem to keep up: people came to the campus without appointments, I received a lot of phone calls, I had a few conversations in Spanish in which I struggled to remember words, and a MOUNTAIN of emails. I felt like I was being pecked to death. When I left for the day, I was really wound up and unhappy that it felt like I didn't make much progress. For example, I use my email inbox as a kind of "to do" list. Unread messages = items to do. Well, I ended the day with more unread messages than I started the day with. That never makes me feel successful.

I warned my spouse that I was feeling really stressed and anxious. He listened while I vented and raged a bit. Unfortunately, by the time we got home I was actually feeling worse. I couldn't stop thinking about all the things at home that I now needed to do. Here's where it will sound like I'm crazy but I'll try my best to describe what was going on in my mind when I got home. This was my to do list:

• Turn on the oven so that it will be ready for me to put in the frozen lasagna
• Put away groceries
• Put away grocery bags
• Check to see if the birds need food
• Do NOT freak out when the birds scream because they are happy to see us (noise is a big trigger for me)
• Help spouse empty robo-vacuums and place them in the sunroom
• Put away dry dishes
• Put away laundry that I hung up to dry last night
• Put away lunchbox, work bag, etc.
• Check mail and deal with it (recycle junk mail, etc)
• Check personal email
• Crush soda cans
• Mend sheet that's been sitting on the couch for a week
• Shit, I forgot to call the auto shop to schedule an appointment. Put that on my physical to do list.
• Practice French

This list was repeating in my head over and over. The part that makes me feel crazy is that 99% of me said that, for God knows what reason, every item had to be completed tonight. Look back at that list. Yes, there are some things that could not wait like putting away the groceries. However, just about everything else could wait until tomorrow without any negative consequences. When my anxiety is in overdrive, I cannot convince myself to stop. There is a little, tiny voice saying, "Holy crap, Clare. Chill out. You can do these things over a few days." That voice is always drowned out. Always. 

Matthew asked me what was on my to do list so that he could help. I told him that I couldn't even tell him because I knew that if I started to list them aloud it would make me completely lose my shit. If I just focused on doing one thing, complete it, and then do the next thing I might not start screaming and crying. He told me that he was going to take care of dinner so that I can do whatever I need to do. (Side note: this is another reason why I love him. He doesn't push me when I'm shutting down.)

Normally, I would go back to attempting to do everything on my to do list and eventually the outcome would be the same. My brain would repeat over and over that I wasn't getting enough done, that there are so many things to do, and I would have a melt down. Yes, a lot like a toddler. I would end up crying and/or screaming until I had finally released whatever energy and emotion was inside of me. Exhausted, I would then be forced to stop working. It sucks. It sucks for me, it sucks for my spouse, it sucks for my poor pets who have no idea what the hell is happening. I hate this outcome but it's what always happens.

Today, I gave up. When my spouse said that he was taking care of dinner, we finished putting away groceries together. I then put away the grocery bags, put away the dry dishes, and put away the dry laundry. I don't know why today was different but I said "Fuck it. I am NOT running myself into the ground. I am NOT going to do jack shit while my mind is racing. I am going to the bedroom and I'm going to either read or hide under the blankets and take a nap. I don't care if I read the same sentence over and over again until Matthew says dinner is ready. I am not doing anything "productive" until after dinner!" 

Y'all.

It worked.

For the first time I can ever remember, I didn't have a melt down after my anxiety got out of control. I read some Harry Potter until I nodded off. I woke up when my spouse came in to inform me dinner was ready. I "wasted" over an hour but I didn't really have a panic attack. I was completely back to the real me. I cannot describe what a big deal this is for me. I have had panic attacks for over twenty years and I have never been able to end one so calmly. This is huge. The next step is to talk to my spouse and let him know the new game plan: when he can tell that my thoughts are spiraling, he needs to let me know that he has the immediate needs covered (driving us home, making a meal, etc) and that I should go read or lie down. It's not going to be easy because I know anxiety-fueled-me is probably going to push back with "No! I can't lie down right now! I have to finish x, y, and z! I'll be fine if I just get some things done.". But maybe, just maybe, I'll listen to him and listen to that tiny voice that agrees with him. Maybe this will become the new normal way I deal with anxiety attacks. One can only hope.

-Clare G. S.

Me & Corona

Well guys and gals, it finally happened. I got sick and tested positive for COVID-19. The good news is that I'm definitely on the mend. Here's the timeline:

• Saturday, November 21 - in the evening I have a slight cough and think nothing of it. I go to bed really late and assume that's why I'm feeling a little off.
• Sunday, November 22 - I wake up multiple times during the night with an obvious fever and chills. My dreams are really weird. During the day, I feel awful. I have a low-grade fever of 100.4F, cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath quickly.
• Monday, November 23 - Wednesday, December 2 - Monday morning I feel just fine but by Monday afternoon I again don't feel well. For the rest of the time I'm sick, I never get a fever again. I mostly have a cough, headache, nausea, and I get out of breath very quickly. There are a few days that I'm congested. I get a COVID test on Friday, November 27th (the day after Thanksgiving). It's slow progress but by December 3rd I only have a minor cough.

Overall, this sickness has left me very thankful. I was able to simply stay home and take care of myself with help from my spouse. I have one friend who spent a month in the hospital due to COVID-19 and I have a friend who is currently hospitalized due to the combination of COVID-19 and a stroke. Even though my symptoms where mild, this was definitely more difficult on my body than a cold or flu. During the worst of it, if I walked to the mailbox and back I would then have to sit for 5-10 minutes simply to catch my breath. I never lost my sense of smell or taste but the constant nausea made it difficult for me to do anything but sleep.

My spouse had about two days where he had a headache and minor cough. He was never tested but we are assuming he got it since he was around me for days on end while I was contagious. Our employer's rule is that a person who tests positive for COVID-19 cannot return to work until 10 calendar days after the test. Anyone living with that person cannot return to work until 14 calendar days after the person tested positive. This means that I get to return to work tomorrow but Matthew will not return until next Monday. It's kind of odd that the person who definitely had the Coronavirus can return before the other one but I understand that it's to give the asymptomatic person time to show symptoms if they catch it.

Looking back, I'm really not sure how I caught it. I am very good about wearing my mask when I'm not at home with the exception of when I'm alone in my office. However, an article I read pointed out that all the air in an office is shared so it's a bit silly to take off your mask when you are in your own office. If the virus is in the air, it will circulate to your office. My county has "uncontrolled community spread" so I suppose I should not be so surprised that I don't know how I got it.

Another interesting thing about this was the contact tracing. I received a call on December 3rd from a person from Texas Health & Human Services. I spent about 20 minutes with the person discussing where I was the two days before I showed symptoms, what my symptoms were, etc. Since I began quarantine the moment I had symptoms, we had no need to discuss where I had been since symptoms began. Which brings me to a request to all of you: if you have any symptoms that could be COVID-19, please do everyone a favor and stay home. If I had ignored my symptoms I would have gone to the grocery store that first or second day. Even though I would have been masked, I would have been putting some of the virus into the air each time I coughed which would have put so many people at risk of catching it from me (especially since it seems many people don't understand that masks are supposed to cover the nose). Also, please wear your freaking mask over your mouth and nose whenever you are in public. It's such a simple way to minimize transmission. I don't understand why some people complain about it. 

I have one last comment before I move on. To any of my friends who I did not tell that I had COVID-19: I apologize if you are hurt or confused that I didn't tell you. I didn't want people to worry about me and I didn't want anyone to panic. I also didn't want anyone to think I was being overly dramatic. I don't know why that was a worry of mine but it was.

I hope that everyone out there is staying safe! It looks like we might have a vaccine soon. Until then, chins up and let's keep moving forward!

-Clare G. S.

Your prize for making it through this blog post is a photo of the jigsaw puzzle I did (with some help from my spouse) while sick:

All Saint's Day

If you know me well, you know that I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday because I firmly believe that anyone can celebrate it. Children can go trick-or-treating (in the US at least), adults have an excuse to throw a party (well, if we didn't have a pandemic), and EVERYONE can dress up as a fun character. I enjoy the decorations and I love handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. This year felt very different. We usually have 40-50 kiddos stop by for candy but I think this year we probably maxed out at 25 or 30. My spouse and I carved a pumpkin and I'm hoping to roast the seeds tomorrow. I have a super cute photo of the two of us with the jack-o-lantern but my husband dislikes having his photo taken and especially dislikes it being posted online so instead here's a good one of me with our jack-o-lantern:

I can't put my finger on it but even though we did all of the Halloween activities, it just didn't feel like Halloween. I blame the constant low-grade anxiety that the pandemic has caused.